I'm a mess. I've lost enough weight in my 32 years to build a small army. Gain 100 pounds, lose 100 pounds. Repeat.

Four years ago I weighed in at 365 pounds. It took a very unpleasant health scare to motivate me to lose weight and when I started, I became obsessed. I counted every calorie, starved myself, got loads of exercise, and ended up dropping 130 pounds, fast. I'm tall and at 235, I was pretty happy. Not feeling like I might have a heart attack at any moment didn't hurt either. My husband and I decided to start a family.

Now our Son is two years old. He is beautiful, but I'm right back where I was four years ago and then some. Now I'm scared again. Heart palpitations, tingling in my hands, and blood pressure that's slowly creeping up aren't even the worst of it. The anxiety is unbearable. When my Son cries out for me, all I can think about is what would happen if I dropped dead? He needs his Mommy and I won't be there. Who will take care of my baby and his Father?

I want to know why I put food before everyone and everything else in my life. Why have I done this to myself again? When will it stop? Why can't I be normal? My shrink doesn't know; she just prescribes more pills. Surely someone has the answer. If it's you, please speak up!

Big Mare. The answers my Dear aren't at the shrink or in the bottle. They are in YOU! You know EXACTLY what to do. You have done it before and it sounds like you are ready to do it again. You are just on your journey. That's all there is to it. There isn't one of us here that cannot identify with your feelings.

For me I can say it will never stop. I cannot have a normal relationship with food. I will always have to be mindful and diligent and plan my life accordingly. You know what? It is worth it. No matter if the path gets steep and rocky, I know it's worth it. I will continue trudging my way up. So don't fret, you aren't alone!

Hello. I am glad you are here. I don't have the answer to your questions; I doubt that anybody does--except you. There is no magic pill or quick solution. It is all about the journey and I am glad you are starting your journey here.

J

I couldn't read your post without offering a (virtual) hug.

I don't have the answer to your question - but it is indeed a worthy and important question to ask. Here is another difficult question that I am asking myself and it sounds like you may want to ask yourself too: How is it going to be different this time? You obviously know how to lose weight, but what will be different this time that you will keep it off?

If you wish to continue therapy, maybe you could try a different shrink. The pill-thrower you've got right now doesn't sound too helpful.

The responsibilities and joys of motherhood can be hugely motivating. I know my babies (two under two!) really make me want to be healthy. I've found this board to be friendly and informative - I hope to see you here often! You can do this!!!! <-- that's a motivational carrot, I guess

You may not feel that you deserve to treat yourself well.

You may be suffering from severe food addiction, due to mainly food allergy issues and emotional eating (like moi), and oa or fa will help control the cravings day by day, get help for overcoming the food allergies and the insulin swings, and therapy will help to learn how to deal with feelings and to avoid using food as comfort.

We are here to help you figure out what is best for you. what I do know is that you are lucky and blessed to have a family and they want you to be around. If you are scared, then use that as a positive thing, and not as a negative thing. I will tell you from experience that losing a parent is hard. So very hard.

Figure out why you do not treat yourself well, and realize you MUST treat yourself well because you deserve it, and your family deserves it. they are counting on you because they love you, now you need to show yourself that you love you.

Hang in there. We all know and feel you and get where you're coming from. It is more than just annoying or disappointing when weight comes back. I really honestly, and this is my own personal experience, believes it hurts us much deeper. I'm currently learning how to cope with this issue as well as I have regained 25 pounds. Why did I regain? Emotional eating, again and I allow that to happen so it hurts me to know that I allowed this. However, I also feel that one the more important steps is to get out denial and to accept the weight. Yes, I regained weight, yes I'm here when I feel I should be there, but here I am nonetheless.

I think acceptance of what has happened and then once you accept that, moving on to positive things and moving on with your life and not dwelling is important. I'm just learning how to do this because it is against my nature to just "move on." I really feel that I have to as if I keep fussing about what HAS happened and not making NEW THINGS happen, then I"m just running around in circles and on getting anywhere in my life.

*HUGS* Welcome to the forums. We are totally here to support you.

I must be addicted to food. I'm obsessed with it. I want it all the time, even when I'm not hungry. I feel like I have to pack it in before someone else gets it and then it's gone. I am not satisfied with a scoop of ice cream, I eat half a carton. It's not a serving of macaroni, it's a box.

I eat in my car a lot. I usually try to hit a drive thru so I don't have to get out of the car. If I go to McDonald's, I order something extra I can eat in the car on my way home so no one sees me do it. Sometimes I pick up food coming home from work, eat it, hide the evidence in the trash, and then sit down to dinner with my husband when he gets home from working second shift. This has been going on for years.

I am reaching desperately towards the concept that I can eat a normal meal. Today I had a bowl of cereal with a glass of juice, grilled chicken in a flour tortilla with baked potato chips and yogurt, and then I had to embrace dinner. I begin flailing wildly. I can have a Lean Cuisine, or I can starve. Yes, those are my options. Will it be A or B? I'm so fat, I don't deserve anything else. I must get this weight off, I must get it off immediately, A OR B? It took quite awhile to convince myself that I COULD eat a normal sized portion of the beef stew I'd made for my husband. I couldn't eat a bucket of it, I couldn't wash it down with a loaf of bread, but I COULD have some. My day wouldn't be a total waste, it wouldn't be a failure, and I didn't have to desperately consume mass quantities knowing that I'd have to deprive myself even more tomorrow.

I ate the stew. One helping; it was delicious. Then I took a walk around the block. I hope tomorrow goes this well.

If food was heroine, I'd have been dead a long time ago.

It sounds to me like you are stuck in the "crazies" as I call them. Thats when you feel as though you have no control over your actions and eating is frenzied, and as much as you are desperate to stop, you feel you can't.

I finally realized that no amount of analyzing the why of it was going to boost me into action. Honestly, I no longer care why I ate the way I did or why I gained and lost huge amounts of weight. It's all water under the bridge. What I care about now is stopping the "crazies". I can't pinpoint what it is that made me stop, but I do remember that I stopped thinking about it, worrying about it, talking about it and just DID IT. I bought a diet software program ($30) and started logging what I ate without trying to diet. I did this for 2 weeks so I could get a sense of what I was doing in a logical manner, rather than freaking out because I suspected I ate enough food to fill an ocean liner. I was completely non-judgmental about it, took it on like a science project.

I averaged about 3200 calories a day! I started experimenting by eating less, a little bit at a time. I have logged every bite of food for the last 9 months, it's so automatic and takes only a few minutes a day that I no longer think of it as a chore. (I brush my teeth, I enter my foods). The difference is, that it doesn't matter HOW many calories I eat or if the day is diet perfect, it matters only that I care enough about myself to record it. This helps me see what I do...how I react to stress, boredom, how I talk myself into eating or not eating. I see it like having to take a medication everyday whether I want to or not. It doesn't matter if I am happy, sad, goo or bad....I "take" my medicine by entering the foods I eat.

The best part is being able to create reports, seeing the trends, the ups and downs, the 'round and 'rounds. Just last month I came to the conclusion that I was treading water and want to stop that. The decision came from looking at the reports, not by looking in the mirror and getting upset. I think having this program be so neutral, being just a source of information has taken the emotional swings away.

One last benefit....having the mindset that this is just the way it is until I reach goal (even if it takes many years) and that it is a continuous process, I don't get those "tomorrow is another day to start fresh" ideas. When I thought that way....I'd have a big "last supper" day.....ALL DAY. lol

Nope, this is ongoing. Meal by meal, day by day. No more crazies. Just doing it.

It's important not to starve yourself, as you'll just yoyo diet.

Have you considered a diet where you are free to eat certain things? WW Core, Atkins, Primal, etc.

OMG - you sound just like me (well i have never lost the weight before). Really... the eating in the car, the ordering something extra so I can eat it.

oneLess, I was just about to write the same thing.

This sounds exactly, EXACTLY like me:
So Big Mare, we may have different situations and circumstances in our lives, but when it comes to feeling like that... we're in the same boat. And I don't know that we can change that boat... but we change the way we row it! I'm proud of you choosing to have a single bowl of stew and then get out and walk. For me half the battle is just getting AWAY from the food! Keep it up.

I really feel for you. I have been there and survived it and it is no fun. Pills aren't the magic answer. I found that I can't allow myself sugar or carbs because they are my heroin. I treat it just like an alcoholic or drug addict and have done well changing my thinking to this. You may be a person that has an addiction to these things and aside from any emotional reason to eat you may be feeding your addiction. I know too well that once I get started eating grains and sugar my body just wants more!

Everyone here is so supportive and sometimes that helps give us the push we need! You know you can do if you've done it before, just need to buckle down and do it! I'm big on not making excuses or prolonging the inevitable, just do it! You are strong and you aren't feeding your body what it deserves, your heart, liver, brain, muscles, etc deserve the best to help you live your best life! YOU DESERVE to live a long life and enjoy activities with your son and husband! Jump on in, it feels good! Don't dwell on your past mistakes, move forward and make every minute count that is the best lesson you could ever teach your son. You may have to fake it at first, but believe in yourself and before long you will have better mental clarity.

You can do it!

Have you had a recent physical? How's your blood sugar? Are you insulin resistant? Nobody has mentioned that yet.

I remember having food crazies before I was dx'd with IR. It was like a driving compulsion -- I couldn't keep away from carby/sugary food and could down a whole bag of cookies or a loaf or... I'd feel better for a while and then I'd want it again.

I thought I must be a compulsive overeating type and even looked up up on

http://www.something-fishy.org/whatarethey/coe.php

but while I did have some stress-related eating going on, the larger part of it for me was crazy blood sugar spikes.

As a young 20's woman, I really had horrible collegiate eating habits. Way too much junk food and not enough cooking skills. Also poor sleep habits and relying on coffee/soda to perk me up.

I tend to forget how far I've come in those areas.

A.

Like others who have already posted, the key for me in taming my food obsession and to getting in control was to eliminate sugar and other white refined carbs. "Moderation" simply does not work for me when it comes to those items. However, eliminating them entirely meant becoming sane and losing weight easily, without feeling hungry.

Sobriety from sugar...because I am, biochemically, a sugar addict. I am free now, with 2 years of sobriety.

Good luck to you. You're in the right place. If you're looking for a structured way to get free of your obsession with "white" food, then I'd suggest South Beach or Atkins.

I'm right there with you!! Well, I was. I did the whole hiding food thing, too. Which is why I chose to have weight loss surgery. I hadn't been successful doing it on my own and I needed a tool. A tool that I couldn't ignore. It has been awesome!!!

Good luck! And I agree that you may need a new therapist. Pills aren't your answer. Finding out why you are addicted to food is.