Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and the arrangement, which I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry if this runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact
8. To return to the main menu and listen to Options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or enquiry. The Contact will them be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play the duration of the call. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from “The Best of Woody Guthrie”:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for”
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Enquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year.
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local
racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom. It
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
one - holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow
away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No,ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver
Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think
about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand politics now."
The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. Meanwhile the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Sh*t."
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The
instructor was not sure. So for fun she split the class into two groups, by gender and asked each group to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The male group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
(1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
(2) The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
(3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible future retrieval, and
(4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your salary on accessories for it.
The female group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine because:
(1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
(2) They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
(3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
(4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited
a little bit longer, you could have gotten a better model
LOL - personally I think computers are female.... they are logical, do what is required 99.9% of the time, don't seem to require any rest and can handle several tasks simultaneously....
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like.
THE HORSE RACE
The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
in lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push.Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up,and Clean Sheets never had a chance
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life
in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And my personal favorite.....
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends
and those who might need a good laugh!
Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the **** happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin
A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . . and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I think---therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has
reached the million-pound question.
Chris Tarrant says, "Right, Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it:
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole, or
d) a cuckoo?"
Fergie ponders for a while, then says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Chris says, "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with."
'Badger' and 'cuckoo' are the two remaining answers. Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No,Chris,I'm still not sure. I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris.
"Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".
"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Fergie.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a
badger.
"Final answer?"
"Final answer."
"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one
million pounds!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that
was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving You a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.
"Oh, I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."
On the subject of Computers. English it is too hard to learn
strong woman
