I've been struggling with my weight (and lurking on 3fatchicks) for a long time and the one thing that causes me more suffering than actually being overweight is how angry and sad I am that I have caused irreversible damage to my body even if I lost all the excess weight tomorrow I would still have the joints, the skin and in many ways the metabolism and blood chemistry of a formerly morbidly obese woman.

I feel like it will be very hard for me to have any lasting success until I get over this hump. In many ways I think I am punishing myself for allowing myself to get this way by staying this was (sick I know- I see a therapist who helps me challenge this notion-but it's hard).

I feel like you maintainers must know what it's like to have this guilt and must have gotten over it or at least dealt with it enough to be able to focus on the future. So my question is How did you do it? How do your forgive yourselves for what you did (if you in fact feel it was you, I know some people do gain weight for medical reasons- this isn't address to them though I am sure they can have insight) that made you overweight?

I also have another questions which may be the flip side of the same coin- so many of you say in your goal stories and posts (bless you for posting them) that you weren't successful in losing weight until you felt you were worth the effort it took. How did you guys get there emotionally/mentally?

Thanks so much for your attention and for your inspirational posts

Margarita

I think guilt comes from beating ourselves up. You cannot change what you did, but you certainly can change what you are going to do.

For me, it meant stopping the negative self talk that was so habitual. I had to seriously think of good things to say and repeat them to myself. Swapping one habit for another. It takes time, and those negative thoughts can creep back if you let them.

The thing is, you are worth it. You are worthy of a strong and healthy body and you deserve one!

First of all you have NOT caused irreversible damage to your body. Your body is much more forgiving than you're giving it credit for. Losing the weight right this minute, every 4 lbs off in fact, is a GREAT improvement to your health. Getting to and staying at a healthy weight is a wonderful way to stave off many debilitating and deadly diseases. Excess skin? Big deal. It doesn't cause cancer or high blood pressure and is EASILY hidden in clothing and it may be better than you imagine, it certainly has been for me. And if you think you look better with nice taut skin that's filled with FAT, well, I beg to differ, but that's just my opinion and LOTS of others as well if I were to go by the oodles and oodles and oodles of compliments I get. And better to have the joints, blood chemistry, metabolism, of a FORMER morbidly obese person than a CURRENT one or a dead one. Please do not use this as an excuse to delay making changes. It is NOT too late. You say you've been lurking - do any of us maintainers sound unhappy with their results????? I don't know how much you need to lose, but you should also check out the 100 lb forum, there are lots and lots of folks who are not quite maintaining yet, but have lost close to and over 100 lbs and not a one of them sounds displeased with the results either.

How do you forgive yourself? How do you NOT? How do you NOT?
You could not forgive yourself and just keep getting heavier and heavier, unhealthier and unhealthier, more and more miserable - or you could DEAL with it, put your foot down and say, "I'm not going to take this another second. Enough is enough. I can't change my past, but I sure as heck can change my future by taking action and making changes TODAY. I don't have to live this way. I don't have to be fat if I don't want to be. I deserve better. No more settling for second best when first best is well within my reach". I was the one that got myself into the mess and heck, I was the only one that could get me out. I got into the mess one pound at a time, and I would get myself OUT of the mess one pound at a time as well.

You have to know that this and you are worthy of the effort and time and work put towards it.

Make the decision to lose the weight, make the commitment to do it and AMAZE yourself with all that you are capable of and all that life has to offer. You can not even imagine what you are missing. The best is yet to come - find out who you were meant to be.

Oooh, one more thing - you don't have to have everything figured out before you make the change. START implementing those changes NOW - you will grow and learn as your journey progresses in ways you can not even imagine. Some things will become apparent to you. It's a very emotional journey. Lots of self discovery and growth. I urge you to not wait till you've got all the pieces of the puzzle in place. Make that decision, that commitment and transform your life.

Great post, rockinrobin.

The only thing I could add is that it sounds like an excuse your mind is creating to avoid having to start the journey, or sabotage any success you might have, like it's a fallback in case you choose not to succeed (yes, it's a choice, always a choice). I know I was only ready to start the process when I was ready to start the process. The fact that you are here lurking on this site tells me you're ready. Go for it! The best motivation is success, and you only get that once you've started. So start right now! Yay!

Thank you so much for your responses. I read each of them several times, and I read them out loud and cried ( I see crying as a good thing! really).

How wonderful it is that you can move and inspire someone you have never met by just telling the truth as you see it.

You are all absolutely right:

Fiberlover, The negative self talk wont magically go away, anymore than it magically appeared. No one is born thinking little of themselves, you have to "be taught" one way or another and you have to practice. I hope to re-teach myself.

Robin, How can I justly acknowledge everything you say? I can't. But I will say that I hope to amaze myself.

Louisa, Success is a choice, its funny I never thought about it that way, I always thought that success or happiness were things that just happened to you (it funny that I always thought that failure or unhappiness were things you brought upon yourself in other words- if you were suffering you did something to deserve it) but yes of course I see now that success is a choice and that these uncomfortable feelings may be a challenge to success, but I cannot allow them to be an excuse.

I still feel like the process of forgiving myself will be hard and I don't really have a road map (blame I understand really well-forgiveness is foreign) but that doesn't mean I can't move forward.

Thank you again so much.

M

This post was along a similar vein and I think it may help you a little, if nothing else, it's worth a read.

We cannot undo the past, we can only forgive ourselves and move forward. You also have no idea what your body will look like after weight loss until you try, you may be pleasantly suprised. Although my new body is not all I hoped for I cannot tell you how much happier, healthier and amazing I feel. Also, we don't walk around naked all day and you'll be amazed what clothing can hide

I don't have any regrets as I think I needed to get to where I was before I was able to be successful. I really needed to be thoroughly fed up and uncomfortable in my own skin before I could move on.

True, my maintenance body is not that of a supermodel but my secret is control knickers and a good support bra!

Kitty

Somehow I have always managed to blame everyone except myself for my weight gain, which left me with no real need to forgive myself. I think this is mostly because I gained my weight while I was in high school and college, and once I was really independent and out on my own, I lost it. That's not to say I believe I was not responsible for my own weight gain, just that I feel I was set up for failure.

I do have difficulty forgiving my parents for not teaching me good eating habits and not being good role models. Outside of the food/body image realm, I have never had any complaints about my parents and I think they did a great job of raising me. It's only in the food/body image area that I have problems with them. I have forgiven my mother, since she has also made a major lifestyle change and I think she finally understands why I got so fat in the first place and how hard it was to lose weight. I mentioned this in the chat thread last week, but I still don't think I have forgiven my father and I'm not sure if I can. There was much more to it in his case than just being a poor role model.

Anyway I don't know if that is remotely relevant to you, but I agree with everyone else that you have NOT cause irreversible damage to your body! Our bodies are far more resilient than we give them credit for!