[dancingirl81]

It wasn't until tonight that I really realized that I have a problem. I like food... or at least that's what I told myself...

A few years back, I noticed that I hardly ever felt hungry. Somehow, that realization propelled me into a weight-loss course that got me to where I am today... a weight I've maintained for nearly two years... however...

I thought I was in control until tonight... I've been cutting myself some slack over the past 2 weeks, given the holidays and the extra food that's around (somehow that even accounted for the 13x9 pan of brownies I made the other night - I live alone, so who else was going to eat them? btw - they're gone...) Still, I allowed myself to believe I was ok.

Tonight, I got home from a no-show client and immediately thought about dinner. Decided to make dinner... didn't like the first one, so I made a second. (not a second helping, a second DINNER) It was at this point that I recalled my appointment with myself to go to curves tonight. What got me out the door? Curves is next to a grocery store where I could pick up a few things I needed to make dessert. So I went... worked out, and the only reason I didn't go in the grocery store was that it was 23* outside (and I had to go to my car to put my clothes away first...). Even so, I go in the car to drive home... I'm mid-thought about something I need to do tomorrow, and my mind yells "FOOD!!" demanding me to think about what I was going to get when I got home... for dinner! This is about when it hits me - I've eaten - TWICE - less than an hour ago. I get home, determined to finish my water from my workout, watch some tv... distract myself... and then it happens... if food was in sight or I had seen it, I ate it... not hungry... no reason... just because it was there. Since then, I've felt gross... and ashamed... mostly because this isn't the first time it's happened... but also because I knew what I was doing and still couldn't stop.

So what now? Where do I go from here? How does this stop happening so I can find the productive trail I was on once upon a time?

[queenie467]

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I've been there too many times. I make those special trips out to the grocery store! My problem is that where I live it's below zero and I haul a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old with me just to get sweets. How sick is that? I am putting my kids through **** for my own addiction.

I feel your pain and I am at 289 pounds right now. I'm disgusted with myself and where I am. This cycle ends today. We can do it together!

[Mizu]

Oh my gosh Queenie, I just happened to look down to see where you were when you said it was below 0. I lived in MN not 6 months ago before moving to the west coast! Crazy... both from MN and we both have the pop addiction. Ha!

[queenie467]

oh it's the lifestyle here, it seems like. I think everybody drinks pop all the time out here! Not sure what it is but pop is a huge addiction in MN. Maybe it's the Mississippi water no one wants to drink.

[marny]

dancinggirl-
You're in the right place. Get to an OA meeting. You will find that you are not alone, there's help, there's hope, and there is a solution.

[yummymummyOA]

I wanted you to know you aren't alone. I too have done the same thing as you. I've worked out hard on my eliptical machine only to plop down on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Was it to "reward" myself? Was the excercise not enough. I also am the one who does ALL the grocery shopping for our family. Pre-OA I would almost always grab something that looked good like some Pepperidge Farm cookies and snack on them on the way home. Before I would get home I would realize that I had eaten way to many for me to bring home and let my husband see. So, instead of stopping eating because I was full I would eat the entire bag so then hide the empty bag so I wouldn't have to face my husband and let him see what I did. What is worse is that I have done this while my 2 year old sits in her carseat in the back. What was I teaching her?! Thank God I found OA and that I can stop this addiction.

[Bikini Dreader]

Welcome to the group. I completely understand how you feel as I have been there and am currently working on this aspect of myself as well. There is a lot of support here and ideas. I hope you will see you are not alone. I have found this group to be very supportive.

hugs

[Angie2008]

Oh boy have I found my home... My husband always says that he feels bad for me... I eat less than him yet I'm the one that gains gains gains! Well, he thinks I eat less than him... I'm a total closet overeater! I hate it! The first thing I think of when I wake up is what I'm going to eat for breakfast and how fast I can eat it before he wakes up. I, too, go to the store and pick up something bad - start eating and then hide the evidence before I walk in the door. I'm always the one to volunteer to run out and grap something (fast food) so I can order more and eat some on the way home! I hate this yet I continue it!!

[dancingirl81]

you guys are wonderful... it just feels good to be able to be honest about my issues and not be judged...

Thank you for your support and encouragement... to me, it's definitely priceless