Lighthearted Thread
 

Hi all.

What do you think of having a lighthearted thread where we can post a few jokes... let's lighten up a little..!!!

Jano :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here's one to start with
 

"80 Year Old Confession"

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"


:lol: :lol: :lol:

I think that is the best idea yet. Laughter is the best medicine so I am told and some bright person once told me to create a smile takes 30 movements of the facial muscles - to frown only takes five. All that exercise must be good for you
:lol:
Have a great day!!

Good one Jano!
Funnily enough the name of my slimming club is 'Lighten Up!'

Come on... you all must know a joke or two
 

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir" says Jervaise the waiter
"Would you like to choose your squid from the
tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache"
says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite!
- He's so small cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?"

"No"says the customer "It's got to be that one".

So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts
him on the chopping block, raises his knife and the
little squid looks up and smiles,twitching his bushy
moustache into a big friendly grin.

"It's no good" says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough man - he'll be able to do the evil deed".

So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. He picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and once again, the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.

So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?


wait for it...


Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with
mild green hairy-lip squid.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

how broad can the jokes be !!! heres a not very funny one till i see how risque they get!!

Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek
Islands.
Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and
notices his Australian
accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At
the end of the
night
he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then
offers to pay
Her $200 for the deed.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short
of funds she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after
showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will
sleep with him again
for
$200.
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was
fantastic the
night
before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy
comes into the
bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits
in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should
pay him more
attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where
he is from and he
tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm
from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give
you!"
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

You will only get this if you are over a certain age...
 

Two old ladies living in a care home in America. Each night they go outside on to the porch to have a smoke.

One night it starts to rain a little. The one lady reaches into her handbag and gets out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her ciggy.

The other lady asks what it is. The first lady explains that it is a condom and it is very useful on nights like this as it keeps the ciggy dry. Hmmmm says the second lady and where do you get them from. The Chemist... came the reply.

So the 2nd lady, thinking what a good idea it was, goes to the chemist the next day and asks for a packet of condoms. The assistant looks quite shocked at the request from this old lady who is in the region of 80.

"Ok" says the assistant - "any particular type?"

"No" says the 2nd lady,


"as long as it fits a camel!!!!!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I know I'm going to regret this, it's tupid, but made me laugh....
Mumy potato is putting her 3 daughters to bed and she says to the first one
'who are you going to marry'
and the potato answers
'King Edward'
'very good darling, says mummy spud 'and how about you second daughter?'
'Oh any of the Jersey royals will do for me' says the girl potato.
'splendid dear' says Mum, and turns to her youngest daughter.
'And who will you marry?'
'Des Lynam, Mum'
The Mother falls over with shock and says 'No, you must not'
'Why Mum'
'Because he's only a common'tater '.


Ouch! Sorry.:dizzy:
Not putting my name to this..........

This is an oldie but I hope it gives you a giggle

Mammogram exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a total stranger into the room. Ask the stranger to press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
men?....and when we have real trouble, it's HYSterectomy!

Have a happy day

never a policeman around!!
 

going to bed the other night i noticed there were people in my garden shed stealing things.Iphoned the police but was told there were no officers in the area at that time to help , they would send someone over as soon as possible. i hung up , then a minute later i called them back...Hello i said i called you a minute ago about my shed being robbed, well you dont have to hurry now because ive shot them.........within minutes there were half a dozen police cars an armed response unit not to mention a police helicopter, they caught the burgalrs red handed..........one officer said i thought you said you shot them.i replied i thought you said you had no one available;)

That's the way to do it:joker:

IT IS A JOKE.......... I DIDNT DO IT PERSONALLY LOL:dizzy:

Yes I know:lol: :lol: :lol: