HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOT!!

Hope it's a good one!
Well, I'm very ashamed to say that I'm back up to 175!!!! Just couldn't keep control over the weekend ... we were out for hubby's secretary's leaving 'do' on Friday night (she's off to travel around Australia for 12 months), and at our friends for a BBQ on Saturday ... unfortunately, the willpower was non-existant!!

I'm trying to pull myself back on track this week and I'm writing all my cals down again ... although I am finding it difficult. I was desperately trying to find something in my wardrobe to wear for both occasions ... something that I could actually fasten myself into!! But nothing in my wardrobe fits!! I'm even having problems finding clothes that fit to go to work in each day (seem to be rotating the same couple of pairs of trousers and sweaters ... wash 'n' wear, wash 'n' wear!!).
Looking back over the past 12months, I've probably gained around 10-14lbs!! ... No wonder nothing fits!! I was all set to go off to the Marks and Spencer sales to buy new clothes to fit me, then I thought ... What the **** am I doing?! ... if I do that, it's just another excuse for not bothering to lose weight!! I know it's possible ... I just don't know why I can't do it. I mean, it's not as though I'm not bothered about the way I look ... I HATE the way I look!! ... I could cry when I look at myself in the mirror ... How did this happen to me????? And it's not as though I haven't got any incentives ... Summer's just around the corner (believe it or not!!) and I so much DON'T want to spend another summer like the last X amount of years. I've got a skinny friend visiting in the summer hols and I will positively die of shame if she see's me this fat!! Nick is being supportive, he's also doing well at losing weight, so why can't I do the same?
It really struck home last night when my son, Tom, was talking to one of his friends on MSN ... they made some jokey comment about me being FAT!! ... Tom thought it was hilarious, but although I laughed about it at the time (and typed a sarcastic reply back to his friend!) it really got to me, as it's made me realize that's how others see me ... FAT! Sometimes, when I see a fat woman, I find myself thinking, "What a terrible state she looks!" or, "How could she let herself get like that!" It's so easy to kid yourself into thinking that you're not really as FAT as you are, but when you know how others see you it becomes reality. Perhaps Tom's friend has done me a favour ... I hope I can thank him in a few months time
Well girls, sorry about all the moaning ... but thanks for listening!
Nichola