The thing about DH is that he does pay his share of the bills. And he's basically the only human contact in the flesh that I have. He has his boneheaded moments (this job thing is one) but he can be trusted to ante up when it's necessary.
I have done some serious shopping around on dating web sites. For women over age 50 (I'm gonna be 55 in a month) there is totally no choice. Given DH or the deep blue sea I'll stick with him. I guess I should stop dissing him here. I wasn't really looking for sympathy - just venting.
He and I have moved from a holding pattern we've been in for years to a time of upheaval and change. We are both anxious people who don't like a lot of risk but we have to take some now. I just don't want to put on 20 lbs. while we do it .
Well I maintained my bad habits at step-daughter's Super Bowl party with plenty of guac/sandwiches/dips/pasta/egg salad/hummus/chips/chips/chips/chips...
and wine...
teeth are still a little purple....
But what a good game...and for once I thought the half-time show was fine...and I am not a Madonna fan.
DAGMAR...it's all about respect...if you have that from him and for him then you can work issues out....if you don't have that....well...you got nothing really. I really think you need to keep posting and venting here, as you have said, you have no other place to do so. You may not agree with everything we all say here but...you do know we love you here!!
And, as I recall from last year, your FB birthday is this week!...wink
MEGAN I think the last time I had Shake and Bake chicken I was a teen-ager! How is it these days?
Angie and I get the Fischer & Weisel Raspberry Chipotle sauce at Costco and just put it over chicken...awesome!!
For women over age 50 (I'm gonna be 55 in a month) there is totally no choice. Given DH or the deep blue sea I'll stick with him.
Please keep posting, Dagmar.
About the deep blue sea. Living alone and not being in a relationship means you can do what you like. It gives you a lot of space in which to unwind and pursue things which you like and are interested in. Of course, you can do this if you're in a relationship but, in my experience, the sense of space is quite, quite different. Women don't need men to get along and many, especially after being in a difficult relationship, find they enjoy unwinding on their own. It also, of course, gives space for unexpected things to happen. Opportunities present themselves in a way in which they don't if your life's running on tram rails.
About the deep blue sea. Living alone and not being in a relationship means you can do what you like. It gives you a lot of space in which to unwind and pursue things which you like and are interested in. Of course, you can do this if you're in a relationship but, in my experience, the sense of space is quite, quite different. Women don't need men to get along and many, especially after being in a difficult relationship, find they enjoy unwinding on their own. It also, of course, gives space for unexpected things to happen. Opportunities present themselves in a way in which they don't if your life's running on tram rails.
Until DH came along I was mostly alone. I went on ONE date in high school. During my 20's I had a long string of mostly one night stands, mostly picked up in bars while I was very drunk. The longest relationship I had with a man (before DH) lasted about 2 years. That particular man cheated on me, never held a job more than 6 months, pulled a GUN on me, and lured me back to him after I left by getting a puppy. Then I walked in on him cancelling our phone as he was moving in with another woman in a week and hadn't bothered to tell me about it. At least that got me out of the relationship.
In comparison to all of the other men I've ever been with DH is a prince. To most of you he must decidedly seem a frog (compared to your life partners) but from my perspective he is a keeper.
He just drives me sometimes and I vent here. I have no "face-to-face" girlfriends so I post here. It keeps me away from the food (and drink).
That's easy to understand, given your relationship history, Dagmar. But keep in mind that your idea of "normal" relationships is skewed. It's kind of like you're settling for the "least abusive" person you know, rather than seeking someone who is not abusive at all.
You tell a sad story about how he's all you've got, but that's just a story. The more you tell it, the more it takes on "reality" until you have plenty of "proof" that it's true. But it's not!
I think you have trouble making friends because you're so enmeshed with DH that on some level you're just not available to others. I'm talking about friendship, not even romance. Other people can sense this, even if not consciously.
If you are committed to continuing to live with him, then I'd say you really need to look outside that relationship for your stability and emotional needs. He's not likely to suddenly start being a responsible adult--and you can't make him!
I guess another way of putting it would be, shift your primary focus to other things and other people, including yourself, and stop focusing so much on DH and his foolishness. It's not going to get any better.
JayEll You're right on some points. But I've never had any success at making friends - that started in middle school when I was around 11 years old. And my definition of abusive is different than yours I think.
But enough psychoanalyzing Dagmar and DH. I received a newsletter this morning and it has a thought-provoking link.
Dagmar - just sending supportive thoughts without comments or advice. I'm glad you've found this forum useful for venting, which I think is a major activity to retain sanity.
If you lived closer, I'd enjoy having you as a friend.
Dagmar, I know that you and I would really enjoy going to art exhibits and movies and all kinds of stuff together, and I'd definitely want to meet your dog pack one day, too, as I think it would be fascinating to watch you interact with them.
I'm going to do my own venting for a moment. Yesterday I worked as hard as I could, but still could not get an overdue piece of writing done. And then the person to whom I owe the NEXT piece of writing in my queue asked for help. And then another sudden emergency came up which no one could take.
I took a break at 7 PM anyway to catch up on "RuPaul's Drag Race" but a phone call from the contractor came through. He told me that no, he won't be finished by the end of March, as originally projected. He's two to three weeks late. First off, there was a delay in building permits. Then there was a delay on the "mold certification" of the apartments. Finally, for one week our building's management company didn't pay him, so he stopped work. (He said that has been resolved.) He wanted all the drywall done by now and he's just starting. And also he told me that all five apartment owners in Building Six are never coming back. (I'm in Building Ten, so they are not near neighbors.) Once the apartments are renovated, they're selling. They don't want to live in a floodplain.
Once my mother picked up that I was on the phone with the contractor, she started trying to "coach" me from the sidelines. That's what I call it. "Tell him this ... ask him about ... what about? ... Tell him you want ... Find out what the status is on ..."
In real life, I'm a highly responsible person, and in fact have some reknown in my company as a project manager and someone who gets stuff done.
But on the phone with the contractor, apparently, I need a director feeding me a script, line for line, because I am incapable of completing this transaction adequately.
And stupidly, when the kitchen blueprint came in, I showed it to my mother, and she raised her voice and began loudly questioning my choices of cabinets and drawers and telling me why they absolutely would NOT work, there was no question, they had to be changed to the way she described, there was no other option.
Which she kept insisting on in the background through the call. In fact, handing me written notes with things I should be saying.
When I got off the phone I said, "Stop it, the kitchen is settled, it's my kitchen, I want it my way, this is NOT up for discussion."
And I had to get back on the laptop & get to work & sit stone-faced while she fumed behind me.
What a relief to go upstairs to bed and leave her with the TV.
But I got up at 4:15 AM & came downstairs, as I usually do, to find all the lights on & coffee on and my mother seated at the table.
"I couldn't sleep," she said.
This is usually my "me time," all to myself in this house that isn't mine, so it wasn't a welcome sight.
We really didn't talk. I got breakfast as I usually do, logged on the laptop to check email for stuff that came in overnight from Europe, and headed out to the gym after bringing in the paper for her. That was that. I just could not deal with a fraught conversation about kitchen cabinets at 5:15 AM.
I'm here now with a lot of work due and three back-to-back meetings.
I am hoping this day offers some small glimmer of humor or amusement or something that keeps life from seeming like one relentlessly long hard slog.
And I'm thinking, you know, Dagmar? A relationship with a man would not solve any of the things that are sitting on my shoulders today. Even if he were a contractor. I'd still have to go to my job and get my work done. I'd still have to work on my relationship with my mother. I'd still have to maintain patience through the work on my apartment. It's all down to me. Actually, I like living alone and doing exactly what I want, and one of my underlying issues here is that privilege was taken away from me and I was pushed in as a refugee to live with someone else. And it's very hard to adapt. But anyway, an intimate relationship is something you engage in for a different reason and like a tool made to do one thing & for one purpose, it does not work out other issues.
Saef-- I hope you got some relief at the gym! I bet those machines took a pounding! I can just picture you on the phone with your mom in the background. Sorry things couldn't be moving faster!
saef, our Moms are always our Moms, just ask them, they will remind you. When my mother would give me advice , as a grown up woman , I would always say," Mom I can cross the street by myself, now." I tried not to get into arguments with her, and believe me we have had some doozies. It is a no win situation. I finally learned to just try to avoid conflict as much as possible, and if my own Mother wasn't enough I had a Mother in Law who was worse.
I guess what I am saying, saef is that I understand but cam offer no words of advice, except to say your home will soon be ready for you to move back into which will take a lot of pressure off of you. Good luck.
Well. My day isn't starting great. I got to work and my assistant, who is always in before me, called in to say she'd be late. She was supposed to go to Las Vegas this weekend to visit her friend who was celebrating her 90th birthday. She died the day before her birthday. Then on Saturday, her best friend in Los Angeles collapsed and died. So my assistant, who had that horrible time at Christmas due to the attacks on the feral cat colony down the street, is once again heartbroken.
Sorry you didn't get your "me" time, saef. I get so PO'ed when my schedule is interrupted like that. I guess that's one reason I've never been spontaneous. Things have to be planned and if they don't go off as planned, I get upset (not as much as I used to--I'm growing up!).
Continued hugs to Dagmar. You have to do what is right for you.
Super-quick flyby since I am off to a doctor appointment...
Ate too much this weekend at cooking club and superbowl party. Oh well, what's done is done. The superbowl was great -- this town really turned out for it. I really loved Jimmy Fallon's shows he did live from Indy!
Dagmar - Don't forget that your opinions may also be skewed by your abusive father. But I agree with others that whether or not you stay with DH, you may want to look into finding new friendships elsewhere.
Saef - Two to three weeks is not the end of the world. Eventually, in just a couple months or so, you will be back in your apartment, it will be totally clean and redone, and you will not have to live with your mother anymore. So take a deep breath and repeat over and over "this is not forever, this is temporary."
Saef - I'm sorry that your dynamic with your mother has made a hard time so much more difficult. It is almost over - you can survive this and get back into your own space.
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sometimes and I vent here. I have no "face-to-face" girlfriends so I post here. It keeps me away from the food (and drink).
and 
Don't forget that your opinions may also be skewed by your abusive father. But I agree with others that whether or not you stay with DH, you may want to look into finding new friendships elsewhere.
