We admitted we were powerless over food-that our lives had become unmanageable.
I take this step in 2 parts. The first part being "We admitted we were powerless over food." What does that mean to me? Often I would be on the latest diet, of the week, month, year and something would happen. I would get bored, my DH and I would get in a fight, I would get a raise. Whatever it was I would decide I needed a "treat" . That one treat would usually end up in a binge then getting back to the diet, well most the time it just wouldn't happen. If it did it was never quite the same, and more "treats" would pop up over time resulting in more binges.
Last year I lost quite a bit of weight doing BFL in spite of my weekly food binge. As soon as I was off the weight was back plus 10 lbs. Your not suppose to spend 3 months losing 15 +lbs, to gain it al back in less than 2 months plus 10 lbs. Then I tried another BFL challenge, I couldn't get the food together at all, I was using the gym to purge everything I was eating. Then God slowed me down by breaking my elbow. This was my bottom. The food out of control, depressed because I could no longer purge at the gym, I had to find another way. God opened the door to OA, and all the past diets and all the pain came roaring out. I rebelled for the first week, bingeing while attending meeting almost everyday. Then I came to realize that this was my problem I was so unhappy, these people understood. My life was a portrait of someone who was powerless over food.
A single candy bar, a bowl of cereal, ice cream could set me off in a sugar haze of repressed feelings for days, months, weeks, and years.
I guess this is where the second part of step 1 comes in for me, "-----that it had made our lives unmanageable". I kept believing if I was thin things would be all right (I knew this was a lie, I had been thin before but it was only through the abuse of cocaine and excercise and no I hadn't been joyously happy). I had ignored my husband and son. In my deep depressions I had hid in my bedroom eating gallon after gallon of ice cream. I would ignore people at work to get my early evening binge in, and be annoyed if anyone disturbed it. My emotions were the perfect excuse to eat, and if I felt anything I was mired in the food. I was hiding from my life in depression, food, and sometimes drugs. My life has truly been unmanageable.
Why would I act this way? Part of it I am sure is the genetic inheritance of the A1 gene that controls the pleasure centers of the brain. It is often found in cocaine and food abusers. The other part of it, I never grew up. I used food from an early age to deal with my problems. I never learned that my emotions were okay, that I was okay. I would substutite food for friends, family, love.
Understanding all this intellectually is great, but for me its going to be through the Steps, God, my sponsor, and all the people in my life that will teach me to grow up, get real, and live a life thats about living not about food.
So thats my take on Step 1. Anyone else?
Miss Chris
I know that I am powerless over the food because when I binged I would force myself to eat even when I didn't want or like what I was shoveling into my mouth. I was punishing myself for not being a good enough mother, wife, teacher, sister, friend, whatever. I was keeping myself from feeling sad because someone I loved had hurt my feelings or snubbed me. I didn't deserve to have control because I was fat, ugly, could be hateful, unloveable on and on and on. I cringe when I think about what I must've looked like as I did this to myself.
What started out in my young marriage 14 years ago as an occasional midnight trip to the refrigerator became a daily occurrence last fall. I would do great on my healthy program of the week while I was at work during the day. But when I hit the door in the afternoon, it was another story. I would eat while I cooked supper. Then, knowing that I had blown it for the day, I would eat whenever I was alone in the kitchen. Out of boxes and bags and jars, I'd polish off the snacks I bought for the girls (always replacing them before anyone could notice). I could visualize myself stuffing my feelings down with that food and knowing that it was not going to help. But I couldn't stop. I looked in the mirror when I got ready for work and was disgusted by what I had become physically, but I couldn't stop. I'd look forward to nights when my husband wasn't home and the girls went to bed early so I could be alone with the food and wouldn't need to be so secretive. I resented it when someone would walk in the kitchen as I was getting ready to find something else to eat. I would be angry and snap at them, knowing that was sick and wrong.
I've never done drugs of any kind, but I did drink quite a bit in high school. I don't even do that anymore because I loved it so! I can't just enjoy the taste of a nice wine or mixed drink; I want the buzz. That unselfconscious euphoria and uninhibitedness it gives me. I've told friends before that I feel sure I could quite easily be an alcoholic if I let myself drink. I bet I would be the same way with drugs. I didn't know there was scientific evidence that linked addictions the way you described, Chris. I've just always intuitively known that I couldn't go there because I wouldn't be able to stop. I'm glad you brought that up. Food is literally my drug of choice.
This is all so sad. I have to stop now. I'm crying.
I wrote all that stuff down for my sponsor in Step 1 work. I did all that same stuff. Yelling at my son, so he wouldn't see me eat. How about picking a fight with my husband as an excuse.
And yes Christy you nailed it, Food is my drug of choice as well. Awesome, thanks for opening up so much.
I can so relate to you both in your reacting in anger at being interrupted by a family member when you're trying to "sneak" some food.
And Christy, the alcohol thing scares me, too. I've never been a big drinker... I didn't start enjoying wine until about the age of 23, and I've never been drunk. Never used any street drugs, either. But I enjoy a drink now, and I suspect that I could easily slip into the habit.
I've honestly thought of starting to have an occasional cigarette (yuck) in substitution for the food. Other than food, I don't know WHAT to have to give me that quick rush. I know it's killing me, but food is such an easy fix.
I thought of all of you this afternoon when I picked up a big bag of Doritos (I DID share them with the kids) and a bag of Bridge Mix for myself, but it didn't stop me from eating. I just thumbed my nose at your images and ATE!
My psychiatrist and I have just started working on this, and I suspect it started when I was a young teen. After school I'd buy a big bag of chips and several chocolate bars (or a bag of caramels) and go up to my room with a book. After eating several bowls of cereal. It was obviously an escapism from something...
Still today, there's nothing I like better than going up to my room with food and a book. But now I'm pushing 40, I'm overweight, and I'm concerned about my physical health.
Like you, Miss Chris, I never "grew up".
I just snapped at my sweet DH, and I know it's because I'm feeling terrible about what I ate today. He jokes about it when I binge, but it's just not funny.
I actually have always known I was powerless over food, but I never owned up to it until my first day of abstinence: December 21, 2003. How did I know? Here are some food snapshots from my life:
- When I was a senior in high school, I worked at an A&W. I was working in the kitchen one day and we were realllllly slow. There were two baskets of fries in the fry warmer, and I started munching on them. About 10 minutes later, I reached down to get another fry and they were all gone! I had eaten two baskets of fries! (That's about the equivalent of eight large orders.) I didn't even realize I'd eaten them all! A few minutes later, we got hit by a rush and I had to make more fries. A girl I worked with (her name was Wendy) asked me what happened to all the fries that had been there. I lied and told her I threw them out because they'd been in the warmer too long.
- When I was eight years old, I got busted eating margarine straight out of the tub with my fingers.
- I have been known to feign tiredness, illness, etc. so I can leave a gathering early. I used that extra time to stop at a convenience store and buy maybe a king sized bag of M&Ms and a Heath bar, and then eat it on the way home in the comfort (and secrecy) of my own car.
- My first two years of teaching (really, 1 3/4 years because I resigned in April of my second year) were horrible. Horrible school, horrible parents, horrible children, horrible administration...my disease started running rampant. I would eat school lunch in the cafeteria at noon. Then I would eat two helpings of those Grandma's Cookies before the afterschool tutoring program started at 3:30. Then I would stop at Sonic on the way home at 5:30 or so and get maybe a grilled cheese sandwich, a large order of onion rings, and a creme pie shake. Sometimes I'd want a dipped cone from Dairy Queen, so I'd get a Sonic Lemonberry Slush (44 oz.) instead of a shake and then stop at the Dairy Queen 25 minutes up the road for a dipped cone. When I'd get home, hubby would have usually already cooked dinner, so I'd eat a full dinner. Before I went to bed, I'd have a snack - usually crackers and American cheese. When I'd try to diet, the awful emotions I was having about my job would bubble to the surface and I'd start thinking suicide. That always scared me, so I'd eat so I wouldn't be scared. I gained 60 lbs. in my first nine months as a teacher.
Of course, I've had my anorexic periods, too. After an inocuous, teasing comment from a friend about the amount of Oreos I could pack away, I didn't eat anything for about a week. In eighth grade, I was 5'4" and around 140 lbs. I kept hearing how fat I was, so I went on a diet where I ate nothing but a peanut butter sandwich (no jelly) per day. If I was really hungry, I'd eat an apple, too. In about two months, I was down to 103 lbs. I got so many compliments, but looking back, I must have been skeletal! After one of my bosses told me that I could never be a federal agent (an old dream of mine) unless I lost weight, I stopped eating. I remember walking the 1/4 mile from my office to the base fast food place to get a diet Coke before my evening class started. I hadn't eaten in three days, and I almost passed out. When I got to the fast food place, I broke down and ate a plain baked potato. Then I didn't eat again for a few days. In all this, a common thread runs: I was still not in control - the food was.
Admitting I was powerless was tough. It meant I wasn't perfect. It meant I couldn't do it alone. It meant I couldn't be half-assed about my approach to abstinence. But it also meant I would get my life back. When food is your every waking thought, when you plan your life around what you'll eat and how you'll eat and where you'll eat, how can you possibly manage your life.
That is so me. I would starve myself if anyone said I was fat, but if emotions were in the mix it was off to the races. How many live like this? What do the call OA? It's not a program for those who need it, its for those who WANT it. Look what we had to do to ourselves to get there?
Sorry it took me so long to get my behind to this thread.
My disease reared its ugly head a few years after college, while I was in grad school. I was never a binger in the sense that I would eat a whole box of cookies or something like that. But I was a big time overeater. I would usually go to bed with a very full tummy, hating myself.
I ate to medicate myself. I worked full time, went to grad school, and spent 2-3 hours in the car every day in my commute. So my theory (like Chris) was that I "earned" the food. I would eat a high calorie dinner until I was stuffed. Then I'd sit around and yell at myself in my head. I was so hateful to myself.
I gained at least 54# after college in the span of 4 1/2 years. At least 25 of those was in 2001, the year of my wedding - most women lose weight for that, I didn't. In fact, my wedding dress was snug on me. I still looked nice and was able to allow myself to enjoy the day but during the weeks before the wedding I hated myself so much.
I was slowly realizing that emotions played into my eating but the day it screamed at me was 9/11/01. I was home alone (DH was at a film festival in Canada) and I watched the second plane hit the tower. That day I ordered and ate a whole pizza (my current diet had been Atkins then). I was so lost.
January 2002, after my honeymoon and at my highest weight, I started Bob Greene's Get with the Program. It dealt with emotional eating.
For over a year, the program helped me but I still was COE. I did a search for compulsive overeating online and came up with Kay Sheppard's plan. It's a 12 step plan but one that has a very strict diet to go with it. I attempted it but was triggered big time after just a week or so.
I knew I needed my HP to recover and that's when I came to OA, never looking back. I am powerless over food (or, rather, my behavior with food). I am obsessed.
But with HP's guidance, the 12 steps, the tools, my sponsor, this group...I am able to release that obsession. I am able to eat food and not overeat it. I am able to not eat as a reward or a punishment. It's so freeing.
Sorry this was so long and a bit of a tangent. Felt good to write, though.
this is just a real quickie, but I also am an emotional overeater, I think. Food is a huge part of my life, one which I share with many of my friends and also one which is a secret. I enjoy eating out with friends and family, but I also secretly eat when I'm feeling stressed or low or upset or angry. The reasons for my eating seem not very clear to me, but I guess that admitting it is a start.
I'm trying to change my life by myself to take control over this problem. I feel sure that I can manage, but I think that I have to find the boundaries of what I can and cannot control my intake of. For example, one of my most out of control foods is chocolate - when I start, I seem not able to stop until I physically feel sick. But, I can't even imagine taking it out of my life completely right now - however, i'd love that to be the case.
Anyway, my access to the computer is pretty limited so I have to go, but I'll be back
We admitted we were powerless over food-that our lives had become unmanageable.
There are several moments in my life that were red flags pointing to the fact that I am powerless over food – not just the numerous times I binged and felt shame, but the times when I got the message that what I was doing was more than just overeating, more than just the occasional “oops-I-ate-too-much” that everyone else had. I got the message that this was not normal.
When I was about 10, my sister who had gone away to college was visiting home. I was making myself some tea. I poured the cup about half full with sugar and then put the tea in. My overweight sister expressed concern about this. She even told our mom about it – I felt betrayed. But I thought, “What? You eat a lot too! You’re overweight!” Somehow this was a seed in my mind that what I was doing was different than eating for the pleasure of it.
A few years later, my cousin and I were visiting my Grandma for a week or so. When all the adults were gone, we decided to raid the cupboards. My cousin looked around and said, “oh well, there’s nothing here to eat.” I was like, “what? There’s tons of stuff, there’s a bag of sugar; there’s a jar of marshmallow cream, there’s a can of Quick. . .”and began to spoon out and eat the stuff right out of the containers. It was clear that her her cravings stopped at prepared food – that she could call off a raid if there was nothing that suited her. I was much less picky.
In high school (I must have been about 17) I was on a chorus trip. On the bus everyone had brought snacks. I was hanging out with one group. Everyone was chowing down but at some point they started making fun of me for eating so much. It was light-hearted fun – not meant to be mean . Instead of stopping, I just left that group and went to another until I thought I’d hit my eating limit with them and then found another – all the way around the bus. I remember identifying for the first time the feeling that eating controlled me – and there was nothing I could do about it. I remember wanting to stop and feeling like I couldn’t.
Then, when my husband and I were first married, one night I binged on shelled nuts. I stayed up all night with this box of nuts I had gotten in my stocking for Christmas, shelling them and eating them into the morning. I slept for a couple of hours and then woke up with aching hands. My hand pain never did go away – I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My overeating didn’t CAUSE the Fibro, but kind of tipped the scale at the disease that was waiting to show itself. After this incident, my husband, who also is an overeater told me that he couldn’t understand what would make me stay up all night just to eat. I knew there was something different about him – he is an overeater, but I am a compulsive overeater.
So, this is my life. I can’t fix it by myself. I can try 72 diets and I end up in the same place, with this compulsion. If there is food in the room - especially nuts or, I cannot stop thinking about them – they control me. I am plotting and negotiating how much I can eat (especially it is a social occasion – I’m trying to figure out who has already seen me eat.)
I learned something from abstaining from wheat and sugar in 2002 and then doing Atkins in 2003: it’s easier for me to abstain from sugar and carbs than to have just a little bit of them. While I am eating something high in sugar – while it’s just been put in my mouth – I’m already planning on eating more of it – already wanting more than I have available to me. So, my food plan (which I haven't settled on yet) probably will include sugar abstinence.
Angi - wow. I completely appreciate your situation. I have been there with my own demons. I hope that by talking (even just typing) about our problems we can see that we are not alone and that we can all get through this.
It's not just you or me, which is very important to know I think.
January: Step One Identifying the problem
I need to get it all down first - probably in my journal - and then I will post it.
So my theory (like Chris) was that I "earned" the food. I would eat a high calorie dinner until I was stuffed. Then I'd sit around and yell at myself in my head. I was so hateful to myself.
You are so not alone Angi!
