Wow, this is really powerful. I am new to the forum. I have been working an OA program since September of 2005 and been abstinent from sugar and white flour since December 2005. I have recently moved from Colorado to Minnesota and I am trying to learn where I fit in; which meetings match me personality and work schedule. I tried a few meetings and during the one meeting I was attracted to the speaker's description of what it was like before she found program. I left the meeting and immediately made a phone call to discuss this. Part of me thought that my relationship with my HP was strong enough and I could continue abstinence through being involved in my church, but the other part knew that was not true. Thank God I had this knowledge. I had heard many people share how they lost program in a move. This will not be me if I continue to remember I am powerless and I need the fellowship to maintain my daily reprieve from food. The reprieve is contingent on keeping myself spiritually fit. I am so grateful for all the experience that has been shared. It reminds me that I am not alone. I have these same thoughts and I have to let them go. Thank you all for reminding me of the love and support that the fellowship offers.

I don't know how this all works; so if I need to do something differently please let me know.
Krisana

Hey Krisana-

I wondered if that was you...

Glad you're here!

A move is hard on every level, but you are reaching out. You are looking for a meeting that works for you. You've made it here. You are moving forward with program.

I am having a really good day today.

After reading chapter 3 of the BB I have had real revelation about this disease. Following are just a few things that hit the spot that may help some of you with step 1.

1. Loosing weight will not solve Compulsive Over Eating, we will always be COE even when we are thin ie, the Alcoholic is still an alcoholic after periods of sobriety. Just because we may be thinner the disease does not go away.
2. No person likes to admit they are bodily or mentally different to other people
3. Countless vain attempts to prove we can diet/eat like other people, got us no where (we used every form of self deception and experimentation trying to prove exceptions to the rule (ie that we are not COE).
4. We like the idea that someday we could eat/control and enjoy food like other people this is obsession of the COE (We pursue this to the gates of insanity).
5. All of us at times have felt like we were regaining control (periods of brief recovery) such intervals usually brief were inevitable followed by less control, which lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralisation
6. We can not stop COE with knowledge alone.

Awesome summary! I'd like to get it tatooed on my arm so that I can read it or point to it whenever necessary.

Good morning.

Ann-Thanks for the kind words last week about my son and me. Very thoughtful and encouraging. I've had some great moments with him since working living amends with him. With kids, they don't want to hear us talk smack, they want action!

KGB glad you're here and willing to be so honest. I loved your checklist.

Welcome to the newcomers and those coming back! It's nice to see the OA board hoppin' again.

My food was "slippery" on Saturday. We had guests all weekend. I got all the junk out of the house that others brought; it's hard to throw away food but I did it anyway. I also took a morning walk yesterday and today which makes my dog happy too

I have been a little preoccupied in my mind about losing more weight and the old diet mentality can creep in easily for me "If I skip a meal" or "maybe I should try the new *xyz* diet". But I know better. It's always about surrender for me and that's my focus today...surrender my food, crazy thoughts and just get on with it today

xo
Charlene

Today I'm feeling overwhelmed with it all. How will I do this for my whole life? How will I deal with life's ups and downs when my close friend "Food" is not around for me to lean on? How can I do this program and ever feel like a "normal" person? Is it all worth it?

I know, I know I need to take it One Day at a Time. It just seems so hard to do it sometimes...

What great reminders you all provide for me. We are all together struggling through this life. There are times that I wonder if I could eat like a normal person. I have found physical recovery and think that I could continue to follow my food plan but stop with the other stuff; but you all remind me that I need to do the work. Today I was in fear about a situation. I was nervous about what I was going to come home to experience. I called a fellow OA because I knew that I couldn't deal with it alone, said a quick prayer (because I got voicemail). My HP then provided a solution. He has a better plan than I do.
Krisana

Ann,
sounds like those thoughts are best conquered by using the tools. Good job on putting it out there and getting some support. We are all there with you doing this abstinences thing moment to moment. That is all we have is right now and it is a gift from God.

Hi Marney-
Glad to have this forum to connect with you.
Krisana

Ann-at one point in the beginning of my program I remember writing to my sponsor, "If I'm doing everything I'm supposed to then why do I feel like such crap?!!"

Here's a quote from OA book Voices of Recovery p.57
"Each day that we live well, we are well...one day at a time."
"Today I can plan my recovery and follow that plan to the best of my ability. I do the things that help me live well: being abstinent, exercising, meditating, writing, and maintaining social contact. I concentrate on what I can do, not on what I cannot do. With God's help, I can live the message of the OA program, one day at a time."

You can do it just for this minute, which turns into this hour, which turns into this day

Ann-

We've all asked those same questions-- you are so not alone.

I just deal with today. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I can't do anything about yesterday. What I can do is turn my will, my food, and my abstinence over to the care of God for today. I've done that each day, one day at a time, and I'm amazed that it's been nearly a year and a half.

Nope, I won't ever be normal. But, the sooner I surrendered to that, the sooner I could focus my energy on living in recovery instead of grieving over something that I never had in the first place.

People used to piss me off in meetings when they would say that they were grateful compulsive overeaters. I thought they were being smug, acting superior, and lying. Now I know the truth. If I wasn't a compulsive overeater, I wouldn't have program to live my life by. I wouldn't be open to growth, honesty, love, forgiveness, or serenity. Instead, I would still be angry, jealous, lonely, and hurt.

Have you read the promises lately? They rock, and they are true.

Hey Ann,

So glad you’re putting all that ‘change’ stuff out there. You’re helping me every time you do. Today, I’m glad I know the challenge letting go the food represents for me. No diet ever gave me this awareness.

I think the only chance I have to heal from all the stuff behind the COE is to first of all become AWARE. Today, because I know how I overeat on stress, for example, I’m making very different decisions in my life. I’m grateful that I can ‘show up’, be reliable and responsible. But I don’t take too much on these day. Well, not like I used to.

Yesterday, I went to my College Course Director, and had a very honest chat about my upcoming year. I had taken on an extra module in my English Lit arena, and I love it, and it means a lot to me, but I finally had to admit to myself that something else would have to take a backseat. And so I made a choice to ‘cut in half’ another module I’m not so hot on. It means I’ll be an extra 6 months in College, but that’s fine, once I let the obsession go to finish fast.

The University is always very flexible, it’s me who sets me up for perfection. And Ann – I have to eat when I do that. So it feels good to be willing to change. And I’m hoping that this will make me feel less ‘crap’ and stressed. And remain abstinent.

Ditto with family commitments. This coming Sunday, I’m taking a few days by the coast with my extended family – my brother is home from NY with his wife and gorgeous baby daughter, and I love that we’ll hang out.
But a few days is all I can handle! I love my family, but there’s a lot of chaos and food and drink and whatever-you’re-having-yourself!!! And not a splinter of recovery between them, God bless them all – and a few of them could do with a 12 step programme!!
But I have one. As has my lovely eldest daughter. So we will look out for each other.
Before, I would have been knee-deep in the whole thing for an entire week – and gained at least 10lbs in the process.
Instead, I’ll be posting on here before I go to ask you all for your help. I’ll be planning my food. I feel nervous already but so much more true to myself.
Have a good day.

Hey Bumps and Krisana and Marny and KGB and Charlene;

Just wanted to say it’s been great reading all your recent posts. And yes, these boards are hopping, and long may that continue.

Have a good abstinent day everyone.

last night i went to my first ever OA meeting... i'm so glad i found it. it is an unbelievably huge relief for me to know that there are other people struggling with the same things i am.


KGB, your revelations are SO true... and a bit disconcerting for me. Much as i realize their truth and acknowledge it as such, i still fight to believe (as you said... pursuing to the gates of insanity) that i am stronger and healthier than i really am. that somehow i can control myself and regain "normal" eating patterns. thanks for sharing.

Iris

Hi again, ladies. Thank you so much for all the support. It means to much to have you all here.

Today, my energy level is low, I'm grumpy and PMSing and I'm just feeling negative. I felt this way yesterday as well. That little voice was telling me not to bother, that I don't need OA, that I'm wasting my time, and that my issues with food are just so deep and I'll never work through them.

I'm trying not to listen to that little voice, but it's strong right now. I haven't broken my abstinence, but I am finding that I'm starting to eat my "on plan" food in much the same way as a binge. You know what I mean, eating fast, not enjoying them, eating with the hope that the food will make me feel better rather than for nourishment. Maybe this means that I am breaking abstinence since I'm eating in a compulsive manner even though I'm eating the foods I planned to eat and no sugar/white flour. Not sure about that one.

Last night after dinner, I found myself rummaging through the cupboards again. I was looking for some food that would satisfy me emotionally. Thank God my husband got home a bit early, so I closed the cupboards, passed him the baby and went to a meeting. I think it helped a bit and it certainly took my mind off food.

Anyway, I'm hoping this funk lifts soon. I want to feel good about this again. I hope to be back to provide you all with some support. I'm sorry I just don't have the energy for that right now, I hate that I'm making this all about me.

Your "little voice" is your disease! Give him a name and tell him to shut up. I say "him" because my disease's name is Mortimer. When I hear his voice telling me these sorts of things--this'll never work; this is too much effort; this is too hokey; this isn't worth it--I just blurt out (sometimes in my head, but sometimes out loud!) "SHUT UP, MORTIMER!" Mouth off to it! Tell it to shut up, tell it it's not helping, tell it that it's contribution is NOT required, tell it that there's no contributing from the peanut gallery. Have fun mouthing off!

It sounds like you did a good job of taking care of yourself last night, and I commend that. Hang on to your abstinence however you have to. Go to any length. It's easier to STAY abstinent than it is to GET abstinent. And all those other sayings that actually do mean something.

I need some advice -- in a bad way! I've struggled with this demon for ALL my adult life (I'm 58 now), and have yet to get it under control. Unfortunately, there are no OA meetings within 50 miles (or more) of my little OK town. How do I get started? Right now, if I could "just" make it a few days without binging, I would honestly feel my life is worth living. I wake up every day in that fog and cloud you've all experienced. Struggle through my day, promising I'm "going to do better". Then fail over and over again.
What do I do -- on my own?? There are not any counselors around here that specialize in eating disorders (not that I could afford them anyway).
Thanks, guys -- just typing these words gives me a glimmer of hope.