I'm the kind of person that, if my future bf doesn't like my dog, or my dog doesn't like him... bye bye.
My dog is my life, and... well... animals in general are my life. If you tell me to give them up... you're gone in an instant.
I'm not saying YOU have to do this. I'm just telling you what I'd do. But in my opinion... it's kind of petty for him to say he can't have you AND the dogs. Kind of selfish as well. If he really loves you (as you obviously do him by wondering whether or not you are being selfish, by being selfless), he'll be able to move past something as trivial as DOGS.
If your dogs do have behavioral issues... yeah. You should work on getting those issues fixed. Maybe, if you really like this guy... see if he'd be willing to work on it together. You'll be doing it if you get married. Or at least... you SHOULD be doing it (working together). Except with kids instead of dogs (if y'all want kids).
But "stinking up the house" and "other man's dogs". Those are a bit ridiculous. Unless the dogs are urinating and defecating all over your house... yeah... dogs stink. It's normal. (I actually think it smells wonderful. ) And "another man's dogs". Like someone else said... what if it were kids? Sounds almost like evil stepmother type of thing.
I'd talk to him and see where he's coming from. I mean, if you're not a dog person then the occasional accident is just gross. Believe, me, I have dogs and the stuff I deal with now is not something I could have seen myself dealing with before I had dogs. Like the time my dogs killed a rabbit in the backyard and then puked for 3 days. I swear they ate one rabbit and puked 3. Disgusting. And now that they're older they can't always make it through the night so guess what I see first thing in the morning??? Yes, we have put out training pads (cause I'm not getting up in the middle of the night) and they use them so problem solved. But, if you had ever told me I'd be cleaning up a pad of poop and pee a couple times a week I might not have gotten the dogs I would have been so grossed out.
Also discuss the dog behaviors that annoy him. Again, if you're not used to dogs, some of their behaviors are annoying. Do they jump on him? Do they lick him? Does he have to fight them for your attention? It's just like having children. Sometimes they ARE annoying but as parents we just tune it out.
His last remark concerns me the most. Like the others have said, that is just WEIRD. but it might have been said out of frustration over the other problems he mentioned. Maybe he blames the ex for their poor training?
It's time to have a good long talk. Trust your gut and be really honest with each other. This might be a deal breaker for either of you. Ultimatums are manipulative but honesty will set both of you free.
I could NEVER be with someone who didn't love my babies!!! I had a cat when I met my husband; he wasn't really a "cat person" but he certainly didn't hate them. Now we've been together 17 years and have two dogs & two cats. He completely understands my total love for animals & those four pets are OUR babies. Hating my dogs? Deal breaker to me! Men are all over the place! Easy pickings! - dogs are much better company.
No, I don't believe all men are like that but then again I wouldn't know.
If he issued an ultimatum such as this one, I'm sure there will be more down the line if you continue with him.
You wonder if you are selfish for not getting rid of them - Really? They are apart of your life, they are YOURS! There are plenty other men out there who will accept that these animals are apart of you - a packaged deal.
The dogs will be there for you through thick and thin and provide you with unconditional love.
I won 7 Dogs, 1 of whom is a Service Dog - If anyone would want to be with me they would know right off the bat that the dogs and I are a packaged deal.
I would understand the "other man's dog's" comment if there are any plans to return any of the dogs to the ex or share custody in some way when he returns from Korea. If you're just boarding the dogs for the ex until he returns - or if he is going to have contact with the dogs after he returns from Korea, this brings up issues that can get pretty complicated.
You and your bf have to decide what you're willing to work "around." I've known even married folks to live seperately for similar issues. In high school I dated a boy whose widowed grandmother married a man, but they didn't live together for several reasons, including the fact that he hated her dog. They saw each other almost every day, and spent a lot of time together, but they maintained separate homes.
Before I got married (and sometimes even since) I used to joke that my ideal marriage involved his and her duplexes.
I don't know how stinky or how rowdy the dogs are. It's hard to judge by description, because people have biases about pets that don't often reflect common perception. One person's "well-behaved" is another person's "out of control." I went to a home of a person who told me that one of their dogs was a beast and another was an angel. To my perception the person had it backwards. The dog she told me was "an angel" growled at me, ripped my pants trying to hump my leg (he's just being friendly), and the "beast" was screamed at for gently licking my hand.
What you're willing to work around, and what is a deal breaker is up to you and your boyfriend. I would suggest that obedience training for the dogs might be a way to address the boyfriend's concern, but also a way to build and test the relationship and encourage some bonding between the bf and the dogs. Asking the bf to help with training the dogs, would give him exposure to the dogs, the opportunity to bond with the animals, a sense of some input or control over the situation and you'd also be able to gauge his patience and willingness to compromise.
Are all men like that you ask...well I am a man and I love dogs...
but....
as with any new relationship there may be things that one or the other just can't get past....
doesn't make them a bad person....but then they shouldn't ask you to change either...(or get rid of your dogs!)....
When I was dating after my divorce 20 years ago I met several women that I could have had a relationship with...but...because of their kids...their financial situation....their location....their other issues....I wasn't willing to continue....
nothing wrong with the women...just the situation....
and it was given back to me too...my kids...my religion...etc....
The guy may or may not come around...but don't give up your dogs!
PS...I told my wife no dogs before we got married.....
we have 2
If you had been here long enough you would know how much I love my dogs!
People change...situations change...but never count on it!
Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate it and thanks for letting me vent. Plus your responses have given me a lot to think about in terms of my future.
I guess I shouldn't have used the word selfish but more like am I crazy to choose an animal over a human? I also say no because they were here first. However he acts like that's a crazy thing for me to say. As far as the ex is concerned, I don't think he's coming back for another 10 years so the bf shouldn't worry about that.
As far as behavior goes, they're just pretty hyper and they're excited (especially the baby) when people come over. Yes I agree some additional training would help with that. They're very sociable in fact when I walk them they love it when people come up to pet them. However, they eventually do calm down.
The smell part according to him is that normal dog smell he doesn't want to deal with period. He has had dogs before with his ex where those dogs actually went to the bathroom inside the house all the time. Mine don't do that. When they have to go they stand by the door and I let them out. Even my 8 year old will stand at the door when she has to throw up.
The ultimatum comment bothered me a lot. It started questioning yeah what else in the future do I have to give up? Not a good start to a life together.
Last edited by francine06; 06-15-2010 at 10:30 PM.
How long have you guys been together? Is dog dislike a deal breaker to you?
I have to admit -- with my allergies and asthma, I would probably not be keen on dating a person with big/multi dogs. my own pets were reptiles because of the "no fur or feathers" thing. But you know... I have my preferences, dog owners have theirs. We all have the right to these things and when you are dating you have to decide what can be a comprise and what is a deal breaker.
So if this is a relatively new relationship, then yeah... it's just sorting itself out time to see if it will go the distance. No biggie. As you learn more about each other you figure out these things.
But if you guys have been together a while -- what's his problem? It wasn't like they were a big secret, right? He's been over before and knew about them?
What's up with the "and I don't want some other man's dogs?" They are pets! Is he so insecure that having dogs your ex used to help with rattle his cage so much? What a strange turn of phrase.
I don't think it is crazy to chose the dogs over someone who can't love the dogs. Companion animals are a commitment too.
[QUOTE=astrophe;3341552]How long have you guys been together? Is dog dislike a deal breaker to you?
We have been seeing each other about a year and a half so that's the major shock as in him not wanting them around period. He was always annoyed by them but I didn't think he would actually make me get rid of them especially since he's had dogs before and they were big dogs.
Dogs first. A guy who is making ultimatums at so early in a relationship sounds acutely controling. What happens if it's something more serious? What if he moves in and is so nasty you kick him out and now no bf and no dogs!?
My hubby would never hurt my pets. They've grown out of control.. kittens.. but he would never touch a hair on their head or get rid of them if it made me sad. He loves me enough to support me in anything I do or anything that I care about. The cats STINk up the joint but I am doing my best and in my next home I will keep them out of the main area.
If any guys told me a pet or him.. I would know that guy doesn't love me enough and I would pick the pet... but that's me!
Just to add on a pessimistic note.. some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy. I'm guilty of doing that stuff
You'll be doing it if you get married. Or at least... you SHOULD be doing it (working together). Except with kids instead of dogs (if y'all want kids).
) And "another man's dogs". Like someone else said... what if it were kids? Sounds almost like evil stepmother type of thing.
