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Old 01-29-2004, 02:18 AM   #1  
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Unhappy OK, here goes...

I posted this somewhere eise, but it looks more appropriate here.

I am looking for somewhere to find information on fighting this. i dont even know where to begin. I just walked over to the computer yesterday and started searching.

Well, here it is.....

HI Everyone.

I have been putting this off for a while, but I know I need to get the courage to fight this or else I am going to die. It is as simple as that.

I am 24, am 5'2", and weigh around 125kg. I dont know what that is for everyone stuck with the lbs system.

When I was 20 I had a serious accident and was bed ridden for a few months and havent been the same since. I am no longer allowed to exercise (I used to daily) alot and certainly not allowed to lift anything heavy.

After a couple of months I noticed I had added a quite a few kilos to my 50 kg body. I figured that this was probably expected as I spent probably 18-20 hours a day lying down, and certainly didnt do anything more strenuous than walk up the stairs to my physios office which took a look of effort.

Slowly I began to realise that I was no longer able to do the things that i had always done: clubbing 3 nights a week with my friends, mind-blowing sex, running around with my dog, along with the scarier things: vacuuming, washing, cleaning, grocery shopping.

I started to get really depressed. Now, I had always had a problem with food. I had learnt as a child that it was used as a tool for rewards and punishment. You got treats when you were good, and you got beans when you were bad. I was also banned from eating all the things that I now crave: white bread, chocolate, lollies, chips, cakes, McDonalds. And of course when you can eat them, it makes you want them even more!

I also learnt that you have to finish your plate before you can leave the table. So whenever I wasnt hungry, I learnt that you had to eat anyway in order to leave the table and do enjoyable things.

So I had a bad foundation which made the situation I was in even worse.

I began eating. A lot. I thought it would numb the pain of my now miserable life.

I would stop by the supermarket on my way home and grab a bag of junk food, and wouldnt even get to the car before ripping something open and devouring it. Half the bag would be empty before I even got home.

My car became the place where I would satisfy my ever increasing need for junk. It was so simple. I would go to the supermarket, get my food, go someplace quiet, gorge, dispose of the food, and then go home to my boyfriend.

Occasionally, I would really think about what I was doing, but the pain of my injuries and the pain of my new unhappy life would always scream over the quiet whisper of reason.

Then I found out that I had gotten epilepsy from my accident, and they put me on this medication called Risperdal. It made me put on about 5kg a week. I was only on it for a couple of months, but that couple of months was worth around 30 or more kilos.

So the cycle began. Depressed so I eat, eating puts on weight, weight makes you more depressed, depressed so I eat.

Fast forward 4 years to 2004 and I have put on 80+kg, my boyfriend just broke up with me (and i caught him looking at beautiful thin girls on the internet - more reason to binge), I am having to move in with my parents (did I mention that they are all incredibly slim and perfect?).

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 2 years, and I cant even be honest with him that I have a problem, probably because i havent even been honest with myself.

I keep telling myself that it is because I am more sedentary than I used to be, and my body doesnt cope. Sure that may be part of the reason, but I seem to forget the big part. My eating.

I dont eat well even when i am not bingeing.

I am tired of not having clothes that fit, and when you do find them they are all designed for the 70+ age group. I am tired of being to embarrassed to go out with my friends (did I tell you that I now have only a handful of friends left because they couldnt handle the fact that I am such a different person now, both inside and outside?), of not being able to fit on the seats of the bus, and having people stand rather than sit next to you, of having people stare at you constantly (in this decade, where there are more fat people than not), of not being able to eat in public because everyone watches everything that goes into your mouth, of hating summer because you are afraid of showing flesh, even a little bit of flesh (ankles, wrists ), of wanting to go for a swim, but couldnt stand the comments people would make of you if you did.

So I am going to finally accept responsibility and admit that I do have a problem and I need help.

My name is Lee and I am a compulsive overeater and binger and I need help.

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Old 01-29-2004, 07:51 PM   #2  
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Default Welcome Lee!

I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain You are no longer alone in this struggle. You will find many ladies here who have secretely eaten and pushed away their feeling with food.

Lee I invite you to join our daily thread on the EDS board, sharing your pain in the monthly step thread. Also when your ready there are many places to go online to find sponsors and on-line meetings. No more hiding, no more stuffing, no more shame is what I have found through the fellowship of OA and my higher power.

Much love and support,
Miss Chris
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Old 01-29-2004, 08:03 PM   #3  
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Lee, I'm glad you're here. We have all experienced the pain this disease brings. You're not alone.

Post often,
Jennelle
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Old 02-03-2004, 03:26 PM   #4  
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Lee, I'm sorry, I just saw your post today.
You're going through a lot of stuff, but like Jennelle said, you're not alone.
It's a big step to acknowledge you've got a problem... good for you!
Come and join us on the daily thread...
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