I think that under some circumstances it's absolutely advisable to disengage from a person, and I believe that depending on how much this person's friendship means to Kim_Star, that it would be a good thing to step back and away as this sort of person seems toxic. (I, too, would probably think twice about giving a generous gift...)
However, that being said, what needs to be done first is to end the matter at hand. And that is the party. The adult and appropriate way to do that is to give her a call, and let her know. The call doesn't have to be long, and it most certainly doesn't have to end in "I hope we're still friends."
Not letting her "friend" know, in any way, just adds fuel to the fire.
Oh, no no I totally agree -- she would need to officially bow out as party planner. My point was that any further attempts to convince this lady to stop acting ridiculous or to figure out why she's mad (assuming there even IS a real reason) or to talk through what happened, etc. would be begging for her friendship. But I was mostly responding to her final statement, about buying her a meaningful gift to show how happy she is for her, etc.
That last statement got to me bc I used to be the kind of person who would get hurt by someone BUT STILL go out and buy them something nice anyway for their birthday bc I was afraid of being "mean" no matter how badly they hurt or insulted me. There is definitely such a thing as being too nice!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faerie
I think that under some circumstances it's absolutely advisable to disengage from a person, and I believe that depending on how much this person's friendship means to Kim_Star, that it would be a good thing to step back and away as this sort of person seems toxic. (I, too, would probably think twice about giving a generous gift...)
However, that being said, what needs to be done first is to end the matter at hand. And that is the party. The adult and appropriate way to do that is to give her a call, and let her know. The call doesn't have to be long, and it most certainly doesn't have to end in "I hope we're still friends."
Not letting her "friend" know, in any way, just adds fuel to the fire.
I would probably just send a card! - seriously, what a freak! She has no right to be upset with you. I never even had a shower (for either pregnancy!) because we "live too far away " - I would have LOVED for someone to throw me a shower.
That last statement got to me bc I used to be the kind of person who would get hurt by someone BUT STILL go out and buy them something nice anyway for their birthday bc I was afraid of being "mean" no matter how badly they hurt or insulted me. There is definitely such a thing as being too nice!
Ah hah! Oh yes! Why do women do this to ourselves? So worried that we'd be mean and someone won't like us anymore... Silly when we look back on it. Ah well, that's a topic for a different thread I'm sure!
Maybe it's just me, but isn't a baby shower planned by family/friends, attended by the mom to be??? Personally I was taught to be grateful/appreciative of things people do for me (whether I liked it or not ) because of the effort involved. Remember, "it's the thought that counts"!!
I was put on bedrest two days before my shower with my first -- my friends/family brought the baby shower to me -- that's what friends do!!
I would definitely bow out, but if you want, let her know if the other people who are planning it need any help, you would love to.
Attend the shower (if she invites you) -- be the better person you know you are
(Sometimes we are better off without friends than to have friends who drain us)
Kim... Hugs dear... Sorry your friend is so self centered she didn't see the gift for what it was. Sometimes people have reasons for feeling "funny" about accepting such a gift. Perhaps there's more to it than you know. I for one have a hard time, but thats because growing up I was made a charity case for my mother and have done everything in my power not to be so. It took about fifteen years (mom died twenty years ago this past Janurary) for me to realize that such a gift is just that, a gift, and not charity. But from what your husband warned, it sounds like a bit of immaturity in there as well... That being said...
As for not having many friends, I know the feeling. And today, *(I just now read this post, and this came to me before reading this thread), I was doing dishes and was thinking of inviting a few of my neighbors for a cook out! I had to dismiss it as I don't have the money!
But, how about asking a few of the church members to your home for a cook out? Perhaps a Bible Study, or just a movie night? I think I'd rather have church members as family, but they too sometimes can be pretty bad!
How about a "block" party? with your neighbors? Have everyone gather with a bring your own picnic dinner? a "get to know you"...
Believe me, I'm talking to myself here as well. My son recently moved out, my sister lives 45 mins away and with work and 3 kids, hubby, two dogs, she doesn't get much time for me. And my best friend lives an hour and a half away and has 6 kids! With working all the time (up till July that is) I never had a chance to socialize much. I found myself monitoring a dog obedience (advanced) class last night and enjoyed it... Looking for a church with whom to fellowship but so far no luck!
When a woman gets married, she plans her own ceremony. That is her chance to pick colors, themes, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
However, when someone throws someone ELSE a shower-be it a bridal shower, or baby shower-it is SUPPOSED to be a friend or relative throwing a party for the bride or mother. In many cases, the showers can even be "surprise" ones, where the bride or mom doesn't even know that it is happening.
I do not believe that the bride or mom, should be planning their own showers. That is the job of the person throwing the event...and the person of honor is just supposed to attend, and get presents.
If the bride, or mom-to-be, is too involved in the party planning, it's almost as if they are throwing their OWN party to get presents. Not correct!!!
I am throwing a shower for my SIL, and planning it now. Other than her choosing the date, and giving me the guest list, she has no involvement. That's the way it is supposed to go...
I totally agree. I just had my bridal shower a few weeks ago and it was a complete surprise! I didn't even know my mother and bridsmaids were planning it! It was SOO cute and fun and sweet to know that they care enough about me to go to all this trouble for me.
I couldn't imagine complaining about any part of it to them or actually making them FEEL BAD about the party or what they planned, etc. What kind of person does that? If I were planning my own shower, would I have chosen the exact decorations they chose for me? Possibly not. Would I have chosen the exact same menu? Possibly not. But that doesn't matter -- not to sound weird and cliche, but it REALLY is the thought that counts and anyone who has a party thrown in their honor, imo, should only feel touched and, well, honored.
(But just to add: The food/decorations were all lovely and delicious, I was just using those as examples up above).
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphil
This is my opinion...
When a woman gets married, she plans her own ceremony. That is her chance to pick colors, themes, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
However, when someone throws someone ELSE a shower-be it a bridal shower, or baby shower-it is SUPPOSED to be a friend or relative throwing a party for the bride or mother. In many cases, the showers can even be "surprise" ones, where the bride or mom doesn't even know that it is happening.
I do not believe that the bride or mom, should be planning their own showers. That is the job of the person throwing the event...and the person of honor is just supposed to attend, and get presents.
If the bride, or mom-to-be, is too involved in the party planning, it's almost as if they are throwing their OWN party to get presents. Not correct!!!
I am throwing a shower for my SIL, and planning it now. Other than her choosing the date, and giving me the guest list, she has no involvement. That's the way it is supposed to go...
It's hard to say where that mindset comes from, but I think a lot of women believe that if you put yourself last and care more about what other people want than what you want, people will like you more. So if someone is nasty or mean to you, if they hurt your feelings, you should still go out and scour the earth looking for the most thoughtful gift you can find bc, hey, they'd still want a gift!
Of course, that strategy doesn't work -- it just makes people lose respect for you and makes them believe they can treat you however they like and you'll STILL do nice things for them bc... you will!
I'm really over this, but I was like that for YEARS and looking back on it, I annoy myself lol. I think this is an interesting topic, since so many women fall into this trap, but it is a topic for another thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faerie
Ah hah! Oh yes! Why do women do this to ourselves? So worried that we'd be mean and someone won't like us anymore... Silly when we look back on it. Ah well, that's a topic for a different thread I'm sure!
Kim... Hugs dear... Sorry your friend is so self centered she didn't see the gift for what it was. Sometimes people have reasons for feeling "funny" about accepting such a gift. Perhaps there's more to it than you know. I for one have a hard time, but thats because growing up I was made a charity case for my mother and have done everything in my power not to be so. It took about fifteen years (mom died twenty years ago this past Janurary) for me to realize that such a gift is just that, a gift, and not charity. But from what your husband warned, it sounds like a bit of immaturity in there as well... That being said...
As for not having many friends, I know the feeling. And today, *(I just now read this post, and this came to me before reading this thread), I was doing dishes and was thinking of inviting a few of my neighbors for a cook out! I had to dismiss it as I don't have the money!
But, how about asking a few of the church members to your home for a cook out? Perhaps a Bible Study, or just a movie night? I think I'd rather have church members as family, but they too sometimes can be pretty bad!
How about a "block" party? with your neighbors? Have everyone gather with a bring your own picnic dinner? a "get to know you"...
Believe me, I'm talking to myself here as well. My son recently moved out, my sister lives 45 mins away and with work and 3 kids, hubby, two dogs, she doesn't get much time for me. And my best friend lives an hour and a half away and has 6 kids! With working all the time (up till July that is) I never had a chance to socialize much. I found myself monitoring a dog obedience (advanced) class last night and enjoyed it... Looking for a church with whom to fellowship but so far no luck!
Just some ideas maybe?
Hugs hun! :hugs:
Thanks a bunch, Loriann. We've been going through the different groups in our church and just don't fit in. The married couples our age have millions of kids running around, so that is where the conversation is centered. The couples without kids are in their 40s+, so that means not much in common there, either. The single people our age in church are all college kids and we have very little in common with them, either. We are trying to find other resources for friends, but it's not coming together for us right now. We've got each other, though. He is my best friend, so I'll be happy with that and not take him for granted. My best friend is 7 hours away and we're at really different places in our lives, so phone conversations aren't even that frequent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphil
This is my opinion...
When a woman gets married, she plans her own ceremony. That is her chance to pick colors, themes, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
However, when someone throws someone ELSE a shower-be it a bridal shower, or baby shower-it is SUPPOSED to be a friend or relative throwing a party for the bride or mother. In many cases, the showers can even be "surprise" ones, where the bride or mom doesn't even know that it is happening.
I do not believe that the bride or mom, should be planning their own showers. That is the job of the person throwing the event...and the person of honor is just supposed to attend, and get presents.
If the bride, or mom-to-be, is too involved in the party planning, it's almost as if they are throwing their OWN party to get presents. Not correct!!!
I am throwing a shower for my SIL, and planning it now. Other than her choosing the date, and giving me the guest list, she has no involvement. That's the way it is supposed to go...
I agree whole-heartedly and if it had been a shower for one of my sisters or other friends from home, well I would've done it that way. The more I try to explain it, the worse it makes her sound, but it is the truth. She is so darn picky that I knew if she didn't have any input she'd cause a scene during the shower. It was my naivety that got me into this in the first place. Pure stupidity on my part.
I made the phone call to tell her that I would step aside and let someone else plan the shower. She didn't answer, so I left her a message and kept it short and as sweet as possible. (Better than a Facebook message, I reckon.) I also told her that I would assist whoever does take over the planning and that she could give said person my number in case they had any questions.
I did call the church to give them a heads up, but told them to keep the date on the calendar because I wasn't sure when they'd have the shower. I also called one of the ladies that offered to help me with the shower prep, that mommy-to-be has approved to pass the torch to, and let her know what was going on. She was quite shocked and asked that I call her if I found out who was heading the planning now. I didn't go into detail, just told her that there was a bit of a difference of opinion and that it was best if I just stepped aside. I hope that takes care of everything.
Last edited by Kim_Star060404; 08-27-2008 at 02:27 PM.
Um. I have nothing other to say than something rude. But I will still say it.
What a b*tch! (The mommy-to-be, of course.)
I just don't understand why this woman is doing this to someone who clearly is only trying to be the best friend that they can be... it's ridiculous. Hope everything comes to a resolution soon.
) because of the effort involved. Remember, "it's the thought that counts"!! 
. Isuppose thats one reason I'm addicted to 3fatchicks? 
