Cheers for each step forward, Jessica! I remember fondly each time we crossed some barrier toward sane living with our two. (And I share Dagmar's laugh at gates for the girls instead of the dogs. That one belongs in some book of Unexpected Tips for New Moms.)
Snow is falling; twelve inches predicted. I wait with my hand on the throttle of my new snow thrower.
Bill, I am really jealous of your new snowblower. Our little old blower has a tired pull start that is really cantankerous in cold weather (below 25F) - only DH has enough "yank" to do the job. And he's not here til Friday. Our two inches of snow is shaping up to be more like 5. I went out to shovel out the bottom of the driveway and a professional plower stopped by. I paid him $30 to turn it into a doable job, and I am grateful as all get out. 150' of driveway, with a single shovel, is intimidating. Time to start shopping snowblowers. After all, spring has to get here eventually. Doesn't it????
Working in a blizzard today - greasy roads, no salters or plows out yet, and a bunch of idiots in their gargantuan 4 wheel drive tanks expect me to be able to drive like they do in my little Hyundai. I watched, with a great deal of satisfaction, as 5 of them all cracked into each other in front of the middle school they were frantically ferrying their progeny too - late as always and speeding on a tiny road with parked cars on one side and illegally stopped tanks on the other. No one hurt and I slowly manouvered my little Hyundai (which I drive with care and caution due to the weather) the other way to avoid all of them now stopped all over the place.
I fear that I may never drive into the office in CT again, as we keep experiencing snowstorms on Sunday-into-Mondays and Tuesday-into-Wednesdays. I will live forever under a form of house arrest, working furiously at my laptop, except when pulling on snow boots and walking one block to my gym, which miraculously has maintained its regular hours and nearly all of its scheduled classes through all the beatings the weather has been giving us.
Today I've got to pull together a coherent assessment of the new Microsoft CEO from a huge email thread with a lot of internal debate.
If I'm good, I will focus closely on that thing and not duck my head in here the rest of the day, not till I've been to spin class tonight.
saef, I read this on Twitter: "Satya Nadella looks like what MS would come up with if they had to design a Steve Jobs". Personal remarks are so rude. Does it help at all?
Hi guys - just needed to "talk" here for a minute. I got into work this morning and found out that one of my client - who was schedule to graduate in 2 weeks - died of a heroin overdose last night.
I have been just devastated over this - he has been clean for so long and appeared to have his life in order and now he is gone.
I feel like a complete failure - like I should have been able to say/know/do something for him.
I just got off the phone with his mother who was completely blind-sided like the rest of us and she is looking for answers which of course I have none....
Oh Jen. I'm terribly sorry. I don't have words. Obviously you know you aren't to blame. You've been working with these people long enough to know how powerful addiction is. I'm just sorry.
Jen~you cannot blame yourself. Don't feel like that at all. The addiction is one thing but there is that huge problem with some heroin having fentanyl added that has caused dozens of deaths. Take care.
Jen, my dark, twisted relationship with food has, I feel, given me some insight into this state of mind.
At my lowest moments, it was the most selfish feeling in the world, entirely about the here & now, with me hurting myself to quiet the noise in my head, suppress the rising anxiety, which I couldn't bear to sit with -- and no other human being in the world could've made a difference, distracted me, soothed me or saved me.
That is a terrible responsibility to place upon oneself. You don't want that.
Mourn or grieve, as this person had a heart & soul, so he deserves that, but don't engage in self-reproach, since I think we are lucky if we even have a strong influence over one other person in the world -- never mind saving scores of them.
Intellectually I know that some people die of this horrible disease called addiction. And I have lost clients before.
But even in my darkest person moments, I have always believed that I am very good at my job. And this client and I had a lot in common - he was a runner - we ran in races together. I met his mother at a race and she took a picture of us together with our medals.
So WHY didn't he talk to me? Why didn't he reach out? What could I have done that he would have made a different choice?
I posted frankly on my work Facebook page that I felt like I had failed him. Ex-clients wrote that I had saved their lives and some people just can't be helped. It hurts my heart in too many ways to adequately explain....
Just sending supportive hugs Jen. I know that intellectually knowing something and what is in your heart aren't always the same but cling to all the words of those you have helped.
Jen--as someone with long-term sobriety, I know how awful it is when people in recovery decide to go out and drink/use. And yes, some of them die. I can only guess at how much more awful it must be if it is someone you have worked with as a client.
Here's the thing, Jen. Recovering addicts don't "accidentally" use again. It would be like me accidentally finding a bottle of alcohol and drinking from it by mistake. That's not how it happens. So somehow and for some reason, he was planning it. He would have to have been, unless things have changed and heroin drops out of the sky now.
The addict in recovery who is planning to use again isn't going to tell anyone beforehand. Why didn't he tell you? Because he didn't want you to know. It's no more complicated than that. If he'd told you, you would have tried to stop him. Obviously he didn't want that to happen.
You didn't fail him, Jen. He exercised his power of free will. He probably didn't plan on dying--he just thought he would get high and feel good. He forgot all about the program, all about the consequences. His addictive mind told him a lie, and he believed it.
I agree with what saef said--grieve the loss, but don't make it your own failure.
Jen. I second all that Jayell said. As someone else who had a long "battle with the bottle" addicts don't use/drink by accident. We make a conscious choice. And your client made it with a substance that can kill very easily, particularly after people have been off it for a long time and don't know what they are buying or how much their body will tolerate.
Grieve for him but don't put his death on your head. Addicts are very clever at hiding and lying - as I know from personally doing both for many years. And while we are getting high nothing that our support people have done for us matters. That moment trumps all else.
I really "brought it" yesterday at work. I was proud of myself for getting through a day of blizzard conditions, getting all the dogs out for an actual walk (rather than a potty break) and then going back out and doing a dinner walk with one dog. And I and my car are still in one piece - remarkable given all the people I saw sliding around on the hills where most of my driving takes place.
I was hoping for a "job well done" or similar from DH when he got home.
There's a lot going on at DH's workplace at the moment and I appreciate that he's distracted. But when he came home I could see that it was going to be all about him. SIGH.
He knows what he has to do but is not doing it. He's stuck and is sulking. So when he goes out to get treats and asks me if I want something I say yes.
After dinner old habits came to the fore. I sat in front of the TV eating candy, which I didn't even like or really taste. I keep rewarding myself for getting through these stormy wintry days with the wrong thing. But in the evenings I'm so depleted of energy that I want to eat sugar straight our of the bowl.
I have to start making the reward a healthier thing, even though I crave sugar. I have fruit but I don't eat it.
Tonite, after wading through about 10-12 inches of new snow all day and trying to find parking on streets covered in snow hills, I will eat fruit.
Someone please remind me about above and me around 7 p.m.
Jen. I second all that Jayell said. As someone else who had a long "battle with the bottle" addicts don't use/drink by accident. We make a conscious choice. And your client made it with a substance that can kill very easily, particularly after people have been off it for a long time and don't know what they are buying or how much their body will tolerate.
me around 7 p.m.
