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Old 10-28-2006, 10:25 AM   #1  
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Default Not Such a Good Day 5 (Food Mentioned)

This is so hard for me to type. This is so hard for me to even say.
Day 5 was not so great. I didn't stay committed to my 3 meals. I ate 3 meals but last night at the mall I had some of my husband's pretzel, and knew it was definately a no no. Last night at 10, I had 5 crackers, and broke my commitment to myself.
It is so hard, harder than I thought. During the week, I was ok. Come the weekend and bam. I even went to a meeting yesterday afternoon.
I definately need a sponser because I knew I needed to call someone last night but didnt have anyone to call other than my girlfriend, and she said its ok, your human. I love her, and I know she understandis but unless you are an addict you really have no clue.
Anyway, I have only MYSELF to blame, and I will not let my disease make an excuse, deny or blame. I know better.
I had to come on and say this because I needed to say it to someone, and you know what? I am still powerless today, but I am going to still keep coming back!
Denise

Last edited by deebygrace; 10-28-2006 at 10:25 AM. Reason: spelling corrections
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Old 10-28-2006, 10:48 AM   #2  
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Although you ate when you were committed not to eat, you did not binge. Beating yourself up with negative self-talk is as destructive as five unplanned crackers. I am not belittling the importance of foregoing the first compulsive bite, but the REAL importance of not eating that bite is so that you don't binge overeat afterward. It sounds like you didn't. That doesn't make it "okay" to do that today, but it does make it a lot easier to put it in perspective and move on. If beating yourself up emotionally/mentally is part of your recovery, you are going to be in a lot of pain trying to stick with this. Accept forgiveness and choose better today. You know you will. You are committed to your recovery and you WANT health more than you want excess food. You can do it.
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Old 10-28-2006, 10:51 AM   #3  
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Denise-
The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful. It lurks in the dark corners waiting until we least expect it to slither out and get in our heads. It talks to us and tells us lies. Your friend is right--You are human. We make mistakes. But the great thing about being human is that we can learn from our mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them.

We're doing this one day at a time. So yesterday is over, and tomorrow isn't here. Today, you can focus on today. Today you can commit to abstinence and turn your will and food over to your higher power. Today is all we've got.

If I might make a suggestion...
I think it would be a great idea to write about what happened at the mall with the pretzel and the crackers. Write about your feelings, and what the disease was saying to you. Were you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? What kinds of tactics did the disease use to get you to eat? If you know how it likes to talk to you, you will be more apt to see it for what it is in the future.

This is from the Al-Anon book Courage To Change:
"We all make mistakes, but hopefully, as we apply the program and continue to grow in self-awareness, we will learn from those mistakes. Amends can be made for any harm we've done, and we can change our behavior and attitudes so that we won't repeat the same errors. Thus, even painful past experiences can help us learn to create a better future.
The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes.
If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with a program friend, I will interrupt the self destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view. With a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction.
Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgment."
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Old 10-28-2006, 12:07 PM   #4  
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Denise, thank you for sharing. As hard as it was, you did share and I thank you. I think my mind loves to look for reasons for me to feel shame and failure.

Lindy and Marny your posts are beautiful and wise!!
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Old 10-28-2006, 02:15 PM   #5  
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Denise,

Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us all. That's huge in itself! Admitting that we are powerless over food.

Don't beat yourself up! I love what Marny said, "We're doing this one day at a time. So yesterday is over, and tomorrow isn't here. Today, you can focus on today. Today you can commit to abstinence and turn your will and food over to your higher power. Today is all we've got."

We're there with ya! I'm going to a Halloween party tonight where there will be lots of food and drinking.

Here and now I am committing tonight to:
1) Eating one plate of food at the party and
2) One glass of wine.

The plate will not be a huge mound. It will be a "normal" portion. No grazing after my one plate. I will concentrate on having a good time with my family/friends, not food.

Charlene
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Old 10-29-2006, 08:27 AM   #6  
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Thank you for being there!!!!
I had to sit back and learn from this experience. Yes I have a disease. I would love to try and figure out how to do this so I can become a "normal" eater. However, I am not and will never be. I cannot take all my abstinent days for granted, thinking that I got this under wraps. Which is what I did, I thought, ok, I can do this. LOL!!!!
I cannot do this, which is why I have tools!!!!, that I must follow. Even on a weekend, even when I am outside, even when I think I have it all together.
I have learned from this, that I only have today!!!! I cannot live on yesterday's success because each day is a new day for my disease to try and knock on the dooor. My disease knows no boundaries, my disease does not play fair, my disease is not my friend, and cares nothing about my personal interests, my disease only wants to win.
I am so glad that I had this realization, and had it early enough to know that I cannot do this by myself. I need the wisdom of all the people who are also living with this disease. So I thank you all.
Just for today, I will not let myself get so off track with everything that I have to do, and not eat like I am supposed to.
Just for today, I will look to grow, and not perfection.
Just for today, I will utilize my tools, and heed the warning signs.
Denise
Marny,Charlene, Lindy, and Crispymama, thank you for putting things in perspective for me when I couldnt!
Thanks, I am very greatful for you!
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Old 10-29-2006, 09:54 AM   #7  
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Denise-
You are learning and growing-- there's nothing better! You wrote with clarity, and are now stronger from the experience of the other day. I love what you wrote about your disease. I sat here shaking my head up and down because it's my disease too. Those are my truths too.
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