[marny]

Tonight I was at a gas station at 10:00 PM. I came outside of the little shop, and right in front of me was my alternate self had I not found OA. I saw a woman sitting in the front seat of a very dirty van. She was severly obese. Her hair was disheveled, perhaps not groomed for a few days. In front of her, she held a taco in a fast food paper wrapper. It could be my imagination, but I saw a crazed look in her eyes as she held that taco as close to her face as she could get it. She glanced at me as I walked past. This all took place in less than 5 seconds, but the incident is emblazened in my memory-- at least for tonight.

That's me I thought. That's me last year. That would be me now but for the grace of God. I remember those late night fast food runs combined with the mini mart runs for candy or soda or beer. I remember feverishly eating in the car, and not being able to shovel it in fast enough. I remember caring nothing about my appearance. I remember the need to soothe myself with something, but never getting enough to actually satisfy me.

I am thankful for these times when I can remember vividly what my life was like before OA. Just like the promises say... "I will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." Instead, I am given the gift of remembering, so that I don't become cocky, disillusioned, or begin thinking that I'm cured or can do it myself.

[Get n healthy]

Wow, maybe i am just premenstrual, but your post hit home with me and made me cry.
I know that woman in the van really well too....all to well actually.
It feels so good inside to go into a minimart for a bottle of water as opposed to a candy bar and coke.
Its important that you mentioned her disshevled appearance too. How when you feel that bad on the inside it shows on the outside as well. I know it does with me.
Thank you so much for your post.

[Reddalice]

I've felt this too... I wanted to hug her- in fear of assault charges- I hugged my girlfriend instead, and in her arms, I was reminded that ithat is a part of myself that I have let go in acceptance of a healthier more beautiful self that in inside and possible for everyone.

[charlenej]

I feel for that woman. I know her well too.

Running into mini marts at gas stations was something I used to do regularly (Hostess was my friend). I would sometimes buy two drinks to make it look like I was buying for two people.

Just when I feel a little cocky about my holier than thou eating habits, the urge, the smell of something, the thought of a certain food will hit me and remind me that I understand deeply where that overwhelming need for food comes from and I am no different.

Thanks for sharing Marny.

Charlene

[Reddalice]

And then after you where brave enough to stand being stared at by the cashier- you with your chow in hand.... you retreat and hide in the privacy of your car. It is sad isn't it? Marny, it is good that you recognize your old self... a third person perspective may be your bets friend.

[marny]

Getn Healthy-
Welcome! I'm so glad you found us. Yep, when I feel rotten on the inside, the outside just doesn't matter. It's the same with recovery from compulsive eating. I had to heal and recover on the inside before my physical outside could begin to change.

Reddalice- Howdy! Glad you're here.
What a great idea to hug your friend. I've had that urge many times too. I see someone who is in so much pain; I know what they're going through emotionally, physically, and mentally. I want to run to them and tell them that there's hope, there's a solution, and that I was once like them. But, I can't. It's not my job-- it's God's. He provides me with the oppportunities to share program when it's the right time.

Charlene- Hey girlfriend.
I stop by this same gas station every Tuesday night after my class to get coffee for the long drive home. Every time, the guy asks, is that it? It's like no one goes in for just coffee. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but what I hear in his voice is, "You aren't getting anything to eat? Why not? What's the matter with you?" This disease is in my head, and it talks to me in the strangest ways.

[hijude]

Thanks for the post. I need to look at my outsides. I do not put much care into my appearance though I am getting better. There is a lot going on here. On the inside of course. I have been like this a few years. Seem not to care what I wear as I am overweight. Got to rethink this. I like the sloppy clothes. Think I am hiding and I guess I am.
Jude.

[CrispyMama]

Hi all

I love your story Marny. One thing that I didn't expect from abstinence was a new intrest in my appearence. When I was younger I loved looking nice, when I had kids and was a stay at home mom it was easy to let all that go.

The problem was as the kids got older, I still had no intrest in my appearance. All I cared about was doing the bare minimum of work and eating. These last few months have woke me up. Yesterday when I was taking the kids on a field trip I dressed nice, did my hair and make-up. I even put on earings. I realised how this was now normal for me. I want to look as good as I feel.

[blender]

Marny and everyone - Thank you for the insightful thread. It's amazing how strongly this hits home for those of us with this disease. I completely relate to all of these comments, even the one about getting two drinks so the clerk thinks I'm feeding two people!

[Katz3]

I'm new to this, & I've never even talked to someone who could relate to my issues. Thank You for helping me realize that I can do this. Just reading the posts have made me feel better.

[marny]

welcome katz and blender!

Glad that you made it here.