Kind of a pathetic question, but I'm looking for honest answers.
In May, I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. I'm pretty confident that I can get down to about 240 by then. What I'm wondering, frankly, is if I'll ruin her wedding.
I don't want to be a distraction on a day that's so important for her. She and the rest of her bridesmaids are at least 3 inches shorter than me and none fat.
I can't remember what 240 looks like. Is that in the "generic invisible fat girl" category, or is that still up in "oh my god, she's enormous, look!" territory?my cousin hasn't seen me in years, so she doesn't know quite how fat I am. I don't want her to he ashamed, nor do I want to be humiliated. And I'm far too shy to talk to her about it, even if that would help (I'm not sure it would).
I do have a plausible escape tactic, so I could get out of it without hurting her feelings: I'm graduating college in May, and I could just tell her I have to start my job earlier than I really do.
As someone who has been married, I chose my attendants based on how much they meant to me...not on how they looked. The people standing up with us came in a variety of shapes and sizes, but what was relevant was how important they were, not what they looked like.
Honestly, she picked you because you have meaning in her life, not because you'll fill out some cookie cutter bridesmaid image they show in magazines. Really!
So take a deep breath, ok? Even if it were "generic invisible fat girl" territory, which it isn't, if such a category even exists, that's irrelevant to why you were asked to be in the wedding.
Paradise, if I'm reading this right, you are HOPING for "generic invisible fat girl" territory, as in, when one of her friends looks at the pictures, they'll think, hmph, one of those bridesmaids could stand to lose some weight but I'm not too focused on it, as opposed to OMG, who is THAT in the picture!? Am I right? IMHO, at 240 you'll probably be more in the first category. My humble opinion might be skewed a bit, because there for awhile I was most certainly in the 2nd -- stand out like a sore thumb, OMG look at that poor HUGE girl in that group picture.
This is such a hard subject. I personally feel the same way Mandalinn does, that who stands next to you on that day is a reflection of how much that person means to you, NOT how they look in the cheesy dresses I picked for them to wear. BUT, I don't think everyone thinks about it that way. Back in my 20s (when I WAS just invisibly fat), my very best friend in the entire world got married. I mean, we hung out together EVERY weekend, also saw each other several times a week, talked on the phone about our problems and deepest darkest secrets, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say we were as close as sisters. When she got married, she picked her sister and some chick we hardly ever even saw to be her attendants. I was relegated to having people sign the book when they came in -- which she tried to talk up as a "very important job" (roll eyes). I participated, but my feelings were for sure hurt, and we just never were what we had been to each other again after that. The kicker to me really was that SHE herself was about as overweight as I was! It was pretty apparent to me why she didn't want me as a bridesmaid when I saw the dresses she picked, a very form-fitting, slinky sleeveless dress. I REALLY don't believe I was just projecting my own insecurity here, either. She was VERY into appearances and I know her wedding pictures were the main concern.
I think just the fact that your cousin asked you to participate shows that she feels the same way as Mandalinn about it. I think I am starting to ramble here, and don't even think I have any advice. But your post struck a chord with me. Do what you're comfortable with, and hopefully you'll get lots more replies!
If your being heavy ruins someone's wedding, that wedding was doomed from the start. But no, 240 is not heavy enough to make people gawk and stare and soil themselves.
Joining the chorus that it's you invited to participate in the wedding - not your body for Martha-Stewart-like photos.
That will be true at 300, 240, or whatever you are in May, up or down. I wish you well in your goal to get yourself on an eating plan and exercise plan so that your body can lose weight, but it's not an additional burden that it has to lose 5 pounds a month between now and May for you to be OK. That's a reasonable goal; great if you can do it, but useful, in my opinion, if you give yourself permission to let your body move at its own rate and enjoy your cousin's wedding at whatever size it decides to be on that date.
You might consider spending time gently reminding yourself what a neat person you are that your cousin wants you in her wedding. If you attend with your shoulders held back and your self-confidence in place, that will shine above everything else in the pictures.
You might also ask for suggestions about the near-absurdity of predicting your size in advance for fitting your bridesmaid dress; that subject has been discussed around here and there are passionate opinions and heartfelt experiences.
Last edited by BillBlueEyes; 12-23-2010 at 07:20 AM.
Reason: Oops - Recalculated pounds per month to lose
Paradise, I just want to say that your feelings and concerns are are very valid and I know very real to you. I would have the exact same fears and worries. But I bet if anyone else posted this thread you'd be the first one to reply with the very wise advise you've already been given. It's one thing to KNOW. It's another to FEEL.
Know too that the more you lose, the better you feel about yourself. You don't have to be at goal to feel amazing. Remind yourself every day about how much better you feel and look today than when you started. I recommend that on the day of the wedding you step into your "fat pants" to remind yourself how far you've come. That will put you in good spirits for the rest of the day.
I have a cousin's wedding coming up in March, and though I'm not IN it, I've been obsessing about it for a year and a half. We've all been there!
If I could find one of my wedding pictures with all my bridesmaids, I'd post it. DARN YOU PHOTOBUCKET! LOL.
Anyways, I also want to join in the picked-out-of-love-not-weight-in-pictures. I had bridesmaids from 5'0" and 90lbs to 5'2" and 300. It's cool, I love them all because of who they are, not what they look like.
Is your cousin super vain and weight oriented, generally? If not, I'd take a deep breath and realize, it'll be okay. You are not going to ruin any wedding pictures!!! If she is, rock that dress and have a GREAT TIME at the reception, on her dime!
You're not going to be a distraction seriously, most people are more consumed with the bride and groom on the wedding day. I went to a wedding where the bride was fat and her bridesmaids were thin...but no one was going to say omg she's so fat she doesn't look good.
I think you're just a little too worried and you have an insecure issue with yourself, and by having that issue you think everyone else will have the same issue for you. Relax, smile and be happy you were invited and asked to be apart of something special for your cousins wedding. Most of your thoughts are because of you, not everyone else.
So, you really need to not let yourself slide down the slippery slope of negative thoughts.... If you start thinking "The dresses will look better on the others" then to "I'm going to be a distraction at the wedding" to "I could ruin her big day" to "I'm considering getting out of the wedding entirely with an excuse I've thought up" - you keep getting more negative!
Come on - none of these thoughts are rational or even remotely correct. If you were to show up drunk and do a belly dive into the cake, that would ruin her day. Being overweight? That is not going to ruin someone's wedding!
The story that Shannonmb told is extreme and her friend was downright mean and superficial.
Next time a negative thought comes in, push it out immediately and just think "I'm going to support her on her important day and it is going to be loads of fun." Mandalinn is right - you mean a lot to her and she chose you because you have meaning and because you can help make her day better.
I think you were chosen to be a bridesmaid b/c your cousin loves you so much and wants you to stand with her as she enters a new phase of her life. Has nothing to do with your weight... and there is quite an obligation to her for that...
however, from experience it can be very uncorfortable. I was so heavy for one of my best friends weddings. Every picture of her wedding that I saw I felt embaressed. It didn't help that some other bridesmaids were model thin. The only thing that helped me was that I had my hair beautifully and professionally done and also my make up. She also honored me by allowing every bridesmaid to pick a pattern and have a dress made of the material of her choosing. That helped as I couldn't have worn some of the choices that the other girls wanted.
I agree with everyone else that a fat bridesmaid can't "ruin" a wedding, at least not any wedding worth having. And I wouldn't assume your cousin doesn't know your current weight: some "well meaning" family member has told her over the years, I assure you! (Ah, family!).
That said, I understand how terrifying this is. If you look at http://www.mybodygallery.com/, you can get an idea of what women at the range you are aiming at look like (look around your height and weight, not just the exact numbers). That may comfort you some. I am your height, and around 240 is when I started to feel "normally fat", which I think is what you are hoping for.
I was maid of honor at my heaviest, for the most petite little bride you'd ever seen. I had the same thoughts . . . about how I'd look, what people would think, what people would see.
Then I realized something . . . . ITS NOT ABOUT ME . . . . it was her day, people would be looking at her.
Not to say that the wedding party isnt a special part of that day, of course they are - because the Bride and Groom have thought to themselves, these are the people that love me, support me, are there in the good, the bad and I want them to be part of my special day.
Be excited, be happy, be touched that you have been asked to be a part of it. She's not asking you to be a guest, she's asking you to stand there with her on a happy day, and she will be thrilled that you ARE standing there with her. Just remember that, that's what she will remember 10 years from now, that you were there for her.
If your being heavy ruins someone's wedding, that wedding was doomed from the start. But no, 240 is not heavy enough to make people gawk and stare and soil themselves.
I agree with this completely.
At 5ft and 300lbs I was omg look at her huge. Now that Im about 230 Im down to fat but not the biggest youve ever seen anymore. I know what you're feeling but try so hard to push it away and enjoy being that special to someone.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friend. She was a wonderful girl and had so many friends. She did her best to get us all in the wedding. All shapes, sizes and colors. The dresses were in a rainbow of colors. Some of the bridesmaids were very large, but in the photos, these many years later, the bride was an elegant white Calla lily, surrounded by her boquet of tea roses. Size meant nothing. We were her friends.
Kind of a pathetic question, but I'm looking for honest answers.
You don't have to be at goal to feel amazing. Remind yourself every day about how much better you feel and look today than when you started. I recommend that on the day of the wedding you step into your "fat pants" to remind yourself how far you've come. That will put you in good spirits for the rest of the day. 
We've all been there!
Excellent post!
