I haven't been hurt by a friend this badly since high school!! Let me start at the beginning.
A month ago, I offered to throw my DH's boss' wife's baby shower. As couples, the four of us are good friends. I was warned by my DH not to do it because she is a very strong-willed woman who is a pessimist and gets irate and petty if she doesn't get her way. I heeded his warning and told him that if she did want me to throw the shower, I would just accommodate her every wish as much as our budget allowed. I Well, she said that would be nice and I warned her that I would be out of town on business a lot between now and then, but that this was a gift we wanted to give them and that I would make sure that everything was running smoothly. We settle on a good date, a theme and I tell her to have the guest list for me on a certain date. During the course of the discussion, she complains loud and long about how boring the last baby shower she went to was.
I took that info, made plans, etc., and etc. We met for lunch last Wednesday so she could give me her guest list and we could discuss what was progressing. She immediately shot down my idea of having fruit and veggie trays and said, "no, I just want cake." Okay, no problem. Well, shortly after that, another friend of ours who was helping with the shower showed up and convinced mommy-to-be that veggie trays would be simple and cheap enough and would provide her guests some good snacks besides cake. Well, then we got to the issue of the guest list and friend kept arguing with mommy-to-be about who to invite. I didn't know any of these people they were discussing, so I stayed out of it for a bit, but it was just going around in circles. It was I who ended that argument by changing the subject. So, we all go our separate ways and I feel very proud of myself for being able to handle things so nicely.
Well, not an hour after lunch, I receive a voice mail from mommy-to-be that I hurt her feelings for not letting her help pay for the shower. What?! I don't understand her train of thought, but I call her back as soon as I'm off of work to talk it out and she never calls back. I see her at church, but they rush out of the building before I can get downstairs to talk to her, so I call her and leave her a voice mail apologizing for hurting her feelings in any way and reiterating that the financial obligation is all mine and DH's as we wanted to do this as a gift.
Yesterday I received an Facebook reply that I'm probably too stressed to do this and should just let the church ladies do it; she's sure they'll understand. She also said that this was too complicated when all she wanted was a simple shower. Finally, she pointed the finger of blame at me when it came to the argument about who to invite.
I'M SO HURT AND FRUSTRATED!! I'm trying to do a nice thing for her, have never complained about the amount of time or money I'm putting into it and she's trying to push me into backing out. I'm not positive, but I think she would ask me not to do it, but she wants to be able to tell everyone that I backed out.
I just want to cry because not only am I losing a friend over this, but I may be damaging DH's relationship with his boss AND I don't get to plan the shower. I love planning parties! I have lost so much respect for her and her DH. When I see her in my head now, she is an 18-year-old in a 40-year-old pregnant body.
Am I wrong? Am I doing a bad thing here? Is she justified in her wanting me to quit? Did I read her wrong when she was complaining about the simple shower she went to? I'm beside myself with questions and wondering if I did the wrong thing in trying to be nice?
Also, should I just bow out and take the beating from the church gossip wheel? Should I tell her how hurtful and insulting she was being? I want to be careful because she is pregnant and therefore, ten times more emotional, but it feels wrong to let her get away with treating me like this for no reason.
Last edited by Kim_Star060404; 08-26-2008 at 09:49 AM.
I'm reminded of a saying here... "No good deed goes unpunished."
I'd make one last effort... I'd call her, tell her that you're confused and ask to have a sit down about what's going on with the shower. One to one. No others.
Once there, explain that you were planning the shower as a gift to her & her husband for their new baby. You're unsure what went wrong exactly as it seems pretty simple as it is. Is there something complicated about it that she wants changed? As for the guest list... "I have only the list that you gave me. This party is for you. Is there someone else you need to add?"
If all else fails I suggest "Would you prefer me not to continue planning this party?"
If she says "Yes." Then say "OK." As for how that will affect your friendship... that's probably a whole nother discussion.
I'm reminded of a saying here... "No good deed goes unpunished."
I'd make one last effort... I'd call her, tell her that you're confused and ask to have a sit down about what's going on with the shower. One to one. No others.
Ditto that. And if you make no head-way, consider yourself lucky to be out of the game now, instead of during the shower. She's acting like a spoiled brat, and you don't need that.
wow it sounds like a major miscommnication problem here! She obviously didn't realize your intent to give the shower as a gift which meant that of course you would pay all expenses, I think I would .......tell her I'm sorry she's not happy with my plans and agree to split the cost if that makes her feel better.
just another reason for keeping professional distances in business relationships
I personally would take her up on her offer of letting the church ladies do it as it doesn't seem like anything you will do will be right or good enough.....
and I think you need to think about why you are doing it because in your post you stated that you were concerned about DH relationship with his boss AND ..... thtat you loved to plan parties and now you wouldn't be able to....
so my question is whether this is about giving the mom to be the shower that she wants..... OR is this about you loving to plan parties.....
because if it is the former and you want to continue then sitting down and having a heart to heart with mom about everything she wants and sticking to it regardless of what you want .... is a start....
if its about your love of planning parties.... then maybe it would be best to bow out graciously......
just another reason for keeping professional distances in business relationships
I personally would take her up on her offer of letting the church ladies do it as it doesn't seem like anything you will do will be right or good enough.....
and I think you need to think about why you are doing it because in your post you stated that you were concerned about DH relationship with his boss AND ..... thtat you loved to plan parties and now you wouldn't be able to....
so my question is whether this is about giving the mom to be the shower that she wants..... OR is this about you loving to plan parties.....
because if it is the former and you want to continue then sitting down and having a heart to heart with mom about everything she wants and sticking to it regardless of what you want .... is a start....
if its about your love of planning parties.... then maybe it would be best to bow out graciously......
In a town of 6400, if you don't have friends in the office, you don't have friends.
She is one of my best friends here and I have made it a point to let her know that this is all about her. From the first conversation we had, I made it clear that I was going to do what she wanted. And I have done that. Now she is changing what she said she wanted. That would be fine with me. I can manage changes. But, I was insulted that she seemed to be taking my gift to her and refusing it by suggesting that someone else do it.
DH's work relationship will be fine; they're professionals, but they are good friends at church and on the ranch. The harms besides "losing her as a friend" are just asides, I really wanted to throw her a shower as an expression of my happiness about their new arrival.
Anyhow, I took Faerie's advice and called her so that we could have lunch today and talk about this. She said no, that I could send her a Facebook message with my decision. I guess that's that.
Personally, I wouldn't keep insisting on planning this party. It was SUCH a nice thing you offered to do for her; SO NICE. Really, anyone would be honored to have such a great friend; that she's being SO impossible and unpleasant and ungrateful about this is really unfortunate.
I would call her up and say, "I wanted to throw you this party as a gift for you and your husband; it's so exciting that you're expecting and you deserve a wonderful shower. I'm not sure what exactly has gone wrong here; if I'v upset you, I apologize, but I honestly don't understand what has made you angry with me. I'd love to talk to you about this, because I don't want there to be any ill feelings between us, but at this point, I think you're right ab letting the church ladies plan the shower instead. Let me know who will be organizing it and I'll give them the guest list and anything else I already bought/arranged for it so far."
Really, bow out of this before your feelings get even more hurt and you can maybe still salvage the relationship. DON'T keep insisting on planning the shower -- you shouldn't BEG HER to LET YOU plan her party. That's ridiculous and demeaning, imo. And hey, maybe when she sees that you've had enough of her and don't WANT TO plan this thing anymore, she will grow some more respect for you, which it seems she lacks now, sorry to say.
In a town of 6400, if you don't have friends in the office, you don't have friends.
We live in a very small town in NH and my husband supervises over 150 people.... and I will be honest and say we travel to friends houses. We can't go out to dinner or to the grocery without meeting folks who work for DH.... but we work very hard to keep that separate. This town has under 4000 people in it.... none of our close friends live here.... most of them are about an hour away.... it just doesn't work and adds complication.
good luck in figuring this all out.
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt
s
Anyhow, I took Faerie's advice and called her so that we could have lunch today and talk about this. She said no, that I could send her a Facebook message with my decision. I guess that's that.
Oh I'm so sorry she's chosen to go that route. For her to refuse your gift so rudely and immaturely is... pretty inexcusable, no matter how pregnant she is. (Really, there are how many pregnant women on Earth at one time? It's not an excuse to be rude.)
You've done everything in your power at this point.
This is just me hating Facebook/Myspace pages... but those sorts of things can hang around in cyber-space forever.
This sort of "decision" if it really can be one... I'd call her, tell her you're sorry that your gift didn't turn out as you had hoped, and say that you hope the church ladies prepare everything the way she needs it to be. And if she asks why you didn't just leave a Facebook message (how juvenile), tell her you didn't think something like that should be left to something as impersonal as the internet.
I wish you all the luck. I'm very sorry that she's... well that she is who she is.
Last edited by Lovely; 08-26-2008 at 11:18 AM.
Reason: Oops! Grammar!
We live in a very small town in NH and my husband supervises over 150 people.... and I will be honest and say we travel to friends houses. We can't go out to dinner or to the grocery without meeting folks who work for DH.... but we work very hard to keep that separate. This town has under 4000 people in it.... none of our close friends live here.... most of them are about an hour away.... it just doesn't work and adds complication.
good luck in figuring this all out.
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt
s
I think it would be an option to travel if we weren't in such a remote area, but the nearest friends are 7 hours away. We have one that is one hour away, but he's a single guy who doesn't travel here, so we get to see him about once a quarter or so. We're a small town with some small towns around it. 30 minutes to the closest two, but we don't know anyone there. The nearest "metropolitan area" is 3.5 hours. Again, don't know anyone there, and it wouldn't really be worth it with gas being so high. We have friends at work - his office has five people in it, mine has about 10, and that's it. If we didn't hang out with those people, we'd have nobody but ourselves.
This is just me hating Facebook/Myspace pages... but those sorts of things can hang around in cyber-space forever.
This sort of "decision" if it really can be one... I'd call her, tell her you're sorry that you're gift didn't turn out as you had hoped, and say that you hope the church ladies prepare everything the way she needs it to be. And if she asks why you didn't just leave a Facebook message (how juvenile), tell her you didn't think something like that should be left to something as impersonal as the internet.
I agree with this completely! I think part of the insult was that she felt Facebook was the best venue for discussion rather than in person, or at least on the phone!
I'm feeling better after talking to her about lunch. Seems to me that she's just being, well, her, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to be sure and find them a really meaningful gift that will show that we are truly happy about their blessing.
Personally, I wouldn't reach out to her any further, on the phone, in person, via facebook, e-mail, smoke signal, etc. I know that she is your friend and that your husband works under hers and all, but really - you've already gone above and beyond the "call of duty" as a friend, as a work aquaintance, whatever.
The fact that she won't even talk to you, but just keeps telling you to send her a facebook message (which is a step below e-mail, imo, and is even a step down from text message too) reveals how little respect she has for you and your FRIENDSHIP.
I'm not even completely sure that i would even attend the baby shower she does wind up having (assuming you'll be invited, that is). Maybe that sounds petty, but if someone has such little respect for you, why should you rush out and buy her a gift? You've already spent money on her and she got mad at you. I don't care how many babies she's having, she doesn't deserve a present. I would maybe congratulate her after she has the baby, but I wouldn't spend anymore money on her.
Ugh... i just feel like you shouldn't have to beg for her friendship, and the more you try to contact her, imo that's exactly what you're doing: begging her to be your friend, to LET YOU do something nice for her you're under no obligation at all to do, to TALK TO YOU. If you buy her a "really thoughtful/meaningful" gift, it's like begging some more.
In terms of your husband's position at work with her husband as his boss... I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe your husband can even talk to hers about this situation -- chances are, her husband thinks she's being ridiculous too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim_Star060404
I agree with this completely! I think part of the insult was that she felt Facebook was the best venue for discussion rather than in person, or at least on the phone!
I'm feeling better after talking to her about lunch. Seems to me that she's just being, well, her, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to be sure and find them a really meaningful gift that will show that we are truly happy about their blessing.
Ugh... i just feel like you shouldn't have to beg for her friendship, and the more you try to contact her, imo that's exactly what you're doing: begging her to be your friend, to LET YOU do something nice for her you're under no obligation at all to do, to TALK TO YOU.
I think that under some circumstances it's absolutely advisable to disengage from a person, and I believe that depending on how much this person's friendship means to Kim_Star, that it would be a good thing to step back and away as this sort of person seems toxic. (I, too, would probably think twice about giving a generous gift...)
However, that being said, what needs to be done first is to end the matter at hand. And that is the party. The adult and appropriate way to do that is to give her a call, and let her know. The call doesn't have to be long, and it most certainly doesn't have to end in "I hope we're still friends."
Not letting her "friend" know, in any way, just adds fuel to the fire.
KLK, while, I understand your opinion, I am still obligated to tell her that I won't be participating in the planning of the shower, so I'll call her tomorrow after I prepare what to say. I refuse to stoop to her level and I don't want to say anything that isn't fair to her in this situation. I agree that she is being petty, but I will not become petty as well.
I'm planning on telling her that I will not participate in the planning of the shower, not because I don't want to or don't have time to, but because I am getting the feeling that she would rather I didn't.
In the long run, DH and I will still buy them a gift because, regardless of how we feel about this particular situation, we are still very happy for them and my DH is still close to her DH. The men both look at this as if it's just between her and I, which it is. It is not the baby's or the hubby's fault that this happened, so I wouldn't withhold a gift for the three of them due to a tiff between her and I.
I would not ever beg for anyone's friendship, but I do need to make sure that I didn't cause an unfair offense. I've only got my side of the story to go on. She could be upset at me for a valid reason that I'm just not seeing. My phone call this morning was to see if we could sit down and figure this all out. She could be so mad at me right now, stressed about the baby, stressed about work or etc., that she doesn't see how rude this is. Either way, it will come out eventually, but I'd rather not let our problems with this shower taint the birth of their first, and only, child. If we end up at odds because of this, I know that I made the effort through that phone call this morning and will be at peace that I at least tried. She will just have her bitterness and anger at the end of all of this.
Last edited by Kim_Star060404; 08-26-2008 at 12:22 PM.
Baby Shower Blues
