I feel often like I'm just not ready for this new way of life. Its like a person who has spent most of his life in prison and then is released. Perhaps that person just doesn't know how live outside of the prison.
I've been morbidly obese for all my life. I shut down entire areas of my life as a coping mechanism just to get by. Now that I'm "free" I just feel like I don't know how to relate to people.
I don't want to go inside the prison, but I just not good at things everyone seems to take for granted right now. I'm totally clueless about dating/relationship issues and I just have a horrible time actually connecting with people.
Blah. Sorry, I guess I needed to just type that out for myself right now.
I'm really thankful for a lot of things in my life, I just have some hurdles I need to overcome and some of those hurdles aren't not under my control.
You have described it very well. What a great analogy.
In some ways relating to people has become easier, and in other ways it's much the same as it ever was.
My biggest problem, and this is so girly , is with shopping. I do not know how. I don't know how to be feminine! I can't walk in high heels! I don't know how. (Meant to google that today actually...thanks for the reminder. LOL!) I don't know how to dress my body, put on make up, fix my hair or just act the part of the female. I have taken on the masculine role in my marriage. This is all entirely because of my insecurities as a woman. I never felt deserving of all things girlie and it became a part of me, the eternal tomboy. But there is a part of me that wants to change that. I just don't know how.
You are living a completely different life than you were just a few short years ago, it isn't any wonder that you sometimes find yourself struggling. It is hard to connect with people under even the most ideal circumstances, when you don't feel out of place with your way of life.
I don't have any great advice for you, only know that you have done a great thing for yourself and you will get to know the person that you have become and how that person relates to people as time goes on.
Matt-- I don't have any great advice for you. I do think and hope that you'll be more comfortable in your skin as time goes on. Are there some new activities you like now that you didn't like before? Perhaps find groups that are interested in those activities and try to get involved? I haven't used it but I know others have-- Jessica-- didn't you use something to find your supper club? Was it meetup.com or something like that?
Maybe some sort of volunteer work?
Get active in church groups?
Don't know if you're open to online dating?
You obviously are an entirely new person. Don't know if you would want to talk to someone (a therapist)? The last thing you want is to decide you aren't comfortable in your new life and go back to your old ways.
Good luck! I'll pulling for you. I hope today is just a bad day and the blip passes soon for you. You are an inspiration to so many!
I'm with ya - sometimes the brain takes a lot longer to lose weight than the body. It takes time to learn how to be the new you. Let yourself off the hook! Just like losing weight, this will come one day at a time, one interaction at a time. We fall, we get back up. Often, when people say something about my thinness or wish they had my body, I honestly cannot figure out for the life of me what they're talking about.
I'm fond of saying that I used to be a skinny girl screaming to get out of the fat girl; now I'm a fat girl screaming to get out of the skinny girl. Just because the weight is gone doesn't mean my thought issues are solved. In fact, they are much sharper and in focus. So, my new goal is to lose the fat on my brain, so to speak.
I'm a big fan of a few sessions of therapy to help you get "over the hump" in certain circumstances.
Hi Matt- I understand what you are saying. Have you considered a 12 step program like OA? (Overeaters Anonymous)- they may help you deal with a lot of the issues that are making you feel like you do not fit. (plus it is free )You have come SO far, and truly have to learn a new way of life not just in the food area- which can be scary. Your open and honest post says lots about who you are and that honesty and self awareness are great assets to build on. Good thoughts going out to you.
I feel often like I'm just not ready for this new way of life.
Its like a person who has spent most of his life in prison and then is released. Perhaps that person just doesn't know how live outside of the prison.
I just feel like I don't know how to relate to people.
I'm totally clueless about dating/relationship issues and
I just have a horrible time actually connecting with people.
You are exactly who you are, and that's okay.
You were okay as a fat person, AND you are okay as a normal size person.
Changing your body size
does NOT mean you MUST change ANYTHING else in your life.
...either right now...or ever. If OR when you decide you WANT to make changes in the way you relate to people,
you can work on those changes, just like you worked on your size changes.
There's no rush. You have the rest of your life.
Last edited by Bright Angel; 11-29-2010 at 04:51 PM.
Embrace it, accept it and jump in with both feet! You won't be disappointed. I've had some trouble too, but I've let my guard down and just went with it and I feel "free" as you put it. I know you feel like people are still judging you, but they're not, and if the are - who cares! In the big picture it just doesn't matter. I promise you if you just relax, let your guard down and allow yourself to be yourself and have fun it will just start to feel natural. I have some pretty bad social phobias myself and when I just relax and be me, it always feels amazing. I know that sounds like an over simplification, but let it be that simple to start and take it from there.
Being able to put it into words is a great indicator that you are indeed coping as you move through these transitions.
It just takes time, and there will be bad days, and hope you find the support you need from us and others on the bad ones.
I strongly encourage you, if you arent already, to find some theraputic outlets (maybe not traditional) to deal with the mental and social issues that come along with both being formerly morbidly obese and how/why you got there in the first place.
For me - it was a lot of work on feeling simply....worthy. Worthy as any other human. Ill never have the metal outlook of someone who was a healthy weight their hwole life, but I have a much better mental outlook for a formerly obese me than I did in years past. (example: I still, always evaluate myself as compared physically to others...but I dont care as much and I dont stress about it and it doesnt consume me and I feel worthy even if they are in better shape or whatever)
You have done a monumental physical transformation Matt.
The mental and emotional ones will follow.
They won't be as obvious but you can use some of the things you used to lose weight - strength, motivation, determination - to get you through the initial awkwardness of being "normal", as others perceive it.
And some people who have never been obese (I'm raising my hand here) are totally socially awkward and shy and all those other things. There are definite reasons why I feel more comfortable with dogs than with most people.
We just have to take that risk of making contact and being either accepted or rejected. And then we have to do it again, and again, and again. It does get easier with practice, just like dieting or maintenance.
Matt Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. Dating is a learning process. I was shy so I know what you mean about opening up to people.
Just keep trying.
I half-jokingly describe myself as a voluntary hermit or socially inept, but if I'm being honest, most of the time I'm feeling exactly as you described above. I simply don't know how to relate to people the way others seem to... I read a book or two on shyness that helped a little - even though I wouldn't actually describe myself as shy, and my (few) friends would laugh at the description (titles like Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life or Goodbye to Shy: 85 Shybusters That Work). They weren't 100% on point because it's not quite the same as shyness, but it's a place to start. From my perspective, if you want to get better at something, anything, you have to practice - no matter how much it sucks in the beginning. There are also a lot of other great ideas above, so no point in repeating
First of all, - that is a strange and lonely place to be in.
A good step to take might be simply talking with and commiserating with people who have been through similar trials and tribulations - 3FC being a great jumping-off point. Do you have good friends from high school or college around? I'm pretty sure they would be happy to talk to you and sort of walk you through the social gaps you find you may have. As for dating and relationships, that's never easy for anyone! When you think about it, do you feel shy? Insecure? Unworthy? Because, you know, you really don't need to be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliana
My biggest problem, and this is so girly , is with shopping. I do not know how. I don't know how to be feminine! I can't walk in high heels! I don't know how. (Meant to google that today actually...thanks for the reminder. LOL!) I don't know how to dress my body, put on make up, fix my hair or just act the part of the female. I have taken on the masculine role in my marriage. This is all entirely because of my insecurities as a woman. I never felt deserving of all things girlie and it became a part of me, the eternal tomboy. But there is a part of me that wants to change that. I just don't know how.
Ask your girlfriends. I was forced into the school of femininity the first time I lost weight in high school - my friends pulled me aside and explained how to walk like a girl, wear makeup, rock form fitting clothes, etc. While I hated it then, I'm glad I received that kind of "training." Don't be afraid to ask!
not having a great day
What a great analogy. 
, is with shopping. I do not know how. I don't know how to be feminine! I can't walk in high heels! I don't know how. (Meant to google that today actually...thanks for the reminder. LOL!) I don't know how to dress my body, put on make up, fix my hair or just act the part of the female. I have taken on the masculine role in my marriage. This is all entirely because of my insecurities as a woman. I never felt deserving of all things girlie and it became a part of me, the eternal tomboy. But there is a part of me that wants to change that. I just don't know how.
