[DreamsOfAtropos]

Has anyone experienced major changes in their relationships with male friends after weight loss?

[KellyMarie90]

I definitely have experienced changes!
Its hard to explain though...especially since the changes vary between my different guy friends.
Overall though, many of them used to treat me as "one of the guys" but now they don't and for a while I kinda felt like I was left out in the cold haha
In regards to comments...its so funny because many of the ones that I felt would comment, havent said a word. The ones that I expected to be oblivious or not comment are the ones that comment the most.

I lost the majority of my weight in the summer and continued to lose during the first semester. When we were all "reunited" after summer, many of the guys acted funny around me. Many of them seemed to not know how to act but after a few encounters began to be generally flirty.

[Eliana]

Not exactly. My two best friends are married to my best friends, so they had better not change. And they've been flirting with me for the past 20 years, from 115 pounds up to 235 and all the way back down again. They're harmless and I don't know what I'd do without them.

I'm the one who has changed. I see it in myself at the gym in particular. I am much more likely to hold a man's gaze rather than look away and have even initiated conversations. I am a much, much more confident woman and it feels really good.

[saef]

Here I had this long extensive post written,and then my finger brushed that Key of Death, wherever it is, that makes the page go away & won't respond to the "back" or "forward" button.

Okay, so I'll try recreate it in full, but let me just say, yes, they treat me differently, but it has varied widely according to the male friend.

I've made a group of male friends at the office, which has complicated the issue slightly.

When my weight loss efforts began, in general, they were very encouraging in that rather verbally reserved male way. (Their idea of being supportive is not to gush, to say "I know you can do it" and "You go, girl" & etc.) They'd ask me if I was going to the gym on-site at our office & I'd maybe get a thumbs up when I said yes. They were very welcoming at the gym, though they left me to myself. They were extremely helpful in showing me some of the machines & demonstrating exercises with the free weights when I had questions. (I read up on the exercises first & looked at a lot of online videos but sometimes one needs a 3-D demonstration & someone looking on while you try it yourself.) And when the results started to become visible, they were admiring, in their "Good job" kind of way, the way they'd be with someone who brought a work project in on time & within budget.

What was striking about their support was that there appeared to be no reservations or ambivalence. With the women at work, it's different; there's some self-comparison going on & there is a hierarchy at work, with women assigned to different places in it. If you start to become better-looking, you mess up the orderliness of the rankings. This is not an issue at all with the guys, of course.

But once I passed a certain point in weight loss & got to the "lower than average" area, their reactions sort of splintered, and varied, according to the individual guy.

The most difficult for me to negotiate was with the guy we'll call "E," with whom I have the most in common, and have always talked with the most seriously, sometimes one-on-one. E. lives with someone & has for years, but the relationship is a difficult one. After I'd lost most of the weight, one day I was in the cafeteria, getting plastic utensils for the lunch I'd just paid for, and E. turned to me & said in a low voice, "You know, sometimes I just don't recognize you." From his tone, this apparently was a very good thing. Something in his voice made me feel slightly alarmed. And I noticed that E. paid far more attention to me, and took me aside to talk to me a lot, and made a point of doing favors for me. Oh, no. Oh, no. I began to tread very carefully. Remember the live-in girlfriend; also, remember, this is someone at the office. I have to communicate with him periodically for my job. Thankfully, just around Thanksgiving, in fact, E. became markedly cooler & more formal with me. I cannot trace this to any one incident. I believe he did some soul-searching on his part & wasn't comfortable with what he discovered inside. Also, fate intervened & his dept. was moved to an office in another part of the county.

Much easier was my relationship with coworker whom I'll call J1. J1 lives with someone & they are getting married. (I'm excited about getting a dress for this April wedding.) He's like the insane little brother that I never had. We laugh & trade e-mails a lot. There's no tension there. He's a very breezy person anyway. He, incidentally, was one of the most helpful with the free weights. While I was losing weight, he was working at bulking up a little -- he has a rangy former sprinter's body -- and getting heavier. He looks great. But I say that almost aesthetically; I have no concerns here & there is no potential drama. His healthy & loving relationship with his fiancee makes us fine together.

But then there is my coworker whom I'll call J2. We have lunch together one-on-one frequently. It's an exercise in brinksmanship for me. I like him, and he does interesting things in his spare time (lots of trips to Brooklyn for obscure indie bands & outsider music; he has a truly insane record & music memorabilia collection & he loves serious movies). He is single & seriously looking for someone. But that someone is not me. On a fundamental level, we're not compatible. (It starts with the politics & general frame of mind -- authoritarian & etc. -- & continues from there.) Also, I'm not sexually attracted to him. Others at work who'd like to fix us up for the convenience of it seem annoyed at my recalcitrance. But look, I know this is not the guy for me. (When you know, you know. You don't have to sell yourself on something you don't really want.) Nevertheless, my relationship with J2 which was once relaxed has now has become nearly as fraught as it was with E. And I am again very, very careful, because I work with him, and I like him & want to stay friends & have a regular lunch companion. But that's all I want.

Thus ends the drama of the Days of Saef's Work Life [Cue organ music.]

It's a lot harder to deal with male friends when you are sexually viable if the male is out there & looking. When you're asexual, heavy & one of the guys, it's much, much easier.

I do prefer that ease to living in a soap opera, but not enough to regain all the weight again.

[Lori Bell]

Yes. But not in the way you would think.

Back in my late 20's and early 30's I was heavy, but not obese. Just big and curvy I'd say. There were many men who flirted almost to the point of inappropriate for a married mom of 2. When I gained weight to morbid obesity, it all stopped. I was the invisible giant to all men, except my husband.

Now, on the reverse, on my way down these same men became a bit flirty again when I reached that same overweight curvy point, (From about 180 to 210ish). Once I passed that threshold to normalcy, ALL of these men will barely look at me, let alone talk to me. It's like I'm a freak, or something?

The real friends, (my husbands friends) treat me the same no matter what size I am.

Strangers on the other hand...whole different story. I'm treated pretty well when I'm out and about in the outer banks of the community. I like it most of the time, but sometimes I feel a little weirded out from the attention.

[Heavenseventeen]

I don't have any male friends, but on-line others have definitely mentioned how they went from being 'one of the guys' to a possible love interest. Like Lori Bell said, it's society has a whole. It looks down on fat people.

[Eliana]

Saef, I can't imagine. My work is pretty female dominant and there is no attraction between me and any of the few men I work with. None. There are pretty much no men in my life, outside of the gym.

I will say the husband of one of my two friends got a little uncomfortable with me when I first came to them for help through my divorce. On the day I announced it was over he came to me and told me that he had had thoughts about divorcing my best friend! Idiot. I can't say why he chose that moment to tell me that. It was really uncomfortable. I love this man dearly and it would kill me if I had to distance myself from him. But since then, it's all been back to normal.