At this point I am so practiced in letting go of control, that when it came time to assert myself this morning, it felt foriegn. It felt like I might be doing something wrong. It wasn't wrong-- I stated my feelings honestly and lovingly. If I hadn't, I would have been stuffing my feelings down and getting walked over.
This is a new phase of my recovery. I have to learn the difference between times when something is out of my control and when it is clearly in my control to make a choice.
I'm sitting here thinking about if I would be feeling better if I had just let it go. No, I think I would be unhappy. These darn feelings. Seems I'll try to find anything to keep me from having to feel them. Thank God for program and that I know that eating or drinking won't make the feelings go away.
Today I really wish that I didn't live next door to my mother in law. Tomorrow I'll probably feel differently.
Ok Marny, tell me how to do it! It is SO true! I work so hard to let go and then end up 'letting go' of a situation that later realy upsets me, that I didn't react stronger, that I didn't stand strong and speak my mind, or even just stand up for myself! Later I say to myself, Christy, just SAY something!!! Oiy vay!
to you!!!
It's amazing how you can travel so far in life, learn so much, and still realise how much more there is to learn.
I called my sponsor. She reminded me of "live and let live". I'd forgotten that one. She asked if making the change that was requested of me actually changed anything important. Nope, it doesn't. She prompted me to pray about it. To ask God to let this be a lesson that would give me a light heart. She pointed out past similar experiences that I've shared with her, and prompted me to think about what I learned from them and my own patterns.
I wasn't getting walked over. I was asked to change something, and my old behavior patterns came in to play. The old thoughts of, "If she changes that, then she's placing more importance on it than she places on me." It's an old broken record that somebody put back on the player!
So, I prayed like my sponsor said to. Then, I felt moved to go talk to my mother in law about it. I told her that changing the time really doesn't change anything, and that if it was important to her, then I'd like her to do it. She's not going to make the change, but she shared how glad she was that I came over and talked to her about it.
My heart is light again, and I did learn. I'm also teary and weepy and feel like hiding in my bed. But, I'm not going to. I'm going to get my tail up and go to yoga class.
That's awesome Marny. It's good that you talked to her again and she was able to tell you that she appreciated it. It would be hard to live next to a mother in law but then you wouldn't be able to learn so many lessons about yourself I bet!
I had a bit of an emotional morning too. I sent out an evite to a few woman I wanted to get to know better for coffee this morning after dropping off the kids. I stated on the evite to feel free to add other women they thought might like to join us for coffee.
A few woman came that I didn't know. For some reason, I found it very awkward. We were trying to be nice to each other but the energy was thick and particularly one woman I just did not jive with. ???
This should be no big deal right? But I left a morning coffee that I set up to be a positive thing for myself feeling bad and emotional. Of course, all I care about it is what she thought of me.
How do I stop caring what others think of me!!!!!!!!! It's now 1pm and I'm still thinking about it from 9am this morning. I need to meditate on it.
Did you have specific expectations for the outcome of the morning coffee, or did you leave it up to God's will? Sometimes we plan out how things are supposed to go (control) instead of handing it over to God, and seeing where He takes us.
When someone makes me feel uncomfortable, like the gal did to you this morning, I try to remember that the person is most likely exhibiting behaviors that I don't like about myself. In a way, the other person is a mirror of myself. I try praying for the other person, our relationship, and that God's will is done.
I recommend reading the Big Book starting at the bottom of pg. 60 "Being Convinced" Stop when you get to the part about Step 4...if you want to. :-)
Those lingering feelings throughout the day are all too familiar. If I can't shake em, I do a spot check inventory:
1) What exactly happened?
2) Why did it upset me?
3) Who was involved?
4) How did I contribute to the incident?
5) What character defects did I exhibit?
6) Do I need to make amends for my part in it?
7) Then, I pray about it. I hand it over to God's care, and let it go. I make amends if needed as soon as possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I wish that I could have had coffee with you this morning. :-)
Marny - thanks for this. I have trouble standing up for myself and always feel that I have to make other comfortable instead of myself. This is something that is very hard for me and will need to address further in my recovery.
I find that I crumble in stressful situations, fearful that if I say what I mean (even if I don't say it mean) that I won't be liked. This will take lots of thought, mediation and prayer.
reading your posts i see alot about myself in your words. i think you girls are amazing that your working out all this. i really need to go to a meeting.
marny it was very couragous of you to talk to your mil. they can defiently be hard to deal with. i find mine has the tendency to walk all over me and i am working on being more vocal about my needs. there are times i have to say that it is none of her business or that i appreciate her help but i don't need to be told what to do. i think she forgets that joe and i are adults.
Hey everyone-
This is a hard thing to learn. Getting to where we can recognize what is truly happening instead of being clouded by feelings, fears, and food is HARD! Thank God i'm getting closer each day that I work my OA program.
letting go vs. getting walked over
Ok Marny, tell me how to do it! It is SO true! I work so hard to let go and then end up 'letting go' of a situation that later realy upsets me, that I didn't react stronger, that I didn't stand strong and speak my mind, or even just stand up for myself! Later I say to myself, Christy, just SAY something!!! Oiy vay!
to you!!!
