I just got out of an long 8 year emotional abusive relationship in January. It was the hardest step I've ever taken, and it was so hard to let go. Even now, I have days when I want it back just because I knew what I was getting with it. Just trust me when I say that I have never felt happier, or stronger, or believed in myself as much as I do now. I know now that I deserve someone who loves me, and he doesn't and won't and probably couldn't. He had convinced me I was crazy and had huge psychological issues. He convinced all of his friends that I was a psycho *****, and that everything was all me. When we broke up, I really just had my family and one close friend. He had distanced myself from my family to the point where they didnt even know we were still together. My family and best friend saw the abuse, even trying to talk to me about it, but I was so far into it that I didn't do anything about it. In January he told me he was going to go on this trip with this other girl, and if I loved him I would understand why he needed to do it. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't even let go then. It took me 3 months of us fighting over the phone, in person, via email before I took the first step and cut off contact. I fell apart in February, and decided to go to a therapist to find out if I was crazy. I have been going to a therapist, and tried to surround myself with people who are positive and listen to me. And it works, I met a guy this weekend, and it was nice to have someone compliment you, and make you feel good about yourself. While I'm not ready to date, it was nice to be wanted, and not be made to feel like you are crazy. You may think that you are alone, but the faceless people over the internet can sometimes give you courage when you need it the most. Please if you want to talk to someone PM me.
But dont be afraid....a lot of people care.

I'm sorry he would call you psycho I think we all have our various issues and I've experienced anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, etc. I also remember when I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend), I did have some issues and I would easily take any criticism too harshly. I ended up crying for really no apparent reason but he would hug me, tell me everything was ok and it wasn't that bad. Funny thing is, I later discovered it was my new BCP as I would always be very emotional/sensitive during a certain week of the month. I switched pills and it went away. I was acting psycho but he never said a word or put me down for it.

Daisy -

Thank you so much for sharing and for the offer of a "cyber ear"

Thanks nelie.

I am a very emotional person, it's true. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take most things very personally. They are things I try to work on but not always easy to overcome.

Generally when I am having an emotional time, his solution is to ignore it/me unless I confront him which doesn't solve anything either really.

I can't add any more wisdom than everyone here has already given you. I can just reiterate that we're all here for you. You've always had wonderful things to say to anything that me (or anyone else) posted and I always feel like you make an effort to make everyone new who comes here feel welcome and supported. I'm glad I can be here for you to return the favor.

You're an inspiration to a lot of people on this thread. You're a strong, intelligent, beautiful, insightful woman who deserves EVERYTHING that you want. Don't sell yourself short. And don't settle for anything but the best in your life because you absolutely deserve.

Just think of what you'd say to a woman who's in your position. Re-read what you've written here and pretend it's not your own post. And think about what you'd tell any one of us if we were in this situation. We're all worried and care a lot about your well being. Mentally, you've been getting broken down for quite a long time. Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself. Be strong and fight for your independence, either in this relationship or out of it, you need to be free to be yourself. You have to tell yourself that you DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT IN LIFE.

I understand that you've been saved in a lot of ways by your bf and god bless him for getting you out of a very bad situation. But just because he may have saved your life, it doesn't mean he gets to control every aspect of it. If any part of you feels that the way you are being treated is not the best you CAN be treated, than something needs to change. Please keep us posted on how it's going. xoxo

Awww Abby, that means so much, thank you

I can see why the article ringmaster sent you would be difficult to read. I read it and parts of it were hard for me even though I have been out of my bad situation for years now. I applaud you on reading it even though it is hard



Roxy

Thank you, Roxy

Hi,

I've read through this thread and it makes me want to offer you so many hugs. You are such a bright an enthsiastic presence here on 3FC and I always love reading what you have to say. You are an incredibly strong woman to have made it this far and you know that you have so much support from us whatever path you decide to follow.

You've gotten lots of awesome advice and lists of resources here but at the risk of completely overloading you, I wanted to throw one more out there.

I'm a librarian so I instantly thought of a local library as a resource: http://bspl.sals.edu/

That's the website for the ballston spas public library. If nothing else, it offers links to other community information. It also has free events and book clubs that you and your bf could check out...or you could check out yourself once you become a cyclist extraordinaire. They may also have jobsearch advice as many do.

Also, some libraries offer book delivery services where they will deliver books to people who can't get out much for any reason. I can't tell from the site if Ballston Spa does but a quick phone call could tell you.

I also suggest a library because it's not a bad place find other people who are friendly but perhaps not obvious social butterflies and it may be the sort of environment that you feel comfortable in.

Just another one to add to a list.

Take care of yourself. You're important.

What a wonderful idea, Sylvied, thank you

You are not broken, or fatally flawed, or defective, or psycho. You do not have to create self-love and self-esteem out of thin air--it's always been there, you've just never been taught how to claim it or protect it. I believe you started protecting your self esteem by changing your eating, quitting smoking, contributing to 3FC.

Beliefs are incredibly powerful, and can encourage us accept pain as all we deserve because we believe we are unloveable, worthless or damaged. But we can change our beliefs. We are allowed to update them. There is no threshold for when you become "worth" saving, worth basic human needs for food, shelter, clothing, and love.

The old beliefs want to perpetuate themselves, they don't want to go into oblivion--so they'll probably tell you that you are unloveable because you can't even love yourself, therefore you deserve nothing. Or that you really are the exception--but I suspect there are many chicks who believe they were the one exception to the belief that we all deserve love.

I'll be thinking of you as you continue to learn how to protect yourself, love yourself--

How very profound, Nuxmaga. Thank you

Michelle,
I was gone all weekend and have been reading this thread off and on this morning as time permitted.

I am sorry about everything that you have been going through. I hope that you and your boyfriend can work things out but, like the others, I am alarmed and concerned for you.

Reading the last few posts, I became concerned that he may pull your Internet access now that he knows you have been posting about this. It would be so easy to say that he was eliminating Internet access to "save money." What will you do if he removes your last interaction with the outside world?

I want to encourage you to start an action plan right now, today while you have Internet access. You have been given good suggestions on this thread. Write them down so that if your access ends today, you will have them. I think someone sent you information about a women's shelter. Write down their phone number. If I am wrong and you don't have the information about a women's shelter, look it up. Right now. Find the phone number to apply for low income housing and food stamps and write it down. Where is the closest library? Is it within walking distance? You could go there to use the Internet and research resources.

Decide exactly what you will do if he stops the Internet access. Have a plan and don't tell him about it. Don't share everything with him. Don't tell him what you tell us on 3FCs.

I know that I am sounding dramatic but I don't think that I am overreacting. You don't have to use this information but just having it can make you feel better.

My husband and I went through some bad times a long time ago. He was a controlling alcoholic. We had a happy ending. He was been sober for almost 20 years. He got over his controlling ways but it took me putting my foot down. I don't know if I would have had the strength if I had not developed a plan.

When I was a stay at home mother, in the heat of an argument, sometimes my husband would throw up the fact that he was the bread winner. A couple of times, he even threatened to pull all the money. About the third or fourth time he did that, I told him not to make that threat again unless he was ready to get a lawyer. I also started job hunting.

I squirreled away money. I saved $5 here and $10 there. My first goal was to have enough money to spend one night in a hotel if I needed to. This was before I even got a job. He kept track of our finances so I got sneaky. I would buy something at Walmart that he approved of, then would take it back and save the cash. Then I got a little part-time job, then went back to school and finally went back to work full-time. I promised myself that I would never be financially dependent on him again.

Unfortunately, I believe that money is power. I know a few marriages where the stay at home mom seems to be treated as an equal partner but I always wonder. Everyone probably thought that about me years ago but my husband really thought that since he made the money, he should control it. I guess part of me believed that too.

I have a happy ending. I think that our marriage is stronger because of all that we went though. We are equal partners but only because I made it clear that I would accept nothing less. I think that he even grew to respect me more.

I hope that you will have a happy ending too. I certainly think that it is possible. We may be misinterpreting the signs we are seeing in your posts.

Long term, I want to encourage you to become self dependent but that can take a long time. Make a plan for right now and then develop a long term plan.

Let us know how it goes. We are here for you.

Cheryl -

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement and for sharing your now success story. It gives me hope

Hey Michelle,

I have been reading your thread over the last couple days and want to let you know I'm praying for you. You are in a though situation, and I too feel that you are basically being held hostage by a guy who isn't mentally stable.

In an odd sort of way your story reminds me of the old 80's movie, "Ruthless People" starring Danny Devito and Bette Midler. If you recall Bette was an over weight woman held hostage in her kidnappers basement...she started exercising, lost loads of weight, and became a very ruthless and self sufficient woman. She finally realized just how strong she was, and took total control of the situation. I hope your ending comes out as well as the movie.

I've read your story a few times but there was one thing that I always wondered. When you finally decided to tell your boyfriend about your weight and that you had been dishonest with him about it, was this BEFORE or AFTER he had asked you to move to NY with him? What about your extra baggage, (the social disorders and all)...did he know all of this before he asked you to move? What I mean is, did he think you were "phyco", (his stupid word) before he got in his car and drove to TN to "save" you? You said you chatted for 5 years prior to getting together, why do you suppose it took him so long to come and get you?

Oh and the last thing I wanted to say, (again...I think someone else told you this as well)...This man did not save you! You saved you. You took control. You do not owe this man anything except maybe a few bucks for rent. That's ALL you owe him. You can do anything...you are ONEDERCHICK. Love has nothing to do with this relationship. NOTHING.