Chris - Go eat something

I finally ate something. My sponsor is unamused Her advice is to start from now eating meals reguraly. I have fear of losing control for the millioneth time. I feel like a food failure. I suppose I can either trust HP with this one or I can't. I heard one lady say, if he can part the Red Sea why can't he just zap the fat off my ***. God knows we need the lessons in between. With everything I pick up God gives me a choice, now someone come and pound it in my head.

Chris

Chris, read your quote at the end of your post again. Starvation's not the way, but you know that already. Damn, if it were only that simple!

I am quite familiar with that feeling you describe of being afraid to eat. It's lead to some of my worst disordered episodes. Please be careful. We love you!

We're going away for a long weekend with friends. I'll check in at the beginning of next week.

(((hugs))) to you all.

Jenelle-As my sponsor says,"Go gently" Trying my hardest, but I got some uncool tapes playing in my head.

Kat-Have a nice weekend

Chris

Wow, I just read the scariest post over on the WLS board. This poor woman is having some complications from her gastric bypass, to include (a) ending up with a 14" incision instead of a smaller laproscopic incision, (b) having withdrawals from the pain drugs and being in severe pain at the same time, (c) not being able to keep even water down, then finding out that the opening to her intestines had closed up, and (d) having an ulcer. In the middle of all this, she manages to say things like, "I lost 45 pounds in 23 days! Yippee!" and "It will be worth it when I lose all this weight."

I am trying so hard not to stand in judgement...but it's not working! I know it's her journey, but what scared the $h!t out of me is that a year ago, it was almost MY journey! I seriously considered Lap Band surgery, but the little voice in my head (God, I'm sure ) told me that if I couldn't control my eating now, what made me think I could control it with a smaller stomach? After all, I've eaten myself sick before - what really would there be to stop me.

In a way, though, I HAVE been there. I have abused my body SO badly in the name of being thin. Then, when I was thin, I was still stuck with the pain and lonliness and anger and sorrow that was there when I was fat. Wasn't that just a kick in the ***?

How can we hate ourselves SO MUCH that we would be willing to do that to ourselves? How?

Because were food addicts and this is what we do. Jenelle its another one of those Step 1 things.We have admitted that we are powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. With admittance comes acceptance, this is just the way we are. Now does that mean we roll over, give up, let the medical community tell us what to do. No through God we find a power greater than ourselves to help manage the disease.

Think of your most desperate moments.Think of the close calls you have had. I have certainly thought I would give up a finger, a toe, or even as much as a hand to have all this weight stuff go away. How many times have we put ourselves in mortal danger. Stuffing, sturffing, stuffing food in til it hurt. Or not eating for day upon day. Or excercising till we about collapse. WLS is the last vestige of desperation and thats why we go there.

Some like Jiff realize that there is going to be some surrender and acceptance. That this is just a tool. Others their journey is going to be harder. The joy is God gives us a choice to clear those paths for ourselves.

Sorry if I sound preachy!
Big Hug,
Chris

Chris -

It's definitely true that there was a point where I was willing to do almost anything to lose the weight, including WLS. I guess just the fact that I can see the insanity of it all now is proof that I am in a better place than I was a year ago. I'm certainly blessed that I didn't go through with it, although I am fairly sure that I wouldn't have passed the psychological test they give you anyway. Or maybe I would have. My disease is all about hiding and lying and putting a fake face on. I bet I could have fooled them.

And you're not being preachy at all! If I didn't care what you thought, I wouldn't have posted it.

Good evening ladies!

Chris you aren't preachy at all, infact your post is right on and what I needed to hear this evening.

I need some help...not sure where to get it, but I am realizing that old habits really do die hard, I'm slipping and losing control again and not seeing an end in sight. I'm starting to feel like I'm hungry again and getting uncontrollable urges, one minute I'm fine the next I'm stressed out to the gills! So I want to eat and eat and eat to numb it all, now don't get me wrong my life is wonderful hubby is wonderful kids are wonderful but this weight and food thing has a hold on me and there are times when its grip is loose and other times when it is tight so tight I feel like I can't breathe unless I eat something, or don't eat for days! I'm trying so hard to do this right but lately these things have been creeping up on me seemingly unprovoked does that seem right? I want to be able to LIVE not just be alive, and I feel like if this unhealthy behaviour continues that I'm just going to "be" alive until I die...does that make sense? Now my question...is this all just an elaborate scheme made up by my subconsious or is it something deeper? Why, what, when...did all this stuff become so important that I'd resort to eating myself in to a coma or starving myself. Now I try so hard for my babies I don't want them to pick up any of my horrible habits...oh goodness I just realized that I am kind of rambling on and on and not making much sense. I'll leave it at that for now and hopefully some sort of devine intervention will come to me in my sleep. Love to you all and thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Michelle

Michelle-Two things, you posted your story and there may be after shocks from the processing of it. When we start to show others our true selves and our truest thoughts our disease gets scared, it starts thinking that some healing might be going on around here andthats when it starts to whisper, and if you still won't listen it will begin to roar. The second thing is a step one thing too, your saying I need help.

I need help too. Maybe we can all help each other.

Jenelle- I love you girly.


Chris

this could be a long one! I have a lot to say on what you gals posted yesterday evening!

((Chris)) -- I don't know what games your head is playing with you right now, but post away if you need to! You're always so strong and nurturing for everyone else, but tend to withdraw when it's our turn to do the same for you. I'm one to talk, I know, I do the turtle thing a lot myself. Hang in there, chica!

Michelle -- Amen from this corner about not wanting to pass on horrible food issues to daughters!!! I have two little girls, too (6 yo and 10 yo) and I desperately want them to have a "normal" relationship with food. However, I already see in my oldest some of my tendencies. I've caught her wanting to eat when she's upset and I'm torn as to how to discourage her from this without causing her to turn to it more. Does that make sense? And I feel like such a hypocrite and liar when I'm trying to steer her into healthier outlets for her sadness or anger or whatever. After all, how many times has she seen Mommy stuff her face when there's been an argument or a bad day at work, etc.? I mean, I can tell myself that I've kept my problem pretty well hidden, but I didn't get to my current size by eating normal portions and exercising regularly! Sheesh, this is no help to you in your dilemma at all, is it? Sending lots of hugs and thinking of you today, Michelle!

Kat -- I hope you have a wonderful time with your friends this weekend. You and your husband deserve some joy in your lives right now and I pray it finds you soon!

Okay, on this whole WLS thing. I have a couple of friends who have had this done in the past year. They haven't really changed anything about their eating habits and one still hadn't been able to break out of the 200's a year later. I have has serious jealousy issues over their rapid weight loss, etc. but I know that I cannot go this route. Surgery terrifies me and I had enough of it last year, thank you very much! Every time I think I have come to terms with my feelings, they crop up again.

You may recall a couple of weeks ago that I asked you to pray for my friend who was having complications (bowel obstruction) and would be undergoing emergency surgery to have the problem corrected. The doctor ended up taking 10 inches of her small intestine and she was in the hospital for nearly a week. He told her that she was perhaps 12-24 hours away from rupturing her bowel. Essentially, she was told, she had had a second gastric bypass and would begin losing weight again. She shouldn't have any trouble reaching her goal weight now. Is she happy? No. She is just as disgusted with herself now because she has a horrible loose skin problem that just keeps getting worse because the weight is coming off so quickly. And the sick part of this (for me) is that I see all she has gone through and how she still is not content with herself and I am still jealous of the fact she has lost weight and I have not! Sometimes I can be one sick puppy, I tell you!

Enough long-winded rambling for me! I need to get off of here and tend to my kidlets. My oldest daughter got her first period this week and has needed her mommy much more in the past few days.

Have a wonderful day!
Christy

Michele - I giggled when you said you were rambling, mainly because you weren't rambling at all! I identified with every single thing you typed. Like Chris said, when we start to face the demons that feed our disease, our disease starts to panic, because if we excise the demons, our disease will not have any sustinence. So, yeah, it's the whispers of your disease talking. Journaling might help. The thing that helped me most was a therapist.

Christy - When I was a teenager, I alternated between anorexia and binge eating. I would - get this - PRAY that I would just get full-blown anorexia so that I could finally lose the weight. You're so right about our diseases distorting our common sense! (And thank God for unanswered prayers!)

Chris - Keep posting. That's why where here! (and I love you too! )

I'm off to watch reruns of ER and maybe finish a cross-stitch. It's a lazy day for me today.

I wrote an essay on body acceptance for a creative writing class about five years ago. It got an A. Maybe I'll post it here (although I think Chris may have already read it?)

You guys are so great! I'm going to talk to my hubby today and see what he says about me going to a therapist or maybe hubby can just be a little more available for me to talk to. Funny thing you guys is that when I was sleeping last night I had a dream that I had WLS!!! Funny because I've only considered but never asked my docs about it. In this dream I went to the hospital for my normal thyroid level check and ended up having a WLS done, of course I don't know what or how they are done but in my dreams everything is elaborate LOL

Jennelle You are totally right I need to start journaling my emotions again. When my disease was at its prime I had two journals one named "the good feelings book" and the second " the bad feelings book" LOL how simple my mind is I'm also going to join our local chapter of OA.

Christy that is how I feel with my girls of course they are just wee ones almost 3 and the other is 9 months but my oldest we reward with candy sometimes and that horrible I need to stop that now, and then she sees when I'm stressed I turn to drs. M&M and Reeses....no help there either. And yes you have helped me....just by reaching out you've helped more than you know Thank you!

Chris Thank you for being so insightful! I'm here for you! We'll cleanse ourselves of these ED demons!!

You guys are so great, I'm just so glad I got brave enough to post in this section
Love to you all and again thanks for listening
Michelle

Wow, I had a lot of reading to do when I came here today!! That's incentive to stop by more often!! The kids and DH came back from the beach with a cold, so I've been wiping noses (DD & DS) and rubbing feet (DH).

I'm still obsessing about food. I wish I could redirect my thoughts. I'm trying to keep HP at the center of my life, which feels wonderful, but I'm not yet trained to keep my focus there. Chris - I'm a frustrated novelist, too - most of my stories are just romantic fantasies fleshed out, and I haven't had time to write in ages, but it used to be a big hobby of mine. I've considered that maybe I need hobbies that involve things other than food or exercise - perhaps I'll start writing again. I'm also going to learn to play the violin. Both of my SIL's are taking lessons, and I was inspired at the beach when they gave a concert and had come so far (okay, really, they murdered "Danny Boy", but it could've been MUCH worse). I got a used Glaessel violin at a local store - and am renting to own for $25 a month. It's SO cool. I really feel good for having another outlet for my energy.

You ladies are lovely. I've read all of your posts, but can't possibly respond to them all - Michelle, I'm with you on wanting to be a positive roll model. It seems like most of my food issues began about the time my mother quit smoking. That's when hers started, too. My DD is very sensitive and emotional, so she may be especially prone to EDs, I don't know.

Chris - eat something when you're hungry, girl! Go to a farmer's market and get some fresh fruit and veggies. Our tomatoes are amazing right now.

Jennelle, Christy, Skippy, love and hugs to you. Kat, have a good weekend.

More later!