All of this would be a huge red flag to me, in a relationship. If he really cared about you he'd spend his energy doing things to make you feel good about yourself, not trying to change you.
You deserve to be loved and cared for NOW just as much as you'd deserve it if you were thin.
I think it can be a red flag, but it isn't always necessarily one.
My hubby has a "white knight" personality. And he tends to think he has the answer for every problem on the planet. I knew this trait was going to be a nuisance at times (and I did consider not marrying him because of it and occasionally it makes me so mad, I almost wish I hadn't).
Most of the time though, I love him dearly, but I do have to be firm with him about his idea of helping (he's the kind of guy whose idea of helping in the kitchen, is taking the knife out of your hand, and showing you how to do it the way he was taught in the restaurants in which he was trained.
He knows and freely admits that I'm "smarter" than him in many things, but when he thinks he's right, he's as stubborn as a blasted mule.
He is willing to do things "my way" when I tell him it's important to me (and while he sometimes forgets his promises to do it my way - he does try hard and apologizes when he screws up).
My family sometimes think my husband is "abusive" because he tends to be very blunt (I swear the man has little or no "filter" if he thinks it, he's probably going to say it), and he sometimes comes across as a bit bossy (when the're stubborn and bossy I'm supposed to accept that they do it out of love, but when he does it, it's abusive).
I'm an extremely independent, strong-willed woman and tend to be pretty blunt myself, and too willing to share my own opinions (as some of you may have noticed) though I am a little more skilled in wording my opinions in a way that is least likely to be offensive (hubby tends to put his foot in his mouth a lot, and doesn't always understand how it got there).
Except for my husband's lack of tact, we're pretty well matched. I'm able to tell him when he's being a jack (er fool) he's willing to try to be less jerklike (though I usually have to spell it out for him, what I want. He's so literal-minded it's like talking to someone from another planet sometimes).
The hardest thing for him to learn was to keep his mouth SHUT when he sees me doing something in a way, he wouldn't do it. To him there are only two ways to do things - the right way and the wrong way - and it's often difficult to convince him that his way isn't always the right way (but once I do convince him, he's firmly on board and will change his way).
This might work better for us, if I thought like he did, and we agreed on the right way, but the difficult part is convincing him that there can be a "just as good, but different" way to do things. To his way of thinking there can never be "two right ways."
Convincing him that it was ok to have towels folded in two ways (in the linen cupboard) was a challenge. He's so anal (OCD really) that it bugs him tremendously that I fold towels differently than he does. He's tried to learn my method, but I have a two-way technique. I fold bigger towels differently than smaller towels, so they can be neatly stacked. He folds all towels the same way, but stacks them in a pyramid, so that the bigger towels are on the bottom of the pyramid (which means he has to restack all the towels when puts towels away).
We finally decided that we each get to fold towels however we want to, and we now have two stacks in the linen cupboard. My stack on the left, and his stack on the right. I know it still bugs him, but he doesn't argue any more about how the towels are stacked.
He really is willing to let me make all the household "rules" but I fight against that tooth and nail, because I grew up in a household where my mother was the absolute ruler, and everyone (including Dad) had to do everything she wanted us to do (and often we were expected to read her mind in order to anticipate what she wanted).
My mom's not a beast, and neither is my husband, just very flawed human beings (and I have to include myself in that category too).
I really think my hubby has an almost Aspberger's like brain, and he literally can't think outside his rut without a great deal of help. He is willing to accept that help, but if he wasn't I probably couldn't stay. We both keep trying to make the communication better, and so it works. If one of us ever stops being willing to try, the marriage will fall apart.
Sometimes it's like living with a 2 year old, but he acknowledges this. Heck, I'm immature too, but because my inner child is the teenager, and his is the todder, I have to be the babysitter sometimes (this is a gross exageration, but it's one of our inside jokes).
Many people may consider this a very flawed relationship, but it works very well for us. We don't usually get very angry at each other, because we do communicate very openly (at least compared to all our friends and family).
We aren't afraid to say what we really think, for the most part, because we're both very willing to assume that the other person isn't trying to intentially be a jack.. errr a a rude idiot. So we do our best, and both keep trying to make compromises that work for both of us.
If that describes your relationship too, I think you can work it out. If he's truly unwilling to change to accomodate your needs and wishes, then you have a much bigger problem.
For what its worth, I would think someone supportive would help you set a goal by letting you set the goal, and suggesting something special the two of you can do together to celebrate (ie: nice dinner out, a show, etc)
As coming from a behavior-modification standpoint, what he's doing is the equivalent of a mother telling her antsy child "you're acting like a brat, shape up and I'll buy you a toy". There's a big difference between that and "you're doing really well, I know you're struggling, I'm proud of you, you're really working hard to earn (X)" While they essentially end up being the same thing, but one has a positive, supportive message, and the other is, as previously mentioned d-baggy.
I would hope that any SO worth their salt would support you, regardless of your progress. To me, he's seeing it more as his own reward (you losing weight), than how it will impact you personally.
I really hope that there's more to it than this, but I also hope that you recognize how it seems he's treating you.
This actually made me angry. It is beyond rude. It is communicating that he doesn't think you deserve certain things now, but you will deserve it when you lose weight. It is a red flag because you have already made it clear that you don't appreciate his comments. He is making your weight loss about him.
I had a boyfriend tell me what he wasn't going to compliment my appearance anymore until I got healthier (his code for losing weight), even though I was the same weight I was when we met. When I challenged him, he would just say how if I was confident about my current weight, I wouldn't get upset when he says those things so obviously I need to change. Completely circular logic.
You deserve the full expression of his love in whatever form he gives it RIGHT NOW. All the time. My husband is unconditional love personified. He is so supportive, yet gets out of the way and lets me have my process. I am grateful that I have found him and that ex is in the past.
I agree that it *can* be a warning sign, and it *can* be rude, but it depends on the context.
Have you told him you want to lose weight? Have you openly talked about weight loss, lack of motivation, etc? In that case, maybe he really is trying to just motivate you. Although it's definitely pretty clueless.
I'm kind of doubtful that that's the case, though. It's more likely that he's being rude... actually, more than rude.
When I was a teenager my mom used to bribe me with a cd, or a certain amount of money per 5 pounds I lost. Ultimately, not so helpful, kind of made me feel like garbage. I know she wasn't meaning to, but bleh.
Insulting and chipping away at your self-esteem. Worse than rude and certainly not helpful. What really got me was him discouraging you from being happy where you are. I don't know your stats but unless you are MORBIDLY OBESE and teetering on dying of health complications, he should calm the heck down!
I dont like it. I think that whether he's being douchy or just being helpful, you will resent him and ultimately you might, like I did growing up with parents who tried to bribe me to lose weight, just start to sneak food and eat when he's not around.
I do hope he means well, and I urge you to sit down and tell him how you feel. His response to THAT will let you know whats really going on.
No, I'm not overweight to the point that my health is a huge issue. I think his comments are a combination of him trying to motivate me, for me, since he knows how unhappy I am. I also think he wants me to fit this image (I don't want to give too much information away) but he has a career in which he makes decent money, and often people in his line of work have "trophy wives". He hasn't brought it up, but it's just a known fact, or stereotype...however you'd like to look at it.
Things are great, aside from the topic at hand and I do love him. He's also at work most of the time and I have a lot of things to accomplish/get done/figure out this year. (College, work, hobbies, etc) So for now, I'm just going to focus on improving myself and getting things done. Only time will tell what his true intentions are and at least by then if things truly are bad, I'll have more of my life sorted out.
But thanks for all the responses! It's comforting to know that my concerns are valid.
Pretend you have a daughter and her boyfriend said these things to her. Is it ok then? You need to look at situations as a third party sometimes, because you don't want to think of your bf as being a douche.
My ex withheld sex from me for 3 years because I gained weight and for 2.5 of those years I defended him. It took someone saying what I said about the daughter thing to realise how badly I was being treated.
I dunno.. I guess I have a different view than other people.
Has he said anything that you haven't said to yourself? Has he made ANY comments when you were NOT trying to lose?
Because I have CERTAINLY rewarded myself with clothes,I held off on getting clothes I liked until I was down a size, I CERTAINLY get excited when I think about what I would look like thin.. Why is it so hurtful for someone else to say it to you when it is what you secretly think as well?
I think this would have been a sign if he was FORCING you to lose weight..but since you were already doing it in the first place... I really see it as he is trying to help.
My thoughts are scattered.. I wish I could write like Kaplods
Last edited by Jonsgurl0531; 06-12-2012 at 12:26 PM.
Maybe the guy's a douche, but maybe he's just "thinking like a guy."
Men get a different upbringing and message about "motivating" others. They almost speak a different language. They're often exposes to "bootcamp style" logic their coaches, fathers, and friends. Men say things to each other, that women would leave a friendship over.
Some men are really good at "chick speak" and others aren't. If you "translate" things for him and he still doesn't change, he's a jerk. If you set firm boundaries, and speak directly (no euphemisms) a decent guy will do things your way.
My husband often says "tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it."
I've learned to take him literally on this (because most men, I've learned, always speak much more literally than women). Do not ask a guy if "this outfit makes me look fat," because it confuses and terrifies them (and really there is no "good" answer because we usually know the answer to the question before we ask, and their first instinct is to say what they think, not what the acceptable "code" answer is).
If you live a lifestyle where there's a lot of social pressure for you and your significant other to conform to a social ideal, you're both kind of screwed, because your relationship then has a third (or more) member - because not only does it matter what you think, and what he thinks, what everyone else thinks gets into the mix too. And a relationship doesn't work if there ar too many people in there (friends, relatives, coworker, the neighbors). You can't make everyone happy.
Maybe the guy's a douche, but maybe he's just "thinking like a guy."
Men get a different upbringing and message about "motivating" others. They almost speak a different language. They're often exposes to "bootcamp style" logic their coaches, fathers, and friends. Men say things to each other, that women would leave a friendship over.
Maybe the guy's a douche, but maybe he's just "thinking like a guy."
Men get a different upbringing and message about "motivating" others. They almost speak a different language. They're often exposes to "bootcamp style" logic their coaches, fathers, and friends. Men say things to each other, that women would leave a friendship over.
Some men are really good at "chick speak" and others aren't. If you "translate" things for him and he still doesn't change, he's a jerk. If you set firm boundaries, and speak directly (no euphemisms) a decent guy will do things your way.
My husband often says "tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it."
I've learned to take him literally on this (because most men, I've learned, always speak much more literally than women). Do not ask a guy if "this outfit makes me look fat," because it confuses and terrifies them (and really there is no "good" answer because we usually know the answer to the question before we ask, and their first instinct is to say what they think, not what the acceptable "code" answer is).
If you live a lifestyle where there's a lot of social pressure for you and your significant other to conform to a social ideal, you're both kind of screwed, because your relationship then has a third (or more) member - because not only does it matter what you think, and what he thinks, what everyone else thinks gets into the mix too. And a relationship doesn't work if there ar too many people in there (friends, relatives, coworker, the neighbors). You can't make everyone happy.
Very true. Men are so literal and most don't analyze things nearly as much as women do
Also we are getting what he said from a biased perspective. It's hard for us to comment, because we weren't there, we don't know the context or the tone.
The fact that you came on here to ask us though, shows you took it personally. Otherwise you wouldn't need us to comment on it.
If it hurt your feelings, whether he meant to or not. Talk to him about it.
My boyfriend has been making comments for the past six months or so about how he would buy me so many things, makeup, clothes, shoes, etc, if I lost weight. He says he's just trying to motivate me, but I think it's depressing,
Quote:
I just think that it's somewhat defeating that to me, it's like I'm not worthy of any of that until I'm smaller.
Quote:
This has been bothering me quite a bit.
What more is there to say?
YOU do not like it.
I wouldn't like it either, for much the same reasons. It doesn't matter what the reason behind it is -- that he's misguided or a creep or whatever. The bottom line?
YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS.
Tell him to stop it, change the approach to something you find more supportive and if he does not?
What's that telling you?
That he does not respect you or your feelings. Walk away. Maybe RUN.
