I imagine this topic has been covered before, but I can't seem to find any threads, so I'd appreciate any links people can provide or personal experiences people are willing to share.
So, I got married about four months ago to the love of my life. We had to battle lots of obstacles to be together, including continental relocation and visa bureaucracy! We're very much in love and happily married. There's one problem, though. I've gained about twenty pounds since we started planning our wedding (despite efforts to lose instead of gain) and my sense of self-esteem is at an all time low. I've gone up and down with my weight recently and have really been struggling to get the weight off. I tend to lose a bit only to have it come right back on. I think I'm not trying hard enough and that's something I need to battle out, I suppose. However, my newlywed hubby and I have not been having as much sex as one might expect for newlywed couples and I know that my weight gain and my lack of confidence about myself have a lot to do with it. He's less attracted to me physically and my poor self-image lessens the rest of the attraction. He's supportive and kind to me in other ways and we are affectionate with each other. But, I can't help wanting a bit more passion in our marriage and I don't want to be the one standing in the way of it by self-sabotaging. I'm finding that because I can't stand my body and because I am so constantly failing in my efforts to reshape it, I can't stand myself -- so, it's no wonder he's less attracted to me; this compounds my feeling of failure and occasionally hampers my motivation.
How do you ladies cultivate sexiness, confidence, and self-love despite your weight issues?
I don't really have any friends and can't talk to my sisters about these things and feel foolish talking to my hubby about them, so I'm hoping to hear what others have to say on the topic here.
Ragdoll, I totally feel your pain. Some days I just wish I could love and accept my fat body as it is. But if you don't feel beautiful and you don't like your body and you have no reason to change your mind about yourself......well, you know what happens.
Here's what I do when I need to feel sexy NOW (since you can't lose weight overnight). I go online and look at pictures of fat women who I think are beautiful. Women who resemble ME, and who I respect and find attractive. It makes me more confident about myself! May I suggest a little awesome Google action? Try searching for fat fashion blogs. There is a whole world of stylish, gorgeous, FAT women out there vamping it up and being sexy and not caring what society says is "good" or "bad." I personally love the Fatshionista, and Gabi from Young, Fat, & Fabulous is my style / confidence goddess.
Good luck, my dear. I know you can find that sexy confidence.
I have to be careful here, because there is a very large soap box I could get on about this subject. To be brief, I think that sex and sensuality are so much more mental than physical, and I really think that there is an art to physical intimacy that so many people just don't appreciate.....
Okay, back to you.
You haven't been married long, and I don't know if you lived together beforehand or not, but I imagine there is so much adjustment that comes with seeing each other every day. It is stressful. Even if the stress is good stress, your body (and his) can't tell the difference. It just sees stress.
That being said, is it possible that your husband is reacting to your low body image issues, and is just not sure what to do? Maybe he is as worried as you are (about himself).
First, just B-R-E-A-T-H-E. You have plenty of time to explore and learn with and about your husband. You also have time to learn about yourself.
The scariest thing for me continues to be lights on and looking at myself "au naturale" in the mirror. To get past it I light candles and look in that wonderfully subdued light. EVERYTHING looks sexier in candlelight.
After 5 years, I trust my boyfriend, and trust that he loves me and is attracted to me even though I don't always know why. That has gone a LONG way to help increase my confidence in many ways.
I totally agree with callmekaty and say look at beautiful women who are overweight. If you look at really sexy, sensual women, there is usually "something" about them. Sensuality and sexiness is not about a "size" It is about the way you carry yourself, and engage yourself in the world around you.
Mostly, just remember, that the Love of your life PICKED YOU!! YOU are the one he wants, the one he loves. Carry that with you. Good luck and trust the love you share.
It's hard... I know. But like they said above... he chose you for a reason, he loves the INSIDE you. He might be adjusting to your new outside, but he'll roll with the punches if it means he can be with you. I don't think its as much about him not being attracted to you as it is your shrinking confidence and sexuality. Guys are turned on by women that want them... if you don't want him, because you feel so self conscious about yourself, he can feel that and probably feels rather confused himself.
All self esteem stuff aside.... take everything off the back burner and put your health and diet into high priority. Take care of the problem. Quit mourning what was, what could be, and DO IT. Amp up your exercise level, research healthy eating (easy to do on here!) and go for it! Its not easy at first while learning, but you'll get the hang of it... I daresay many of us on here are more than willing to help you out.
You know... I met my boyfriend online four years ago (he's from another country too, I dated his high school close friend who I met here which is how we met) when I was nearly at my all time high weight. About two years ago, we decided to bite the bullet and go for it, despite the 7,000 mile distance and I knew that I didn't want to meet him for the first time looking and feeling like I did. I took control of my life, came on here and learned how to calorie count and haven't looked back since. I went from 240 to 196 before I met him and he loved me. But... you know what? He says, and I believe him, that he would have loved me anyways if I hadn't lost that weight.... because I'm ME... and he's HIM.
Still, I don't regret it because I feel amazing and look way better... and I've probably extended my life quite a bit! Or at least it's quality.
You know what you could do? Surprise him!
Go out and buy yourself some sexy lingerie.
I know how hard it is to accept how you look.
Sometimes all it takes is nice clothing, some
sexy underclothes, and support to gain confidence.
I use to wear skinny jeans and felt HORRIBLE.
Then one day, despite the high school trends,
I went out and bought me some nice dress pants
and I felt GREAT!
You want more passion in your marriage? Then
do something completely unexpected- like a surprise.
I agree with the others, he married you for more
than just your physical appearance. He's always
going to be there for you through your hard times
and good. Good luck and I hope it all works out!
First off, I wouldn't worry too much about "we're not having sex as much as newlyweds should." That just puts pressure to have sex X times a week or however you think about it. Then it feels like a task that must be accomplished which sucks the fun out of it. I made this mistake with my fiance and I. He just got back from Iraq a little over a month ago, and I thought we'd be going at it for like a week straight. But ya know what? I think we did it once that whole first week. Things kept getting in the way, work, jet lag, us both being tired, etc. I was mortified, and I spoke to a close friend who has been married to a soldier for over 10 years. She just laughed and explained that it was completely normal. I had expected a passionate hollywood-worthy reunion, and what I got was reality. I expect the same thing will be true when we get married in December. We're getting married, immediately moving to a new state, he'll be in a very tough Army school for 6 months, then we'll immediately move again after that...quite frankly, I don't think we'll be having a hot steamy first year as newlyweds. Life just gets in the way of our hollywood expectations. Just don't pressure yourself to "meet a quota," so to speak. Let it happen when it happens and enjoy it.
Thaaaat all being said, I don't want to downplay the body issues, because I know how real that problem is. I have struggled with extreme body issues since I was little, and being naked in front of somebody is a very scary thing for me. Looking at and finding the beauty in other attractive women of my shape helps some. Candlelight/dim light helps some. A new sexy "outfit" helps some. But what really helped me work through it (and I still am, it's a process...being thin does not necessarily make body issues go away) is being very honest to my guy and telling him what I need. I told him I am very body conscious, I obsess over my flaws, and I need to tip the scale into the positive direction, with his help. For every negative thing I think about myself, I need to think of two positive things. That's where his help comes in. It sounds vain, but I *needed* him to tell me I was beautiful, that he loved such and such part of my body, that I look great, etc. I wasn't necessarily fishing for compliments, I just needed verbal confirmation that he appreciated my body. And I had to tell him that I needed that, and it took some practice. Now I can wear my undies around the house in broad daylight and not even worry about it because I know he thinks I'm a hottie, haha. He has told me so.
But everyone needs different things. For me, it was the verbal communication about what he specifically liked about my body. That may not do it for you, but if there's something he always did that would make you feel secure and loved and beautiful, you should straight up talk to him about it. He doesn't know what you need, but he loves you, and I'm sure he'd be willing to try once he knows.
Also, doing good things for myself makes me feel more beautiful. If I get all my exercise done and stay on plan, I feel beautiful. I loved myself that day and I am worth loving. On the otherhand, being a couch potato all day and eating things I know I shouldn't makes me feel...gross.
Men look at women very differently that we look at ourselves. We tend to start at "average" and subtract for all the flaws we see. Men start at "average" and add points for all the good stuff they see. And they enjoy the looking and feeling the good stuff, and don't even think about the less good stuff. They are just happy with what they have.
Thank you all for your supportive and helpful comments. It's actually nice just to be able to talk about this kind of thing. I'm in LA, where everyone is supposed to be skinny and sexy and larger than life and always performing up to Hollywood standards and living here (been here for about 7 years, but Houston is home for me) while being fat has definitely wrecked my self esteem and confidence. I'm learning to get over it very slowly, but I'm having to face tons of emotional issues along the way. I guess that's par for the course, eh?
You all have given me a lot to think about. Most importantly, though, it helps me to know that I'm not totally alone in this journey and that these are things that others have also thought about and not just personal failures. That you all were willing to take time out of your lives to respond to something I've written has been a demonstration of kindness. I'm new to forums and have few friends, but I feel better about my situation already.
@callmeKaty -- I have never heard of fat fashion blogs, but I like your idea! I think I'll look up some of these blogs and try and gain some perspective on this. Thank you!
@vdander24 -- soapbox speeches are welcome and you can always PM me, if you would like; this is an issue I am definitely contending with. I agree with you that there is a substantial distinction between sexuality and physical intimacy; cultivating one does not always reflect immediately on the other and both do take some effort to own up to, I think. I recognize that my issues are mostly emotional, here, and that because I feel repulsive, I am having a hard time channeling anything else and I'll need to focus on recognizing that rift and how to bridge it.
Hubby and I didn't live together before getting married, but we have been together for 6 years -- much of it long distance and some of staying together in vacation mode for months at a time as we were living continents apart. He was in the UK and I was on the West Coast in the USA and for a year and a half just before the wedding, we weren't even able to visit each other because we were stuck waiting on bureaucracy about the fiance visa; thank God for Skype, but, it sort of puts physicality in limbo and it creates a problematic structural tendency for handling desire which I suppose has to be overcome. During the stressful time of planning and being in visa limbo, I gained about 20 pounds (no small amount) and this bothers us both for different reasons.
However, I really like what you are saying about stress and adjustment. We are definitely getting used to living together and reconciling very different attitudes about physicality, spending money, housekeeping, and labor. I think we are both under a lot of stress. In some ways, I imagine that I am fixating on the weight issue because it's a convenient physical target and not focusing on the other elements that are part of building intimacy on dual planes of experience. He comes from a background in which physical labor, hard work, resourcefulness, and practical skills are valued, while, I come from a background in which scholarly labor, leisure time, ingenuity or creativity, and educational prowess are valued; this polarity seems to manifest itself in everything! He's very much in the real world and I'm very much in my own head, so he tends to be able to manage his body and its fitness with ease, while it's very difficult for me to work around conceptual structures in order to be physically aggressive in my fitness regimen (jock vs nerd). In many ways, we're adjusting those frameworks, as well. I try to "work hard" by diplomatically managing the place of a problem in my life and he by confronting the problem head on; so, he sees my attempts at losing weight as lacking in force and lazy and I see his disdain as hypercritical and insensitive. When he can shed 5-10 pounds in two weeks just by cutting out soda and chocolate and chips, while I have to spend hours on a treadmill each day to achieve less than half those results (which is why I give up and start again, so often!), I get frustrated. To him, it just looks like I'm not trying hard enough or being disciplined enough, while I just feel like I am constantly punishing myself with no reward in sight. I feel like a failure all the time, even though I know that logically, it takes time for the weight to come off, so I guess that's apparent in everything else. Your post makes me think that in dealing with my own emotional relationship to these big changes in my life and my goals, it's not about merging our perspectives and attitudes, just balancing them, and I need to judge my actions by my standards and recognize that those standards and ideas are in flux. Hearing your take on adjustment and stress is comforting and suggests that I need to reflect more on how these elements are inter-related.
I know he loves me and I don't doubt this, but the issue for me is making sure he desires me, as well. I think this is as much about attitude as it is appearance. Lingerie and lighting, I've tried. We have lots of dynamic lighting in the home and that does help sometimes, but it's been at least 20 pounds since I've been able to tolerate myself in front of a mirror -- "au naturale" or in any other way. Your post suggests to me that I should work on this. Self esteem has been a problem for me for a long time and it seems to be exacerbated by this weight issue and this in-flux negotiation of ideals. But, you're right that sexuality is more about how you carry yourself and feel about yourself than how you actually look. Thanks for those ideas and the avenue of inquiry they suggest.
@starfishkitty -- So true that attitude makes a difference. I think that when I'm actually able to capture his interest, it's because I express my own, so I think you're right that guys are turned on by women who want them. In some ways, though, I want to be wanted not in reciprocation but spontaneously; like, I want to know that he feels a way about me and isn't just responding. When he's distracted and elsewhere, I automatically look for flaws in myself and the biggest one is my lack of fitness! So, when I'm always the one taking the lead, I start to feel like something's wrong with me and I know he doesn't like that I've gained weight, so I fixate on that.
I appreciate your comments on focusing on the present. It's easy to wallow in regret or wishful thinking, but if they don't lead to action, that's a problem. I think that if I stay committed to exercising and eating right, I will feel like I'm doing something to fix the problem and maybe that will help me build some self-esteem and not dwell on the negative. I have a tendency to "live in my head" and sometimes, real-world action is evasive to me. Your comments speak to my situation!
I like your online to real life story, as well! I agree with you that love comes from accepting the person and not the physical form of that person. Sometimes, reconciling love and desire is a little tricky. However, focusing on the positive as well as the present seems like a great suggestion. Thanks!
@Ciao -- Thanks for the suggestion of surprises and trying new things! I've got drawers full of lingerie, all new and bought just before the wedding and I do try to be spontaneous with it. What makes a lot of sense to me, though, is the dress pants vs skinny jeans comment, here. I think that maybe cultivating self esteem might have a lot to do with accepting oneself in the present instead of criticizing anf judging the self in counterproductive ways. Maybe I should reconsider my wardrobe and see if that helps my self-image; I'm sure that will go a long way to feeling better about myself while I'm trying to fix the things I don't like.
@Shmead -- Hmm. I never thought about it this way. Thanks for the perspective on evaluative appraisal.
@mkendrick -- Thanks for the perspective on comparing against externally framed expectations. Instead of trying to live up to some imaginary standard, I should just examine what is and isn't holding up to my own life. You're so right that sometimes, life stress just gets in the way and that is normal. I imagine that being a soldier comes with lots of stress (both good and bad; I imagine that you must recognize his heroism just as often as you worry about him) and it's good that you have others to talk to that have been through those things, too! My hubby isn't a soldier, but he is in a physically combative field in a very different way; as a boxer, he comes home physically exhausted and achy from his training often. Just hearing your own experience about balancing expectations vs seeing reality is comforting and helpful. It sounds like you guys have a lot of big changes coming up in your life, too, but it looks like you've got a good sense of perspective about it and a good support network, too. I guess there's nothing wrong with not having a hot and steamy year one, is there? I'm trying to finish my doctorate which is a ton of work and he's adjusting to life in a new country, plus, I'm trying to deal with serious body reshaping and he is training in a competitive and exhausting physical sport as well, so I guess it's important to focus on those elements instead of just comparing to cultural ideals. Thank you for the reality check
I think it's great that you were able to express to your fiance what you needed and that he was responsive to it. My hubby thinks that if he's "propping my ego" as he sees it (not how I see it), then my self-worth isn't *self*-worth, so he is reluctant with his praise and excessive with his criticism or silence. He values "toughness" and "strength" and sees them as coming solely from the self if they are real and it seems like he sees my weight issues as related to a weakness in those respects, so he doesn't want to enable those weaknesses (I tried talking to him after reading your post). I guess I just have to remember that part of losing weight is overcoming those body issues, too. I know what allowed me to get to this size, but I'm going to have to confront all those demons as I try to get to a different size and I think that's a journey I have to take on my own, I guess. Your implication, that the journey is a personal one regardless of support structures and communication, makes sense to me.
Please forgive my flawed formatting. Still learning how to navigate these posts and reply to them.
Self-Esteem, Sexiness, and Weight Issues
