I never thought I’d be asking advice about this.

Back when I was 50lbs heavier men never jumped to the conclusion that I was leading them on whenever I’d be polite, greet familiar faces with “hello, how are you doing?” and otherwise engage in normal conversation. It was only basic manners, being nice, saying hello, thank you and have a great day.

But now that I’m thinning out (though I still have 30lbs to go), suddenly “guys” in general are mistaking my polite demeanor for something it is not. This is becoming a problem with co workers in particular. Eventually they steer the conversation towards getting my phone number (or a date), and then act shocked and pissy (as if I’ve lead them on) when I inform them that I’m engaged (note: my engagement ring is always worn in PLAIN VIEW).

Do I have to tailor my polite demeanor? Are there secret tips, or “do’s” and “don’ts” with being mannerful that doesn’t give the average Joe the wrong idea? Am I giving them false hope just by being polite and showing common courtesy? Do I have to force myself to be a perpetual *****, or awkwardly introduce myself as an engaged woman (Hi! I’m engaged! How are you?) in order to keep these guys from treading into inappropriate territory?

I’m not used to this kind of attention and I am feeling very uncomfortable. It is a tricky situation since I work with some of these people, the last thing I want is to make enemies at work (starting working there 3 months ago). I get the feeling there are other ladies out there who have also lost weight going through the same thing.

If anyone has any advice on how to cope with this problem please let me know!

I'm not sure as I haven't hit that stage myself. But I have noticed that when I go out partying with skinny chicks that they tend to be alot more snobby to men, even if they are really sweet to most other women.

I think it's like back in high school where you were a slut if you wouldn't sleep with a guy, but cool if you did.

Do you work with the same people all the time or do you always work with different people? If it's normally the same people you should be ok as they will all learn soon enough that you are engaged. If not you may have to start being a little more standoffish with these men.

I had this when I had lost a lot of weight, and I think it had to do with my confidence changing and the way I dressed .. and things like that...

Everyone at the office is an independent contractor so we all make our own hours. However business hours is when business is done so that's when I see most of my co-workers.

In my case it's not my confidence level, I'm acting 100% the same as I always did, the only difference is my weight.

There is one person in particular who isn't deterred by the fact that I'm engaged and he is making things very uncomfortable. This guy is the type who would slip roofies into your drink at a bar, and he always stares at me. Makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

could you tell me a little more about how your friends were a little bit snotty to guys? What did the girls say when men approached them? I'm very curious. While I don't want to have to turn into a complete witch, it would be handy to know what kind of signals guys need to see in order to back off.

Uh oh, I feel a moment coming on.

That's part of the psychological aspect that has kept me overweight so long. I hate unwanted attention and once I pass below a certain size, I start getting it. It's a BIG pet peeve of mine and makes me mad enough to start chewing the wallpaper off the wall. If I wear a tank top and shorts on a hot day, they act like my cargo shorts are sending telepathic messages to them that says "She wants you!" Alot of them really don't care if I'm married. I've said, "Sorry, taken." And flashed my 2.5 ct. diamond ring in their face. Some have said that it was "no problem for them" because "they were looking for a good time, that's all." UGH. Nevermind that I clearly stated it was a problem for ME.

I have to be ***** to them most of them time and naturally, they go away grumbling about it. But what're you gonna do when they won't take no for an answer?? Besides, I don't owe them anything, including politeness. If you work with them a certain level of civility has to be extended for the sake of keeping the peace but I don't consider polite to equal civil. If they can't respect me by backing off when I say no, I sure as **** don't bother to respect them back. I get standoffish and even snappy towards them when they make their comments and won't even say "hello" when I walk past them. I pretend they don't exist unless I have to work directly with them. In fact, I'm that way with most men in public because often they DO take it as a sign of flirting to smile and say "hi" in passing. At this size if I do that, I just get laughed at as if to say, "Fatty, you have no chance with me!" I know because my therapist told me to try saying hello to passing strangers as an experiment of sorts for social purposes. At the next session, I told her what she could do with her little experiment.

I guess I would suggest those that you can ignore mostly, ignore and keep the distance. I'm not scared of confrontation but at the workplace it can make the job **** to have people there that you're having issues with. However, those who are entering the realm of the creepy stalker, I would probably be brutally honest and say, "Look. Being nice apparently doesn't work on you, so here's the dirt, pal: You don't have a snowball chance **** with me. So do us both a favor and knock it off because if you keep this up, I'm not afraid of reporting sexual harrassment." I probably wouldn't just state it either, I'd probably be in the tone of a sinister, angry growl with as much confidence and aggression as I can muster.

The truth is that there's little you can do to control the behaviors of others. Continue to be your polite, friendly self and if a man makes an advance toward you, simply show your ring and say, "I'm flattered that you asked, but I'm happily engaged."

Most men will accept this, but if they act shocked and pissy, it's their problem - not yours. And as for the creep you described, steer clear of him. It sounds like he doesn't respect the boundaries of others and won't no matter what you do.

As others have mentioned it took a little while to get used to the sudden male attention of being several pounds lighter and sizes smaller.

My confidence grew slightly slower than my weight came off and so I have always remained my same polite and friendly self...I treat everyone the same. Men...sometimes misconstrue things and I will admit that sometimes yes I will play with them just because I can.

Now into my third year of maintaining 125-130 pounds and a comfy 4-6US I'm comfortable in my new shape and if I am out then I will give any male I like the eye and he'll come running. Those that I don't like or give me the creeps I also give the eye...but its the "back off, you haven't a chance mate" look and will freeze them in their tracks.

I guess you grow into it really...you learn new mechanisms for dealing with people and situations. The core of yourself will never change but I found that as I lost weight and focused on my health that I naturally put myself first more often. Not in a bad or self centred way but in such a manner that I know my worth and those men can look all they like because yes...I deserve that attention...I put a lot of work into it :P But they sure aint gonna get it! Muhaha.

Lyria

I've come to realize that I'm a very sweet, fat lady! As a chub, I got hit on significantly less than I did when I was thin. What an odd realization to discover how "nice" I've become, knowing that I didn't have to worry about all these men hitting on me. And what an odd realization that I'm going to have to pull out that smile, but not too big trick that I haven't had to use in forever.

So I started dating a few months ago, and I didn't even realize that I fell into the "sweet fat lady" role - nice, nice, nice to the core, attention is good and never unwanted, or something. Of course, guess what ... guys like women who play hard-to-get, who are "too pretty" to accept them, who get enough attention from men. Weird. Men are such strange creatures. Wonderful, but often strange and bewildering.

Subcriminal, awesome name.

Ugh. Yes I feel a bit of a soapbox coming on too. I wasn't born fat, I was thin all through my teens and twenties. I had a nice figure and I got a lot of attention. Both wanted and unwanted.

I didn't deal with it well. I played the wanted attention in ways that probably weren't always very nice and I didn't know what to do with the unwanted attention.

To be very honest? Some guys are particularly clueless. For those kind, not a lot works. Obviously being less friendly helps a little, but why should you have to change who YOU are in order to get people to leave you alone? When you are losing weight, you are happy, that happiness shows on your face and in your demeanor. Some interpret that as "available" or "non threatening" and someone who might be easy to approach.

Guys in a lot of ways have the harder job of courtship. They have to risk rejection a lot. Those who develop the thickest skin, who take on any girl they think they might have a chance with, are usually the ones you really want NOTHING to do with. They seem to have no subtlety. No ability to read people. No humility. How do you get these slimy creepy guys to leave you alone without discouraging the nice ones? Not easy. I think it does come with a bit of a "snotty" attitude. Problem is when you take that on, you don't LIKE yourself! If you back down after once trying it though then you've compromised and sent mixed messages.

I remember once when I was in my 20s, I went to an ATM machine. They were rather a new thing then, and I was waiting my turn in line. I was in a really bad mood, had just had a fight with my mother and I was seriously angry with her. I was dressed really attractively, however in a red skirt that semi wrapped across the front and had a draped effect where when I took a step part of it would come open a bit, and a black shiny blouse.

Well this creepy guy was staring at me on the street, staring particularly at my skirt, like he was waiting to see if it would open all the way up so he could see more. (It wouldn't, it wasn't that kind of skirt).

It just grossed me out the way he was looking at me, like he wanted to consume me or something. The attention was MOST unwelcome. So because I was in a lousy mood anyway I said to him "What are YOU looking at?"

He was actually offended. Acted like I had insulted him or something. Because I like to think of myself as a nice person, I wound up apologizing to him, for my bad mood. That was a mistake, he then acted like his attentions WERE welcome after all! I hated myself at that time. I hated that I couldn't win either way. Couldn't seem to keep my distance from people I didn't want in my life, and still feel like a nice person.

The worst was the guy who asked me if I was married. I was separated and getting a divorce at the time, but I wasn't interested in him so I said "yes" His answer? "Do you fool around then?" "NO!" "Not EVER?" Creep!

Other unwanted attention included the married next door neighbor who wanted me to open my door and let him in. The creepy guys on the street that would try and get you to get into their cars, or who would follow you home from school, or who would leave pictures of their naked lower half on your car late at night! (Yes I had all that happen).

You learn to not make eye contact with the ones you don't want looking at you. You learn to turn and walk the other way if they are following you on the street. You learn to immediately drop the photos without looking at them and quickly get into your car and drive away before someone jumps out of the shadows with more on their mind than sharing their dirty pictures.

I hate to say it, but I think PART of the reason I allowed myself to get fat is I got tired of dealing with all that, got tired of not being allowed to think of myself as a NICE as well as attractive person. There seriously are disadvantages to having too nice of a figure. Guys (especially the creepy ones) think they own you, and if you let them know you don't want to deal with them you get labled a "*****" or a "snob" or "stuck up". NICE guys tend to be intimidated by you, and they sit back and watch how the creeps fare at approaching you. When you shut them down, the nice ones don't try....
That's hard to deal with. How do you learn to be "selectively" *****y and also friendly (with the ones you like) without appearing two faced?

Then there are the way your girlfriends act. That's a whole different issue.

My husband tells me that girls always have one really cute one in the group, and the rest who are not so attractive. Being a guy he tends to think this is intentional or something. I think it happens because girls love their friends for who they are, not what they look like, and the "cute" girl in the group may know she gets a little more attention than the others, but she feels her friends are just as beautiful. The friends don't always feel that way though. Sometimes their comments are hurtful. Sometimes they are envious and jealous of the attention that always seems to go to the most confident one in the group. And yet in some ways, they are friends with you because they LIKE your confidence, they like your ability to flirt and be friendly and draw those groups of guys.... (I'm talking late teenage years here).

I think things get more complicated when you are older. I dealt with it all pretty well when I was still a virgin. Once I had been married and divorced, and was no longer dealing with "boys" but with "men" it was much more deadly serious. Much more scary and much more insulting in many ways. More men were very overt in making it clear that what they were after was not a relationship, but simply sex.

I tend to think of myself as a moral person and that kind of attitude was a major turn off to me. Seems to be what a lot of men seem to think is possible these days though. No committment, no relationship, no love, no dating, just get the one thing they want and forget the niceties that used to be called courtship.

I seriously feel sorry for single women these days. I don't know how they deal with it. Some of them don't deal with it very well, one friend I'm thinking of in particular. She wants a relationship with a nice guy and keeps getting creeps. Ones who want sex, but not much more.

Anyway I'm rambling a bit and getting off topic. My suggestion to you is to continue to smile and be friendly, but do it without making as direct of eye contact (unless you seriously are interested in the guy). If a guy can't look in your eyes, he will know that it is a "general" friendliness, not a "specific" friendliness.

You can't be serious.

Unfortunatley I believe she is.. It is not uncommon.

why cant madscientist be serious? i totally agree with her because i was molested when i was younger and i have absolutely no doubt that that has had an effect on my subconscious in such a way that i believe somehow that losing weight will attract unwanted attention.

Yes, I identified with that comment... i remember being creeped out by guys at one point enough to where i felt that i could protect myself by gaining weight, and it actually felt empowering, like screw you, not only can i make you leave me alone but i actually make you not want me either. i hope i never get creeped out to that point again - i dont think i will, cause it wasnt until i was in the process of gaining the weight and was having a conversation about said creepy guys with my sister that i realized what my feelings were and what i was doing. But now that I know about my feelings and response and stuff, Ill find a different way to "get" those intrusive creeps (i dont mean anything violent or whatever, dont get me wrong! just something for myself to where i feel vindicated inside).

Well when I get skinny enough I will be thrilled to have a bit of attention from men!!!

Sometimes being heavy is not just about loving food...