My food issues. What keeps pissing me off is 1) in my heart of hearts I know what is right and what it takes for me to get well (I KNOW WHAT ABSTINENCE FEELS LIKE!!!!!!) 2) I am back doing more Step 1 work since I can't seem to go into action mode 3) I find my food issues so freaking embarrasing I don't want to tell anyone. Basically my truth is I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to stomp my feet like a little girl and say, "Everyone else gets ice cream why can't I have ice cream!" Everytime I have it I feel half insane and the demons are louder, and the other night when my DH wanted to talk about the state of the toliet, "I just don't want to talk about that" I want to be thin with none of the work, I want a relationship with God with none of the work, I want to just be perfect and the best with none of the work. You know what a dear program friend said to this, "If nothing changes, nothing changes" Plus I have had all these old memories flooding back and if I pay any attention to them my disease tells me the lie that I can't cope There is hope because I know there is. It is up to me to do the foot work to get it, and get healthy. Writing and supporting you all helps me so much. Last night was one of the best nights I have had with the food in a while and it was rereading what I wrote about WLS. My words ring so true to myself. Going back through all the Step work I have done, its true, its all true. Tonight its Chapter 5 of the Big Book. Baby steps, us addicts think we can change our whole lives in a day, and its just not true. For every day I indulge in the disease I need 30 days to pull myself out another friend told me. The back to basics without the promises, the failure, or the blame. I am a food addict, this is what I do, and this is where I am today.

Tracy- Food is a ODAT thing. Just think of the connections we forge with our children when we concentrate on them and not the food

Michelle- Your foraging your own path. Your taking alot of steps in a short period of time. Go gently and know that you are a loved daughter of God.

Jenelle- I am just a wee bit jealous of your lazy day. Post on body image.I am slow learner, continue to pound away Your another one who tends to nurture when you need to talk so don't forget you can too

Christy- Its okay to be jealous. In fact all of our sick wishes our okay as long as we aren't acting on them. The acceptance of things and then pushing on to the next right thing. I wrote out of my turtle shell I love and miss you when you don't post.

Skippy- Quit hiding


Chris

Chris -- Way to come out of your shell, turtle girl! I don't know if it made you feel any better or not to post, but I breathed a huge sigh of relief for you getting it out there. I can relate to so much of what you said. Perfection without the price...I would love that for myself as well! You can do this again. You do know what abstinence feels like and you will get there again. I sincerely believe that for you, even if you are having trouble with it now. Hugs...


Ugh...I wish I had more to say, but the truth is my darling daughters are on my last nerve and have been exiled upstairs so I don't do them bodily harm this evening. (They are grumpy from staying up way too late last night and then getting themselves up early this morning.) I'm going to curl up with Alice Hoffman's Blue Diary and a cup of chai and try to chill out.

Prayer and hugs to all you lovely girls,
Christy

Chris - Oh boy, do I EVER know what that's like! Dammit, I want it NOW! I think that part of my NOW attitude stems from the times when I was treating my body like crap. I remember back when I would get pissed off if I didn't drop ten pounds in one WEEK. Of course, at the time, I was also not eating anything for days, and as soon as I ate the weight would come back in spades.

I'll post the essay as soon as I can find it. It's long.

Here's a 25 point gratitude list

1. I am grateful there is a God, just cause I am being a butthead doesn't mean my Higher Power isn't out there rooting for me
2. I have a family that loves me
3. I have a job
4. I have the OA program and my brothers and sisters there
5. I have 3FC and my brothers and sisters here
6. I can read
7. I can write
8. I have a nice car
9. I can see, walk, hear, I have no physical disabilities
10. I am just overweight
11. I am thankful there are medications for recovery
12. I am thankful for Dr.'s
13. I am thankful for flushy toliets and sanitary sewer systems
14. I am thankful for kitchen appliances (yeah microwave and dishwasher!)
15. I am thankful for feelings
16. I am thankful for books and the authors that write them
17. I am thankful for kind people
18. I am thankful for colour
19. I am thankful for purses and backbags to hold my stuff
20. I am thankful for life
21. I am thankful that I am breathing right now
22. I am thankful for humor
23. I am thankful for music
24. I am thankful for a fabulous smile and hair
25. I am thankful that this list is over

Chris

So, I try to log on to my blog site to get a copy of my essay. The site's down. No problem - I'll just go to my files and pull up the hard copy. Thing is, the hard copy's not there! Now, if anyone needs a paper on Poe's love affair with tubucular women and how those women permeate his stories, or a paper on Faulkner's As I Lay Dying (a darkly hilarious book, BTW), or a dissection of "Death of a Salesman," I've got it. I've got a short story about two teenagers who found a baby in a dumpster. I've got a too-long-to-be-short-but-too-short-to-be-long story about a woman who finds the love of her life after 20 years. But no essay.

What's most worrisome is that the blog site has a message up saying that a hard drive crashed. God help me if my essay was on that hard drive, because that may be the only copy I have. (Unless it's on the other computer, but there's something wrong with it and I can't get it to boot up.)

I hope to post it as soon as my blog site comes back up.

Ugh. I hate it when the grocery store puts Famous Amos cookies on sale. Buy one, get one free, the sign said. It should say, "Eat a box, get a load of self-loathing FREE!!"

I love you ladies. Hope everyone has a positive day, and Jennelle finds her file.

Oh Jennelle, I hope your essay isn't gone for good! Crossing my fingers for you over here... Hey, you didn't post it on the 100 Pound board once ages ago, did you? I remember reading someone's essay over there. I thought if you had, you could maybe pull up that old thread?

I had to smile at your confession of hoping to lose 1o pounds in one week. I caught myself thinking the other day that if I could only lose x pounds before I went back to work then this summer wouldn't be a complete waste. A WASTE?!?! I have done so many fun things with my DDs, gotten so much work done around the house, had time to indulge in all my favorite hobbies, spent a fabulous week at the beach and I'm going to judge my whole summer on whether or not I lost enough weight?! How wrong is that?

Chris -- Great gratitude list! I hope this morning finds you feeling stronger and more at peace with yourself. Are you planning on doing something nice for yourself today? You really should, you know. I, for one, am going to make time to work on our family scrapbook and read. I finished up Blue Diary and it was excellent. There are only a couple of Alice Hoffman's adult books I haven't read now. I'm going to start Toni Morrison's Beloved today, I think.

Kat, Tracey, Michelle, Skippy -- Hello! Hope to hear from you soon!

Adios, chicas!
Christy

Jennelle -- Loved reading your essay! Good work!

Just wanted to pop in and let y'all know that I think my hard drive may be on the verge of crashing! So if I disappear suddenly and for no apparent reason, don't be concerned. I'm trying to locate and fix the problems, but my scan disk won't work and my de-fragger won't either. I don't know if I'll have to just reinstall everything or get a new one. Ugh...think of me!

Your techno challenged buddy,
Christy

Morning Ladies,

I got to meditate last night so I have begun to do some spiritual work to healing. Time to move into action and quit wallowing in the character defect of self-pity. God has sent me all of you to help me on my way.

Christy- I'll pray for your hard drive

Tracy-It should say, "Eat a box, get a load of self-loathing FREE!!" Right on!

My sponsor says humor gets her through ODAT.
I love ya'll,
Chris

Jack-We all have different bottoms and your was the stroke. Keep dealing with your issues ODAT. And yes, once a food addict always a food addict. But even your alcoholics will tell you that at least they can cork the bottle, at a minimum we get in the cage with the tiger 3 times a day. Life isn't made for recovery, we have to make it made for recovery. Feel free to lurk anytime

Chris

Jack - Ditto what Chris said.