How to weigh yourself and get the most accurate result.
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES



Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the ****
happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut
her up with cookies.



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-




A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-



Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-



My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-



A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-



The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-



Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-



Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-



I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at
once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.

-Catherine-





I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-



If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-



I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-



When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country..

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.

-Gloria Steinem-



Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Those are so good, Ilene.

Aren't they great! AND OH so TRUE!!! They would be nothing without US !!

Cake Or Bed....

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts, "honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now" He Looks At Her And Says Angrily; "fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!" The Wife Asks, "well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right." To Which He Replied, "fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So." Fine, She Says, "then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?" They're About To Break." "i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says. "does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out. As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed. "honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?" She Said, "well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.he Offered To Do The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."

He Said, "so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?" She Replied, "hellooooo.......do You See Bettie Crocker Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JULY 30th. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 > > PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat > > and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel > > Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 > > PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, > > Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Ilene and Ellis, those are BOTH great!!!!!

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

I think I could benefit from this class.

... Those are great Ellis!!

Hannah -- Me TOO! But that's the only one, of course!!

Walk Behind Your Husband


Barbara Walters (20/20) did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years ago before the Afghan conflict. She highlighted
how women objected to the custom of having to walk about 5 paces
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still
walked behind their husbands, walked even further back, and
appeared pleased with the custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, "Why
do you now seem happy with this old custom that you tried so hard to
change?"

"Land mines." answered the Afghan woman.

I love the Cake one!

Solar

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.


9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..


6. Elvis is leaving the building.


5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.


3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with

Venus.



And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....



1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Funny!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHA you guys are SO funny!