(now that I'm reading back) my hubby is insanely allergic to cats. I use to sleep with my cat and he was miserable but never said much. He loves me Now I sleep with my baby so he doesn't itch now
If you want your dogs, I'd tell him very calmly and very simply, "The dogs are mine. I am not getting rid of them. Period." and let him go if he can't handle sharing you.
Back when I still lived with my dad and was dating my ex, I had a cat. My ex actually liked the cat at least, but when we talked about moving into an apartment together his parents wanted to pay for the first month and get us started on a lease as a gift.
The only thing was that his mother made it very clear they weren't willing to look around specifically for a for an apartment that allowed pets since she reasoned they were likely to cost extra, so if the place "we" (or rather, she) picked out wouldn't allow my cat I was SOL. And at the same time my dad insisted that whenever I moved out, my cat had to go with me (didn't blame him there) so if things went in that direction I was expected to have to find a new home for him (I wanted to keep my cat regardless so that was something I obviously didn't want to do).
I was a bit shocked, not realizing that wanting to keep my cat would even be an issue. And when I tried to talk it over with him, he'd just shrug it off and say we had to do whatever his mom wanted and insist that we couldn't afford to go against her wishes. It was my first boyfriend; I was naive and overly eager to smooth things out between everyone, plus I was guilted into thinking that I was being selfish for even suggesting that my "stupid little cat" was more important than a negligible amount of money. I don't even know why I didn't think about how awful it was that he was willing to let his mother specifically pick out where I was going to live and expected me to be ok with not having any say in it.
My cat ended up disappearing before I moved out, and the apartment we moved into allowed pets so it became a non-issue. Just . . . don't let him guilt you into thinking something similar, that you're selfish for wanting your dogs. You're not.
Oh, and my ex eventually became an ex because . . . well, he was a jerk, lol. The whole issue about me wanting to keep my cat vs. him keeping his mom happy/wanting her money was only the tip of the iceberg and a sign of many dreaded things to come. Just about anything I cared about didn't matter if it was something his mom disagreed with (and she lived two hours away!).
Although your situation isn't quite the same as mine was, looking back there was definitely a control issue, and I was stupid for letting his mother's opinions be more important to him than mine. But what I'm certain of about your situation is that this is about much more than just the dogs to your boyfriend; once again it's a control issue. I find it really sad that he's using your dogs as an ultimatum, especially since he's already owned large dogs himself. I'm even willing to bet that he's jealous of the time and attention you give them, especially since he made that remark about not wanting "some other man's dogs." I'm sure you've been considerate and accommodating to his wants and needs in the relationship, but do you think he's being considerate of yours?
Last edited by Elladorine; 06-15-2010 at 10:59 AM.
Just to add on a pessimistic note.. some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy. I'm guilty of doing that stuff
That's a good point. I never thought of that.
Crystal - Yeah I don't think they like him anymore now that they're seeing their mama stressed out from all this.
Serendipity - Thank you.
Sirenity - Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry about your cat disappearing. It made me so sad when I read that. It's awful how people can't understand that your pets aren't just "some" animals but that they're a part of your life.
some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy
I think this needs repeating. If he wanted to make it work with you, he would have said - I know you love your dogs and they make you happy. I have a problem with their behavior and I don't like the smell. Can we work on this? Then perhaps you could have discussed behavior and training classes, his contributing to getting them to the groomer more often, keeping them out of some rooms and off the furniture, etc. He would look for ways to make it work. The "some other man's dogs" thing just stinks of ego and bad attitude.
You wonder if it's crazy for you to choose your dogs over him, it's equally...well, it says just as much that he's willing to break it off over the same thing. You're not willing to get rid of the dogs (which I am so with you on that one, I'm a dog person but ONE in the house is my limit so I get that three big inside dogs might be much for some people) to be with him, he IS willing to try to make you get rid of three creatures you love. I'm guessing you guys just aren't meant to be. And that's fine. Some relationships are just for a while and that's ok. It doesn't make either of you bad people to decide to end it.
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....
MissNibs
I'd respectfully disagree for multiple reasons. Not everyone wants to get married and not everyone can get married. I think if you are in a loving relationship and you want to live with someone then I think you should.
I am married now but it wasn't until after I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) that I decided I wanted to get married.
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....
MissNibs
I am unsure what a legal document that has it's origins in an outdated patriarchal system has to do with self respect. So, are you saying that people who live together instead of getting married for various financial reasons don't respect themselves? That homosexual couples that live together in places where they are not yet allowed to get married don't respect themselves? That polyamorous partners who are unable to marry for legal reasons, but want to live together don't respect themselves? How does one silly little document relate to self respect exactly?
IThat polyamorous partners who are unable to marry for legal reasons, but want to live together don't respect themselves? How does one silly little document relate to self respect exactly?
Polyamorous - not sure what that means.
Back to the subject at hand - I have to say that I HATE any animal that is untrained. I don't want to be jumped on by ANY dog. I don't want any cat jumping into my lap without my permission. I have a cat. I'm not much of a dog person. I do agree that dogs stink up the place, no matter how much you bathe them. I also feel that litter boxes can really stink up the place.
I had a dog. When my husband died, I moved us out of an apartment that they wanted to convert into condos and bought a house with a yard. There was an abandoned cat at the apartment. She moved with me. I took her, the neighborhood whore, to the vet to get her fixed and came home with a fixed cat and a fixed dog. My kids loved Heather. She was a sweet dog.
My kids, cats and dog were a package deal.
"Another man's dogs" is lame. This is the first of his "controlling" attributes. The dogs mean something to you, as they should. It is time to say, "Bye, Loser".
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....
MissNibs
This is an unecessary comment. Not everybody believes in marriage, it's not every woman's ultimate goal. You made a harsh judgement on this woman that she doesn't respect herself. You don't know anything about her, it just sounds like you don't respect her.
Imagine if you had three children, ages 8, 6, and 3. Imagine that you have primary custody of your children that you had with your ex because he moved overseas. Imagine if your boyfriend didn't want to move in with you because your children "stink up your place, they don't behave well, and I don't want some other man's [children]".
That would be SO wrong and unacceptable. So why does he think it's OK to say that about your dogs?
I say that he has to deal with it or else you're gone. We all have baggage; there is no such thing as a "clean slate."
I agree with this. I got my doggy before I moved in with my bf and had he told me my doggy couldn't move in as well...I woulda stayed where I was and kept my dog, for sure.
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....
MissNibs
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny
This is an unecessary comment. Not everybody believes in marriage, it's not every woman's ultimate goal. You made a harsh judgement on this woman that she doesn't respect herself. You don't know anything about her, it just sounds like you don't respect her.
I totally agree with you, Wannabeskinny. The comment seems rude and quite unnecessary, in my opinion.
I was married for 8 years and my husband passed in 1999. I now am living with my boyfriend. We don't even discuss marriage yet though we have been in a relationship for going on 7 years (5 long distance and 2 living together). Really all that is needless info My point is, I respect myself and I respect my boyfriend and our relationship. The end.
Last edited by Onederchic; 06-18-2010 at 10:09 PM.
I think the marriage licensing laws are incredibly silly. But au contraire (sp? ), EZ, I DO understand the argument for it. I just disagree.
Definitely time to get back on topic though, methinks.
Sounds like training courses would be a good idea. As well as reconsidering all aspects of the relationships involved. Either way you put it, something isn't working.
Now I sleep with my baby so he doesn't itch now
My point is, I respect myself and I respect my boyfriend and our relationship. The end.
