So, I have this friend. She used to be my very best friend until she moved to CA and our relationship sort of fizzled. Over the years I got serious with my BF, she got serious with hers, there were weddings, babies...and all throughout I've had this weird, almost competitive feeling about her. She always makes me feel bad about myself no matter what I do. She doesn't do it outwardly though. She's probably one of the nicest people I know! But why does she make me feel terrible about my life, especially my weight? She's coming to visit on Saturday with her perfect body, perfect baby, and perfect life. There's a part of me that's so looking forward to seeing her. I just wish I felt better about myself. This weekend I totally lost control, gained a pound and a half...ugh...self sabotage...
Anyone else experience this in their lives? How do you deal/get over yourself?
I had that sort of a relationship with my older sister. She had the perfect marriage. I was married 3 times. She had the most perfect son and my two kids treat me like crap. I bit my tongue for all of these years only to find out later that her husband beat her and that she gave a $300,000 house that was paid for to her perfect son and wife was lost when they foreclosed on it and moved far away from her taking her one and only perfect grandchild with them.
Some times there is more than meets the eye and I am glad that I always bit my tongue and ignored the outer appearance and just enjoyed my times with my sister. Because hidden away is a very sad and lonely woman.
I think that when we share something in common with a person close to us (age, gender, parents etc), its hard not to feel some sort of competition. Sure there are models and celebs out there, but they seem far away, and its easier to feel bad about yourself in comparison to someone you see regularly. I feel this way about my female relatives. I think I read something in some women's mag that talked about sister rivalry-logically you know that you can BOTH be smart and pretty but there is this feeling that if your rival is pretty, then she is the "pretty one" and you are not-instead of feeling like you can be as awesome as her.
I too struggle with these feelings and I have to remind myself that there is a much bigger world out there than me and whoever I feel competitive with - there will always be "superstars" in every arena, so if I feel too much competition in general, I'll be miserable for the rest of my life (unless I suddenly transform into Wonder Woman with the brains of Einstein and the personality of Mother Teresa LOL).
I'll tell you one thing I've learned in life - very few of those people we view as having a 'perfect life' actually have one.
Given that, I think it's normal human nature to compare ourselves to our peers. Just keep trying to think of all the positive things in your life. You may not be happy about your weight, but you're doing something about it, and that's a positive thing!
With that said, though, it could be that your friend's behavior isn't as upfront kind as it seems. I don't know your friend, so obviously, I cannot tell, but I can tell you that I was friends with someone for years who seemed to envy me and made herself feel better by making subtle snide comments to put me down. For instance, when I was losing weight last year, I told her that I had gotten into all my old size 12s and even had bought a pair of shorts in size 10. I wasn't bragging, but I had been fat and miserable for five years, so I was really happy and proud of myself for finally doing something about it. Her response was to say, "You look good. I can definitely see that you can wear 12s. I'm not so sure about 10s, though." So, you see, she would add a little insult into the compliment. She did this for years, and for years I shrugged it off as me being too sensitive. Also, whenever we made plans to do anything, it was always me that would have to make the compromises---going to the theater? she chose the seats. Going out to dinner? She chose the restaurant. You get the picture. Finally, I just realized that I was hard enough on myself without having someone else piling it on as well. After a weekend trip where it became apparent that she enjoyed having someone to put down (me), I told her we were incompatible and should probably just go our own ways.
I'm not saying that this is the case with your friend, but there must be a reason for your feelings. It could be her or it could be you, but either way, it's worth thinking about.
I have been on both sides of this fence. There have been people in my past that I secretly envied and I realized after some time that I would almost unconsciously make snide remarks to try and bring them down. I had to stop that. Immediately.
I've also been on the recieving end of such treatment.
I think at the end of the day, you just have to do some inner work on you. When you really get to the bottom of whatever problem you're dealing with, all the extra, negative feelings and emotions seem to fade into the background.
I have been on both sides of this fence. There have been people in my past that I secretly envied and I realized after some time that I would almost unconsciously make snide remarks to try and bring them down. I had to stop that. Immediately.
That's very mature of you to admit this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachhumph
I think at the end of the day, you just have to do some inner work on you. When you really get to the bottom of whatever problem you're dealing with, all the extra, negative feelings and emotions seem to fade into the background.
You guys are wonderful. Thank you for the support. In the back of my head I know that her life isn't "perfect". They bought a house they couldn't truly afford, her husband keeps getting laid off, etc etc. I've been trying to work on myself for YEARS, trying to focus on the good in my life. It's almost like my brain is incorrectly wired to think outward in negative comparison, instead of inward in enjoyment and thankfulness. Hopefully this will come with age (although I'm almost 31 so, you know, any day now would be great...). Do we ever truly get over it though?
Why does she effect me?
