deserted by sponsor - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

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Old 10-24-2007, 03:33 PM   #1  
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Default deserted by sponsor

basically i just want to know if my feelings here are in any way justified, or if i'm overreacting. sometimes i can't tell when i'm sane anymore.

i came to OA about 2 months ago now, and really thought it was helpful. it took me a month to work up the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor, but i finally did. i chose someone who was older and responsible, who i thought made a great role model and was stable, blah blah blah.

she was sort of supportive, but nothing extraordinary. i'd have appreciated it if when i was out of contact for a few days, she'd have checked up on me, but she didn't and i guess its my responsibility to take initiative and contact HER anyway.

the thing is, she went away for a week, which she told me in advance. so, great, no prob, and i asked her to contact me when she returned to town. I heard nothing from her for a MONTH. yesterday, she sent me a one-line email that she would be at the OA meeting and hoped to see me there.

i don't know if i would have otherwise gone to the meeting, but i specifically DIDN'T go because I can't deal with seeing her. i don't think i can have her as my sponsor anymore. i feel completely deserted but it was so hard for me to ask someone in the first place, and i can't deal with coming out and saying "i don't want you to be my sponsor anymore."

i don't know... i'm kind of just a mess right now and have been binging for over a week straight.

Last edited by iriswhispers; 10-24-2007 at 03:35 PM.
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Old 10-24-2007, 03:51 PM   #2  
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I have been following the OA program for 12 years. Since those of us with an eating disorder have had problems with communication and, in particular, our feelings, the first thing would be recognize that you have avoided doing both as much as she has. First, I think you owe it to yourself and to this other person to communicate to her what you have shared with us. Second, think of getting a sponsor like you would buy a car. Would you buy a car if you had never test drove it? Wouldn't you kick the tires or check under the hood? Although, it would be foolish of me to "assume" I know this person's motives for their behavior, in the future if you are interested in having a sponsor (and it is not required by the way to work the program) meet the person first, ask how long they have been "abstinent", how often they attend meetings, find out if their personal goals "connect" with you. Third, don't give up on yourself. Binging is not going to get you "sane", thin or a sponsor but it will add guilt, shame and remorse to your soul and your body.

You can do it!
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Old 10-24-2007, 04:20 PM   #3  
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thanks... i have no idea how to face the concept of going back to a meeting or talking to my "sponsor" at this point, but i agree that it's best for all involved if i don't just ignore things. I just also know myself and know that i'll probably never set foot in a meeting in this city again. wow, i'm kind of messed up.

the car/sponsor analogy is a good point - funny thing is, i DID get to know her first. she used to attend meetings every week and i always talked to her after meetings and things were great.

again, thanks so much for responding!
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Old 10-24-2007, 08:16 PM   #4  
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Iris--Here's a hug for you. I want you to know that I can so relate! My sponsor and I have sort of drifted apart and now haven't talked in over a week. I won't go into a lot of details because I don't have the time, but I've been struggling with abstinence recently (basically, I haven't been abstinent now for a couple of weeks). I'm struggling with emotional and physical health problems right now which have led to compulsive overeating. I shared this with my sponsor and I was looking for support and instead she got upset with me. She's an old time OAer and has never broken her abstinence in many, many years. She never struggled with this and never relapsed. Obviously, she must not know how to help me in my current situation. I have just been so turned off by her lack of responsiveness that I stopped calling. She hasn't called to check in either.

Honestly, I'm struggling right now all around on program. I resent having to call someone everyday. I am rebelling against my food plan. I don't even feel like going to meetings or calling anyone anymore.

I keep reminding myself that lots of people relapse and get back on track. I don't want to be one of those people who disappear for years and come back in even worse shape. I'm trying to get my grips about me, but I'm struggling.

I can tell you that I'm taking my time in finding a new sponsor this time around. This one sort of fell into my lap, and I think now that I need to find the right person for me instead of just someone who is available.

Sorry I hijacked your thread. I meant to give you support and wound up ranting. Anyway, maybe you can attend different meetings for a week or so until you feel ready to face her. Even though I know we may not want to face it, ultimately it's probably best. I'm saying this for both of us.

Best wishes,
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Old 10-24-2007, 08:33 PM   #5  
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Maybe she wasn't really ready to take on the responsibility being a sponsor brings. I do think this special person would want to be in touch with you. Check in with you and give encouragement and ask how things are going.

I understand it can be hard sometimes to voice ones worries, fears, and disappointments. You need to go to that meeting and find someone else who is ready to do what it takes to be a sponsor.
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Old 10-24-2007, 09:49 PM   #6  
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thanks, ann and shy. ann, sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. best wishes for you as well!
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Old 10-25-2007, 02:47 PM   #7  
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Iris and Ann, I am sorry you're having troubles.

Being a sponsor is hard!

I have the experience of having a great sponsor but being a new sponsor and taking on a few sponsees myself has been a real learning experience. I've had some heartache over sponsees as I'm sure they may have had with me as well.

I bought a book that is a compilation of writings about 12 step sponsoring. It's simple in that it is just various musings of long time sponsors, their experience in sponsoring and what works for them.

What I learned from the book is that the range of how people sponsor is so huge and that gave me the freedom (and courage) to start to define my own style to help and support the best I can. Just like we create our own 12 step program and what works best for us.

So it really is okay if you and your sponsor are not a good match.

Working a ninth step is helping me to learn to share my feelings honestly instead of brood (and eat) over them. Make the call to your sponsor and you'll feel better. Program says we are not supposed to take it personally. It's hard not to but I guess it's part of growing.

Is there a "perfect" sponsor out there? We all have our imperfections which will probably show up at some point in the sponsor/sponsee relationship. If the intentions are well meaning to support the growth of each other as we go through program in our own special way, then some of the "little" personality things can be overlooked.

My two cents

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