I'm going to tell the bloke next door - he had his car broken in to a last weekend (CD player gone) and the bloke the other side of him phoned the police.... with EXACTLY the same reaction as your joke.
LOL - I think he might take your joke as really good advice!
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she
shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and
shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"
A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest
clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a
story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her
mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best
friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're
going to get screwed."
Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem
annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting.
But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had
recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better
businessman than the first two put together.
Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?" he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing ears!"
Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!" And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!"
have posted this on another thread but just in case you don't get to see it.....................
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked Ed the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.....
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy
family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's
guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in
the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things
aren't always what they seem."
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but
very hospitable farmer and
his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep
in their bed where they
could have a good night's rest.
When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and
his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the
field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you
have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The
second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you
let the cow die.
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.
"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold
stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with
greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he
wouldn't find it."
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came
for his wife. I gave him
the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the
way they should. You just need to trust that every outcome is always to
your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people
will think we're nuts.
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group, discussing why a project failed, and who was responsible. Tourists - people who go on courses to get a break from their jobs Assmosis - the process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing-up to the boss, rather than working hard Percussive maintenance - the fine art of whacking an electronic device to make it work again Unistalled - being fired CLM (Career Limiting Move) - used among micro-serfs to describe ill advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Ohno-second - that minuscule fraction of a time during which you realise you've just made a big mistake
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than
> > > the British or Americans.
> > > (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
> fewer
> > > heart attacks than the British or Americans.
> > > (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
> > attacks
> > > than the British or Americans.
> > > (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
> > fewer
> > > heart attacks than the British or Americans
> > > (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that
> > > kills you.
> > >
> > >
I just sent that last one to my Brother in Law who was yesterday signed off work for yet another a month having been told that he is 'on the brink of having a heart attack' - Maybe he needs to start learning a new language double-quick!!
