This is where it is tough... If I were them, I wouldn't have told ANYONE that they were having to face such a decision. It's a very private decision and with you emailing, it makes them feel even more "heart tugged".
It's not that they don't want him. If they didn't want him, they would have terminated long ago. Carrying for a disabled child is LIFE LONG. And you don't know what you are facing. Giving up a baby is not for everyone. They would see him. They would know they gave him away to family and it would be a constant reminder of "was this the right decision". And honestly, how would this play out in the family with dynamics.
But... they already shared. You already shared - damage is already done. if they terminate, you will have hard feelings. If they let you adopt, that could lead to you feeling resentful. Them feeling left out or resentful.
it's just WAY complicated.
This isn't the time or place to be discussing abortion - I am just thankful that it still is a woman's decision. NO ONE knows what it's like to make such a decision until that situation presents itself and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
And if you want a baby - then adopt. I'm sure there are special needs babies who need a home.
My guess is that the more you pressure them and try to get other people to pressure them to do what you want them to do with their life/family/body/baby the more you guarantee that you will be cut out of their life no matter what happens.
Your husband chose to be in the Army, which puts him at a disadvantage for adopting. Why not push him to change his life so that you can adopt through other channels?
I don't think there was any harm in asking ~ many adoptions come out of situations just like this. While none of us can assume what they think or feel either way, they may be touched that you cared that much. You've made them aware your wishes, so I would just wait for their decision.
As for the adoption issue ~ have you considered private adoption? Is that out for you becuz your husband is in the army? I know people who didn't qualify via public adoption, who adopted children through private arrangements.
You already put your offer out there. What is "pushing" likely to accomplish other than making their situation more difficult than it is - especially if they end up deciding to abort the fetus anyway?
We would like to adopt, but right now it is out. We have 1 more year in Spain, and we are pretty sure we are getting transfered to Turkey next summer, and it is just not enought time. One person suggested my husband quit his job, so we could stay put and adopt, but then how would we pay for a 20k adoption??
Once we we be more settled we would like a adopt an older group of siblings, but for now we are still trying on our own through IVF, as it is most plausable.
I feel like they should have kept this private if they didnīt want the ones they told to become involved. I am not going to push them directly, just make it know as well to my parents in law that another option is being presented. We will see how it plays out. The last thing I want to do it strain relationships. I understand that they are devistated and our mourning for the baby that could have been. But, I also understand that my SIL understood the risk of pregnancy at her age, and went forward with it.
I don't blame you for wanting to adopt the baby. I am very pro-choice for others but very pro-life for me. It's hard to not have a strong reaction when people you love are involved and you want to do something to help. I think it's incredible that you'd open your hearts and home. You guys are obviously very loving and generous.
My second child is 6 months old. My first is 8. It's a long story, but, when my first was very young, I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. I went through several surgeries and was told that my fertility was at risk and that I needed a hysterectomy soon. The physical pain alone is debilitating, never mind the emotional turmoil. My partner at the time did not want another child, and after several years of being engaged, also decided that he did not believe in marriage. After several years, I left.
For the next several years, my condition was getting worse and the surgeries more numerous, leaving scar tissue to further threaten future pregnancies. I was at a cross roads, because I wanted another child more than ANYthing, but I was not in a relationship, and the clock was ticking loudly, though I was only in my mid twenties. I decided to use a sperm donor for artificial insemination. I was beginning the discussion with my doctor when I met my husband.
His ex-wife had left him after being unfaithful. Prior to her unfaithfulness, they had tried to conceive for years. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy and was told that her chances of conceiving were very small. She literally lost it, began a relationship with her female hairdresser, and left her husband. That is what infertility can do.
So, it's all very ironic- what we both went through before finding one another, and how badly we both longed for a baby. My dr started tracking me immediately after our wedding, and she warned me that it could take a long time. One day a couple of months after our wedding, I had an appt and she and I were discussing the fertility medications she would give me at the next appointment. Turns out, I had conceived that very week, and was already pregnant.
When I was 25 weeks pregnant with Charlotte, I went into preterm labor. I dilated to 2-3 cm and was rushed in an ambulance to Sacred Heart Hosptial in another city. They prepared me to have my baby. The neonatologist came in and tried to prepare my husband and I for the condition our less than 2 lb baby would be in. The bones of her ribcage may collapse on her lungs, because they are so weak. At best case scenario, she will live but be severely disabled. Mental ******ation is very likely. Gruesome details. Frightening details.
Miraculously, my cervix CLOSED COMPLETELY. This is unnatural and unexpected. Dr's were in disbelief. I was put on bedrest.
While we were in the hospital, specialists had seen abnormalities on the ultrasounds. New abrnomalities were found just weeks later. It was a roller coaster. One day, baby was perfect, the next, she was potentially disabled.
At 39 weeks 5 days, we delivered a perfect in every way, miracle we had longed for baby girl, Charlotte Bryn.
I didn't mean to go on like this, but I wanted to say that there is no way anyone can understand, unless they have experienced it, what it feels like to sit with a neonatologist and hear the afflictions your baby will have. If I had gone on to have her, we would have had to make a choice, to keep her on machines or to let her go. it would have been play by play, touch and go. But we had to sit there and think about what we would do if we KNEW for a fact that she was mentally and physically disabled. It was NOT about OUR comfort or the ease of raising her. For us, it was about HER SUFFERING. My God, what would you do to save your children from suffering. That is what we had to think about. It is soul-crushing. I do not know what decison we would have made, because we were spared. But I feel very strongly that anyone in this situation must be respected for the cross they bear and for the pain of the decision. Abortion is a harsh word for letting a child go when you know that they will only suffer.
Agreed, it is "ethical termination/loss", I believe.
I have had a "spontaneous abortion" (baby died after having a healthy heartbeat for 3 months) but it was not really abortion. Abortion is a technical term but I don't feel the termination of a disabled fetus can be equated with an unwanted pregnancy.
i have worked with mentally handicapped people my whole life, and i have a very hard time accepting what people say when they claim that these kids have a high quality of life. after the parents of these children died, or were unable to care for them anymore they get sent away to live in group homes for the rest of their lives. after the primary caregiver is gone (mom or dad) no one else steps up to the plate.
if this woman is in her 40's, i do think it is a reasonable decision she is making. she will be gone before that child, and the baby will need care for its entire life, i have seen this too many times to count, and i would do the same thing if i was put in her position. even with a supportive family, like i am sure you have, people seldom jump in to be caregiver after the parents are gone.
i dont think it was inappropriate of you to ask about adoption, but i suggest you dont push them to make the decision, i think it will put a lot of strain on your relationship any way it goes. if you adopt the baby, they may resent you for having the strenght to raise their child when they couldnt, and if they abort, you will resent them for taking away an innocent life, when you were willing to adopt.
i hope i am making sense, i do feel very strongly on the matter though, although i know many handicapped people with good lives, i also know many many more that will never have any sort of a life at all. if there was the risk of my child being one of the second group, im sorry, but i wouldnt wish that life on my worst enemy, so i certainly wouldnt put my child through it
I feel like they should have kept this private if they didnīt want the ones they told to become involved.
I understand you have the very best intentions, but consider the possibility that in their devastation, they are simply looking for support/comfort from family.
If you get other family members on "your side" in this issue, the family will most definitely suffer. I mean, whatever the turnout, this whole family will be demolished. I think it's okay for you to offer to adopt the baby, but you should not push. This is why people lie and say they had a miscarriage when they really had an abortion for a medical reason. It is easy for us to judge from the outside, but the truth is that no one knows what they would do under the circumstances.
Also, not all people who are born with Down's have the same outcome, and this is likely weighing on their minds. I know that most of us have heard parents of children who have some sort of syndrome or "disorder" who worry about what will happen to their children when they die or if something happens to them. I think that we all need to realize that we as a society are too individualistic to provide the optimal life for these individuals. Try imagining this child in a nursing home with underpaid attendants providing him poor care when he reaches middle age. It happens. A lot. Do you think that your SIL could stand that thought? No one knows what the future holds for them, and this is a very real possibility. Unless you have the extensive funds to set up an account for his behalf that would pay for the very best full time care, it is likely that this situation will at some time occur.
You also need to remember that these parents love that baby, and whatever they decide, they will mourn this child like no one who has lost a child can understand. This is a time that they need the love and support of their family, not judgement, especially from everyone at the same time.
I think you did a very loving thing, and gave the family an option they may not have considered. I wish you and them the very best, and hopefully this can proceed without an innocent baby losing its' life.
I also agree that the label abortion doesn’t really apply here, and I think it’ll be insensitive to the parents to continue using that term, so I won’t in my contribution here. This is such a sensitive topic, so I’m going to try to be as considerate as possible, but I’m going to be quite honest as well, so if anything I say offends you I sincerely apologise.
To be completely honest with you, unlike most of these lovely ladies here I do think it was out of line for you to contact them, especially with information on how rewarding a person’s with disabilities’ life can be. I don’t think they want to ‘throw him away because he’s not perfect.’ I think he’s their child and they love him and they’re in the process of making a very difficult decision and they probably have enough guilt/pain over their heads without and email about how fulfilling a differently abled person’s life can be.
But you’ve already sent the email, (and quite frankly, I think, intruded on their space/time to grieve) so all you can do now is stay completely out of it. I wouldn’t send any more emails or push, or even make comments about how you feel because this situation isn’t about how you feel at all. It’s about how they feel. If they’re trying at age 40, it must mean they really want another child, and I can't possibly imagine the pain they’re going through right now.
I’m terribly sorry for your personal situation and I hope that something works out for you and your family. You’re in my prayers.
That's horrible and makes me terribly sad. A friend of mine has a son with Down's syndrome and he is a ray of sunshine! It's a shame so many people abort babies cause they aren't perfect. Thank goodness our parents didn't abort us as nobody is perfect...
I disagree with others about not voicing your opinion and just providing support. This world has gone to **** in a hand basket because of views like this. what a shame... Just because something is legal doesn't make it right. Because someone may have a hard road ahead of them doesn't mean they should terminate a living human being. They might be surprised that the road wasn't bad at all and that they were rewarded with a wonderful soul in their lives.
People aren't disposable. That's all I'm going to say about that as I don't want to argue and NOBODY will change my mind on this issue.
BTW, you are a sweet, loving person wanting to adopt this precious child. I really hope they consider it.
