Hey man,

I have the exact same problem as you. Same age, sameish BMI, similar pattern of diet-binge-diet-binge. My binges are similar to yours - I live alone and can go to the store at any hour to buy a bunch of crap, my urges last until I give in, etc. My binges are usually 7-14 days apart and I can't pinpoint any triggers either.

Let me know if you want or need someone to talk to about this. It sounds like we could benefit from being accountability buddies. Or at the very least, misery loves company.

I would love to have someone else to talk with this about. Unfortunately I do not have access yet to send PM's..I don't know how many posts I need?

Look, at this point of doing this for almost two years, all I can say is this is all I know. I started dating this girl who I really liked. I almost feel as if I loved her. We broke up, I became depressed. I started working out a lot and dieting down to lose a ton of weight to "rebel" against myself. I then started to engage in binging habits which made me feel good and I used to replace "love" and her in my life. Okay, so it bothered me a lot we broke up and essentially is what lead me off to losing weight/binging, but two years have passed, I've recognized this is what started it all, and none of the above even matters/bothers me anymore.

So let me put this bluntly. If I knew what was causing this, it would give me total control over the situation. The fact that I do not know why I am binge eating is the main reason I am still engaging in the behavior. I am unconsciously binge eating probably because I am confused as to why I am doing it to begin with. Eating seems to give me a sense of control in the moment and relaxes me still I am so stressed and confused as to why I am doing this. So I get confused in the moment, I feel as if I am unable to control the situation in any other manner besides eating, and I give in.

With that being said, this is the most realistic explanation I have at this point. It is something I can accept and something I can use as a means to combat this problem.

And that is, I am a food addict. Just like someone who smokes and repeatedly does so, their body gets used to the nicotine and they are unable to give it up without suffering withdrawal. They constantly think about smoking, putting a cigarette in their mouth. Replace nicotine with sugar and cigarette/smoking with food and you have my problem. This seems to be the most realistic answer to me. I started binging because I became depressed and broke up with my girlfriend. It made me feel good and replaced the feelings of love and her in my life. Unfortunately by time I realized this it was too late and my brain literally became addicted to it. The only way to stop is to fight the cravings through time, and with the support of others (in my case, my friend).

So instead of me waisting time trying to figure out why I'm binging - I already know it's the addictive process that's causing it. The addictive process is tricking me into thinking there's still a root cause when really, I've figured out the root cause a long time ago - I was eating to fill void of love and relationship. Unfortunately though, by time I realize that it was too late, and even a deeper root cause still exists - the addiction itself. I have repetitively engaged in this process over and over and most likely my brain circuitry is wired to want this. Even though I am staying with someone this week, I can guarantee you I will experience withdrawal in a few days. I will want to binge in a few days and I will find ways to convince myself of doing it. It always works this way. Praise be to God though, because I now have someone else to assist me in the fight against the urges. That means I am not trapped at home by myself with all my emotions and I feel as if the chances are now high of me finally beating a craving.

I believe in my heart that I can beat this. However, I can't beat it on my own, I'll admit that. That's why I am praying and staying with someone for now. I have already outlined the week because it's all too familiar. Going to have a few good days and the cravings will unexpectedly kick in. They may not even be triggered, but once they do - fatigue, no energy, and the worst - poor mental judgment and anxiety will follow. It's at that point I've always lost it, but now it's different - I'll be coming home to someone I can say "help" to.

Have you looked into overeaters anonymous? or food addicts anonymous? You would have a network of people to say help to

I 100% intend to join OA when I move back to the U.S. - I think relinquishing control to kindred souls will do wonders. I can't pinpoint triggers or find any logical cause for my binging either, but if I am held accountable to someone else it doesn't matter WHY - it only matters that I don't do it.

krampus- they have online meetings and phone meetings too!

This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope staying with your friend will help you overcome this obstacle. Good luck.

Hello,

This doesn't seem real, and I don't really know how to explain my emotions right now.

I went to my therapist last night and I was just throwing things out there. I was asking him why this is happening? I told him I have tried to think of any potential issue that would be causing this and there doesn't seem to be anything. I started back tracking to when this all began.

It started when I was dating this girl and we broke up. I felt very upset and empty inside. The thing was, I really liked her, and when I was with her - I felt something I have never truly felt before. I could not put words with it, but it felt good. After we broke up, I started exercising a lot and losing weight which made me feel good. Then I started binging, and looking back - binging was great the first time I did it, and it created that feeling I felt with her. I kept binging and I was never able to stop myself. And it makes me sense - I needed to keep binging more and more to try and recreate that original feeling it first gave me. But I never was able to recreate it again.

And after spending over an hour with my therapist - that feeling I experienced was love. And then he had asked me "-----, do you love yourself?" to which I paused for 5 minutes and broke down in tears. I could not stop crying. After my session, I immediately went to my mom and was crying. She was hugging me, telling me to let it out, to which I cried more and more. It makes sense. I truly believe God made me go to my mom last night and cry to release the pain inside to my mom because she is a source of love.

The truth is, I do not love myself. I am unable to create the feeling of love for myself. And I loved my ex-girlfriend, though I did not realize it at the time. And at one point, binging created the sense of love for me. But it only lasts so long till you need to do it more and more - just like drugs. I was binge eating to achieve that feeling of love it provided me the first time I did it. But just like drugs, that feeling only lasts so long until it is completely unattainable. Had I not realized this last night, I don't know if I could have ever stopped.

Last night, my mom made me dinner. These past two years I have been in total control of my diet and obsessed with calories. Last night, I had my first meal in which I did not know the total calories in almost two years. I ate it slowly and it seemed unreal. I finally ate like a normal human for the first time in two years. I finally ate dinner without measuring calories or worrying about the ingredients. I also ate things I have avoided such as a side of pudding.

I have a long way to go, but I slept last night and had a dream that showed me binge eating and when I woke up, I felt back to normal. I suspect most likely that is my subconscious realising the binging thoughts from my body. As far as love, I do not know if it's possible for me to obtain that feeling of love for myself. I do not know because I have never been able to love myself. That glow, warm feeling in my body. But I do know one thing - food will never be able to provide that again. I will never binge eat again because I now know why I was doing it. And this time, it seems real when I say that. I woke up this morning with "pressure" off my chest. That heavy feeling of "something's wrong" no longer lingers. I am now free from binging.

I have been crying a lot today, even when I was working out. I was lifting weights and thinking about my mom who was there for me last night and I started to cry. She loves me and that makes me feel good. I don't know how I let this get out of control, but things seem to be okay right now. I suspect the crying will eventually fade off and is just a release of emotions I have had these past two years. I still feel that emptiness inside of me though. Before I would have said it's ben and jerry's missing, but now I can truly say it's love that's missing.

Now I have to work on the steps with my therapist, mom, and most importantly myself to learn how to love myself. So instead of spending hours on google searching how to stop binge eating, I will now address the real issue - how to love myself. I have been so desperate for a girlfriend and a relationship these past two years. I never knew why I wanted a girlfriend and a relationship either, but I just did. Now it makes sense. I wanted another girlfriend hoping I could love her and she could provide that for me. It's odd because I started dating a girl a while ago and my binging calmed down when we were dating. But once things went haywire in our dating, I went straight back to binging. It makes sense now.

Sorry this was so long.

buildx87 - I am SO GLAD to hear you were able to make some headway in figuring out the root of your binging. While it's hardly good news that you realized you do not love yourself, it is great that you had a normal meal with your mother and have been coming to terms with the huge emotional impact of all this. Keep us updated on your progress! I hope I can find some answers too

I suspect it will be a long road for me, but I want to recover as soon as possible. I am 24 years old and I want to start living life now. I don't know how to explain my feelings right now - but unfortunately they aren't all that great. If I could label one word on my thoughts - I would say "disturbed". I am disturbed and distraught about this behavior I have be doing for the past two years. Not just that but for a while I was also drinking with my friends a lot (I no longer drink) and was going to the bars like a maniac.

I really miss my old self. While I can see myself peaking through now that I have a grasp on what's caused this, it's going to be hard for me. There was one point in life when I can actually say I truly loved myself. I was in technical school, I had great friends, I was involved with the school, I was playing video games all the time. Life was great.

Then I slipped off the deep end. I experienced love for the first time in my life (and she was also my first girlfriend) and I can tell you, love is a powerful thing. After we broke up, my life went downhill. I became depressed, lost way too much weight, and was chasing that feeling of love like no other. I binged the first few times and it gave me a feeling of love. That comforting feeling in your chest is what I am talking about. When I binged I felt that. But after doing it for so long that feeling fades and you are constantly chasing it which is probably why I was suffering cravings, and why my binges were getting bigger and bigger. It's like drugs. It takes a shot of heroin the first time then you are constantly chasing it unable to replay that first experience. Even typing this makes me feel distraught, but at least it makes sense that's what happened.

My first step is to get my life back together. I am going to work with my therapist of course, but I do not know what to do. I feel like I am back to normal but I have no sense of who I am or what happened.

You know, and something else happened last night I thought was crazy.

We were looking through old pictures and there were a ton of pictures with me when I was 220 lbs. And you know what? I saw those pictures last night, and I thought to myself "Holy cow..I look good!". But right now, I'm 185 and I see myself fat and overweight. The truth is, I looked good at 220 lbs because LIFE was good! And when I was 220 lbs, I honestly never cared about my weight or looks. I had a great life so I perceived myself as good.

This just proves a point. Weight loss will not equal happiness in life. In fact, my life hit the lowest point when I lost weight and got obsessed with counting calories, exercise, and all that. And we also looked back at pictures when I was my lowest weight - around 165. And my thoughts? Horrible. I looked dead. Too thin, looked sick - yet at that time I looked in the mirror and thought I was obese!

I am 185 pounds right now and perceive myself as a little fat, yet at 220 I never insulted myself or thought I was fat. But that's only because life was great, so I thought the same about myself. And if I had to date the current me or the me at 220, it would be the guy at 220. I'm sitting here about to do my 1 hour cardio in hopes to burn calories and weight but then I just thought - why? I looked good at 220 and that was nearly 40 pounds HEAVIER! So, chances are I look good RIGHT NOW!! I'm going to workout, but not for an hour. Like, a half hour instead. It's funny because I have always been trying to lose weight. But why I asked myself last night after looking at those pictures?

I was always wanting to lose weight because I thought it would equal happiness in life. That is not true at all. Happiness comes from within. You can be 165 pounds, rail thin and be depressed and have nights you lay in bed contemplating your life just as I did or you can be 220 lbs and be happy as **** and have everything you want.

So I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish in my life right now. Getting my apartment together, going to church, volunteer work, and many others. Once those are accomplished or being worked on, I will slowly start to love myself and feel good. I will feel good about myself ONLY if my life is good. I will NEVER feel happy based on my weight. Weight is just a number. And what's worse is even if I do lose 20 pounds and go back to looking like a near dead man - I won't see it. The mind is a dangerous thing. I am 6 ft 185 lbs and that is a healthy weight. But my life in general is not. That's what needs worked on - my life. That'll make me happy, and who knows - maybe the self image distortion will stop. But as far as my weight making me happy...my weight will not.

Hey buildx87,

Please don't take this as discounting the very real emotional distress you experience because of (and preceding) the binges...but (and frankly I'm REALLY surprised that no one has mentioned this) -- is it possible that along with the emotional triggers, you're just not eating enough calories for your body? Men have higher muscle mass than women. As an active man who weighs 185 (which sounds like a healthy weight you'd like to maintain?), I'd expect you to need 2,000 calories at the very least. You mention being fatigued and ravenous after work...that happens to me all the time when I don't eat enough throughout the day. You can dive into the emotional aspects of this all you want, but it won't do you much good if you're not giving your body the baseline nutrition it needs to function.

The meal with your mom sounds like a great start Best of luck!

EDITED TO ADD: Whoops, I just re-read your original post; you say you tried upping your calories and still binged? How long did you try this for? I would expect it to take a while for your body to adjust and realize it was going to be getting sufficient nutrition.
According to the Mayo Clinic calorie calculator, a 185-lb., 6' active male needs approx. 2850 calories per day to maintain his weight.

buildx, that list of accomplishments is such a good idea. Getting non-food/weight related aspects of your life together and organized always brightens moods, and going to church and helping people through volunteer work etc helps you realize just how trivial a few "extra" pounds really is.

As for love...I hear you on that. I was quite young when I felt what you described, and it had a huge impact on my weight/body image as well as affecting pretty much every other area in your life. I have not and will not allow myself to become that wrapped up in someone else ever again. It's just not right for my mental health. I am happily in love again, and things are great but I know if we broke up tomorrow I wouldn't fall apart because I put myself first and protect my feelings.

I am on Day 4 so far of feeling better. I am still suffering from some disturbances here and there. I don't know if it's post trauma syndrome, but I am mostly bothered by the fact that this all happened. Like, last night I stayed up and was just thinking about everything that has happened these past two years. It doesn't seem real and it does not seem like it was me doing it - which is essentially true, it was the eating disorder and depression controlling my life. My life has essentially changed in four days.

I feel happy this week, and truly believe I was saved by my mom and therapist. I have not experienced cravings and I have no counted calories in the past 4 days. It is a little difficult but I am learning how to eat normal again. After two years of being obsessive with measuring cups and calories it is not easy to do this, but I am doing good so far.

I feel a little overwhelmed, but I will be okay. I have a lot of things I want to do right now. Cleaning my apartment, volunteer work, getting my feelings/emotions back together, start dating down the road. It will take time. And notice weight loss is not on that list. That is no longer a goal of mine. The only goal I have is to eat when hungry and workout three times per week. I was going five times per week for hour and a half when the ED was controlling me, but not anymore.

Buildx, I just thought I would chime in here as your story sounds similar to mine. I'm 25 ad have struggled with emotional eating and suger addiction since I was a child. Based on your description of your binges I would say your "carb additct" assesment is bang on. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to help you recover.

What has really helped me is the realization that there are so many much more important things in my life then food. In order to enjoy those things I need to be healthy. I too have stoped focusing on the calories and started focusing on what is going to create a healthy life for me and my family.

Your binging problem sounds a LOT like mine. I also initially binged as a way to cope, but now, i'm perfectly happy, and i still binge. I had the same problem as you. Reduce calories? Caused binging. Increasing calories? Still binged. I finally gave up calorie counting altogether, and that was the only thing that could stop the binging--because even if i allowed myself to eat 3000 calories a day, i still binged! It was like ANY kind of control caused me to go crazy and binge.

I would not say i am RID of my binging problem, by any means, but it only happens when i try to restrict calories or i'm going through a stressful time. I would say that part of your binging problem is because you're at a lower weight compared to what your body is used to. Your body wants to get back to that weight. That is not to say your binging is not also caused my emotions, stress, etc. But these things are all combining to make your binging problem worse.

I don't know what the solution is. For now, i have decided to stop fighting my weight. So i'm up to 155.5 pounds this morning I wish i could lose 10 pounds, but i don't know if it's worth the whole eating-disorder-binging-obsessing with food thing.