Hey all and a big welcome back to you Britt. We have all been wondering about you and if you were making babies or not. I think just being healthy will help you in more areas than just the baby making. I also have heard that low GI diets are excellent for POCS sufferers. I have a friend with POCS and she lost 20kg and then fell pregnant after she was told it would never happen. The baby is now 2years old and just fabulous. to you.

Ani and Kathy...you need to get off the computer and go to bed. This heat would not be helping either though. Everything suffers when you have no sleep. My DH is a bad sleeper(probably working rediculous hours for years) and his body clock is totally out of whack...it is best to stay away from him then.

Lindor...hope you are better now. Remember those times happen and it is just a part of the magical journey we are all on.

Me...back on track again. It is weigh in day tommorrow but not expecting great things this week after my days of badness last week. I have pulled my horns in and feel better for it. I wonder why i do it(porbably always will). Had my hair cut today and feel good tonight..its amazing what a snip will do for me. Anyhow must away and ring my mum..poor darlin had a colonoscopy today and polyps removed.

PS...Lake House is a good movie...Im a movie head and love to relax over a good one....just what you need Kathy...you may even doze off later..hope so.

I rarely get emotionally unglued - I'm tough (at least I like to think so), strong and mostly very grounded. But I need to ramble for a bit because I am rather unglued right now, and as tired as I am I can't sleep.

Nobody needs to read this - but somewhere in this sordid little tale lies a big key to my weight issues, and I feel like I need to write it.

It would take a novel to tell you my family history. Am I a good enough writer to summarize it into a paragraph? I doubt it:

Born to a schizophrenic mother (father left when she was 8 months pregnant with me). Four older siblings. My birth brings on a schiz episode: mother put in mental hospital/kids in an orphanage. A year goes by - I'm fostered out. Don't see the siblings for 35 years. Never see mother again until the day before her funeral.

But the fostering is arranged. Unknown to me, my adoptive family are known to grandparents. Various members of family keep coming in and out of my life - but I am unaware of the connection. Then they tell me bits - but refuse to allow me to know my mother. Or siblings.

I spend many years looking. So does my mother. These people who stand between us decide we shouldn't know each other. But we both keep looking anyway. Then one day these people phone me: We have good news and bad news. The good news is we've found your brothers and sisters. The bad news is your mother's dead. So I eventually do find her - in a coffin.

Siblings embrace me. They have some memory of me as a baby, and know where I fit. I don't remember them, but I look like a twin of my elder sister - that freaks me out. I have spent a lifetime not vaguely looking like anyone. This is surreal. I keep in touch for a couple of years - but they're in Queensland and it gets too hard.

Today my sister called me after six years. I'm thrilled to hear from her, but realise how hard I have pushed them away. She tells me stories about my mother, about the way that woman loved me and grieved for me – and straightens out some of the lies I've been told about myself over the years.

I'm really sad. And I'm really bloody angry that people kept me away from my mother until it was too late. Can you imagine what it's like to meet your mother when she's lying in a funeral home?

I think what got to me the most today was when I was telling my sister something that had happened, and she laughed and said: "You are SO your mother's daughter". Really? How the bloody **** would I know?

Do you suppose it's a coincidence that I put all this weight on after my mother died? And I never made that connection until just now.

----

I just read what I wrote, and my first instinct was to delete it. But then I thought no, I need to be brave and let people into my life a little bit more. I need to learn that people won't always judge me or reject me just for being vulnerable.

I'm sorry for rambling about this. It's late, I'm very tired - but if you took the time to read through this, thank you for listening. I haven't talked about this for years, and I didn't realise how much it still affects me.

Ani, that was very brave of you to share all of that. I'm sure that most of us have various events that have contributed to where we are today; recognising that has to be a good first step to moving through it and getting healthy in both body and mind.

I have had low self esteem for years and not much love for myself. I'm working on that and as I begin to like myself more, I make more positive decisions in the way I treat myself - cutting down on alcohol, eating well and exercising regularly being a few. That in turn makes me feel proud of myself and therefore boosts my self esteem! It's not always easy making good decisions though and we will all stumble occasionally.

My personal trainer called in sick last night so I went for a half hour walk outside instead and will do the same tonight but try to make it a bit longer.

Keep it up everyone

Ani

I know how hard that must have been to post. I am similar in that I show myself as being in control and being able to handle most situations, when the truth is I am just trying to cover what is really going on.

I can see also how it would contribute to where you are today. See, I believe weight issues are just a symptom to more serious conditions, be it physical or emotional. I believe my weight issues are a result of my up bringing and events of the past too.

Ani, you know how to contact me if you think writing more would help. I might not be able to offer much in the way of advice or solutions, but I can listen. And sometimes just putting these things in written words can help to clear them up in your mind too

So much has been happening on here lately. I really should try and get on here regularly.

After a shocker of a weekend I've managed to keep on track for the last three days, and its showed on the scales. On Monday morning I weighed in at 94kg but today I'm back down to 91.6kg. Don't ask me how it happened but it has! Just goes to show that putting a bit of effort in does actually work! I feel like I'm finally getting myself back on track after all this time.

Been going to the gym regularly again so thats a big help too. And I'm trying not to focus everything on losing weight. I'm trying hard to keep a healthy attitude toward all of this.

Hugs for you Ani, I can certainly feel your pain that you are so obviously feeling. But you have taken the first of many steps in overcoming this, which will be many, but you've taken the frist. Follow your intuition to see what to do next. We are all here for you.

I slept last night, I went to the chemist and got some Restavit,(sp?) and took 1 only. I woke up feeling rested and refreshed. But then I decided to go back to sleep so now I feel cloudy and tired. Silly me. But I did appreciate the sleep strange dreams and all. a huge amount of strange dreams, I was polly pocket in one, and being kidnapped by a mafia boss in another. Very strange. I'm sure they aren't the only dreams too.

Today I'm doing some washing, I've missed the time for exercise its too hot already here, and after lunch I'm going to watch the Lake House. I'm looking forward to that.

the nausea is gone, thank goodness, it ended up puting me to bed at 8.30 last night, but i feel better now.

Catch you soon.

Kathhy

Hey all

Firstly Ani i hope that you feel a lot better for venting some of your emotions you have obviously been holding onto for such a long time. Your story gave me tingles and i sincerely hope that you can come to some form of emotional stability with your siblings and of course your mother. Do you still speak to any your siblings? You do know that you can let us in here. We all listen(or read) and all have stories that have contributed to our "issues" beit with weight or otherwise. It takes a big woman(no i don't mean that litterally) to see the reasons for our issues and maybe that was your revalation last night albeit in the midst of severe tiredness and sleep deprivation. I feel for you and really hope you can come to some sort of peace within yourself. I am your friend and will listen...let us in Ani if that helps

I too have issues(some of which i know and others are still a mystery why i do some things). I am a lucky woman who has a wonderful husband who puts up with a lot. He seems to ground me and will let me be who i am and love me unconditionally...fats, warts and all.....do you have someone in your life Ani you are close to?

I weighed in today and gained 0.3kg this week. Yes i know not much but still in the wrong direction. I am not stressing about it though as life is too short and its not all about weight loss either. This week will be better i am sure. We all need to be kind to ourselves as sometimes we are not and beat ourselves up over nothing at times. So saying all that...i hope we all have a better week this week....get lots of sleep(Ani and Kathy), exercise some, eat well, drink our water(Ani the camel) and love ourselves for who we are and thats that..... to allxxxleeny

Hey everyone,

I don't know what to say - I feel overwhelmed by your support and kindness, and I just don't have enough words to tell you what it means to me.

I've had a pretty low-energy day today. And I realised that what I wrote last night was the first time I had told that story on its own. There's more, you see - and on the rare occasions when I tell it, I lump everything in together.

Just 6 weeks after my mother died, and all the surreal reunion stuff happened, an uncle from my adoptive family died. Then six weeks later my adoptive dad died. He was the most wonderful human being I ever knew - and I was shattered.

And I'm just telling you this now to explain something. When all that happened I was completely overwhelmed, and I don't think I was ever able to separate each of those losses, and deal with them on their own.

I knew that not only had the landscape of my life changed, but the very foundations felt different. And I shut down emotionally - it was the only way I could cope.

I don't believe the universe throws any more at us than it knows we can deal with, and I have to trust that I'm strong enough, brave enough - all those things!

I feel very uplifted and inspired by your support. I won't keep going on about this - but you women are my friends, and you make me feel very humble.

Now I'm off to fill my water bottle before I have to confess to leeny that I've eaten poorly and hardly drunk any water today.

:-)
Ani

Ani, I have to join everyone else in thanking you for your honesty. We all have our own issues, and I truly believe we won't be successful with permanent weight loss until we learn to turn around and face them.

You deserve to be happy, and you will be. I hope you believe that.

Today was a good day, hung out with friends, didn't spot the boss, went to orienteering, and had a lovely steamed chicken and veggie dinner. Received my first DVDs from an online service I joined (got some Pilates ones to try out) so my extra workouts for the weekend are organised. Also completed Week 2 Day 1 of the C25K last night, although my shin splints are telling me all about it today - think I need to space the runs out more than 2 days.

Got to hit the sack soon, as my new washing machine (hallelujah!) is being delivered 630-830 in the morning (ugh).

Ani, the fact that you have taken the steps to open up and talk about these events shows that you have the strength and that you are brave enough! You are dealing with this head on by talking about it and not continually hiding it!

I hope by facing this, and being open with it, you are able to find some kind solution to help get past it once and for all

And maybe I can learn from you too



Anyway, I am using this as a distraction, hoping I won't have to post about todays dieting efforts.

Fact is, the consecutive bad days are fast catching up to my seven consecutive good days. It's been three days now. I've eaten with no regard to calorie intake. I have ignored my water and tonight I even avoided my step-ups.

Not making for a good week is it? And you know what...as I write this I am sitting here shrugging my shoulders as if I really don't care! What is it with me? Either I want this or I don't!!

I will see what tomorrow brings.

'Night ladies

Of course you want it, Lindor. Be kind to yourself, it can't always be dedication every day. What makes this a struggle is deciding every day to keep going, even when you don't feel in the slightest like it. I really find planning my week essential - if I had to think too much about it, I'd never stay on track. Just last night I got home late, hungry and stopped at the 7-11 downstairs and had a frozen meal in my hands.. then I realised I had chicken and veggies in the fridge and it would be yummier.

Take your days to relax, and then make a plan for next week. You can do it!

I've been ignoring my healthy lifestyle goals for a few days (as you probably all know), and I thank you all again for being so kind and supportive of me.

It's time to get back on track and try to learn from all this - and to incorporate it into my new life. So, I am going to work hard from now until weigh-in on Monday - just to get myself back on track.

Today I plan to walk (even if it's for half an hour), and to eat healthy food. I'm going to write in my journal - and drink lots of water.

It's TOM again - but who can complain? This time around I went for 11 days before it found me :-).

Good luck with the rest of the week everyone. I hope my self-indulgence hasn't been too distracting.

:-)
Ani

Thanks for the welcome back ladies!

Ani, wow. I dont think that I really have words....good girl for posting and not deleting. I guess one of the biggest mottos of my life has been that no matter where you have come from and what you have had to go through, its your choice on how you live your future. Coming from a broken home (parents divorced, yada, yada, yada), it was easy to get caught up in the devastation of it all, until I realised it was MY choice how I reacted to it. I could go on being bitter at my parents for not being mature enough to realise there was a child involved (ME!), or I could choose to accept what had happened and move on. I, in no way, am giving you advice because this journey of healing and breakthrough is yours alone, and only you really know what needs to be done in that area, but that was my journey....Needless to say, like the others have said, we are here to open up to. Sometimes a "faceless" group of people is the perfect starting block.

Anyway...

How is everyone? Hoping you are having a great day! Day 2 of low-GI and I feel horrible! Its the whole "detoxing" thing that sucks. I would love to kind of just make lifestyle changes slowly and incorporate good things to replace the bad. Unfortunately, however, with this type of "issue", in order to really see any results at all, I have to be all or nothing. So, except for a couple of Weetbix in the morning, I have no grain or wheat products at all. I live on veggies, fruit and meat. I cant BELIEVE how much it costs to support this on a weekly basis! Im not exactly sure how we are going to be able to afford all of this.... <sigh> Im taking literally about 30 pills a day in the form of supplements and vitamins - all things that will help regulate my insulin levels without having to go on full medication. The treatment for PCOS is usually weight loss, but one of the symptoms is the inability to lose weight...nice vicious circle. Anyway, enough whining! Sorry to ramble on...just annoyed because I have a headache and am hungry, etc. DH and I will be walking with Carter in the mornings before he goes to work now so it keeps me accountable and keeps us from dying of heat exhaustion later in the day!

Ani, am jealous you have period!! I have to induce mine again since I didnt ovulate this last month with fertility drugs. Have you always had short cycles?

Have a good day girls. Sorry for the novel!

Britt
xxxx

Sounds like your feeling a little better today Ani. Its good to unburden yourself occasionally and everyone's entitled to a little self indulgence every once in a while. We're all here for the same reason but we're all dealing with a whole range of issues and getting to the bottom of them is a very difficult thing to do.

Britt. Good to see you back! Just think in a few more days you'll be feeling really good! It'll be all worthwhile and hopefully the end result wont only be weight loss but a baby too.

Lindor. You sound like your feeling a bit depressed. Remember where you've come from. When the time is right you'll get back to it.

Me, I'm doing really well at the moment. Have been sticking to the healthy eating for the last 4 days, been to the gym every day and have had more than enough water! I can't believe how much of a difference in myself I've noticed since the kids went back to school! I've got my routine back! Don't get me wrong, I really miss them when they're not around, and I love them to death its just a little easier to have a game plan and stick to it.

XX
Barb

Hey all

Ani...hope you are feeling better today and that telling your story has helped in some way(even if only small). Yes I am your friend too and will always read your "ramblings". AS someone said the "faceless" us might be the best way to start healing your emotions. Please don't let your emotions hinder your success in your weight loss journey as you are doing so well. You always seem to be the one with"the right attitude" towards this journey...you have inspired me and i always look forward to reading your posts daily...for that i thank you.

Lindor...what is happening?????Has something thrown you. You were doing well getting back on track after your hols. Are you bored with your diet? I know i went through that all last year. I tried and tried to get back into it....too many things just threw me constatly. It was like any little thing would be my excuse to "derail".When i lost my bulk of my weight the year before it was like i was heading towards a new me and couldn't wait to look and feel better. That urge has gone...maybe because i do look and feel better(even though i could look heaps more betterer(if thats a word)!!!Its like i am not as desperate anymore...maybe thats what is happening to you. Dieting is boring and monotunous at times but we have to get our head in the space that "it is a lifestyle" change for the better and not just a chore.

The rest of us seem to be doing OK this week. Sometimes weeks are easier than others and other times it doesn't matter how hard we try...the diet is not easy. I think it is all part of the journey we are on and part of the experience we must endure.

I went shopping today with my mum and bought some nice things....i am in a good mood....i love shopping. Can't really afford much at the moment with textbooks to buy for Uni. I stuck to plan and had a yummy salad for lunch and lots of walking around the Plaza. So overall a good day for me. My kids are back at school(yes Barb...i love mine too but gee it is nice to get back into some form of normalcy again).

Anyhow guys, must go and wash up the dishes...chores...gee i love them..no fairies at my house i bet...will check in tommorow and see if you are feeling better Ani.