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Old 04-28-2008, 11:14 AM   #1  
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Default Weight loss and marriage issues

I was not real sure where to post this, but thought since I have been maintaining for a few months I would try here.

Has anyone else dealt with a partner who blames your weight loss for all your marital woes? Since losing my weight my husband has never once said I look good, but instead I hear on a daily basis, "who are you trying to impress?" and every possible variation of that.

I can't seem to make him understand I did this for me and no one else. Do I enjoy looking good in my new body, heck yeah! I am a much more confidant person now and I think that scares the living bejesus out of him despite all my efforts to reassure him. I swear he would be happier if I regained the weight and wore dumpy clothes again.

How in the world do I battle this, or can I? I would love to hear experiences from others on this subject as I have about reached my ropes end.
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Old 04-28-2008, 11:44 AM   #2  
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Hey Stephanie, I don't really know what to say since I didn't experience this, but definitely wanted to post that I am so sorry your husband has chosen to react negatively to your change. Since he doesn't say it - YOU LOOK GREAT!

So sorry your happiness and triumph has to be ruined by his insecurity and fears - does he think you're going to leave him? Has he lost his "food buddy?" It sounds very very wrong for a husband to say such negative things, it doesn't sound healthy for him, you or your marriage. He sounds insecure and threatened by your newly slender body and your more form fitting clothes. His insecurity is HIS problem, not yours but I understand that you must work on the issue together. He is so hostile, I definitely recommend some unbiased counseling.
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Old 04-28-2008, 11:57 AM   #3  
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Sounds like your husband is very insecure...like he thinks you and your new body will replace him with someone else "better." My husband tried that crap when I started losing weight. He'd say "You're going to get all skinny and leave me for another man." He's overweight, so he thinks the new me, as a healthy-weight person, will want someone like that, as well.

I just assured him that I'm not changing, internally, at all. Just because I can fit into smaller pants doesn't mean HE doesn't fit in my life anymore. And as the months have gone by, he's started appreciating the changes more and more. Now he's starting to encourage me when I get down on myself because of a little extra flab around the middle, or my serious inability to lose the last three pounds.

Sit him down and talk to him calmly, one last time. Tell him the changes in your body don't change your relationship at all, and tell him how his failure to support you is hurting you. If he doesn't care, it may be time to seek counseling. But you may get through to him.
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Old 04-28-2008, 12:27 PM   #4  
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I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

You should have an honest talk with your husband and ask him straight on why he's being so negative about something that means so much to you. It'll probably help to reassure him of your love and that your physical change doesn't change your feelings for him.

Maybe like Glory suggested, an outside counselor would help.

You have done a wonderful job losing the weight, don't let his negativity get to you. Try to work on the problem together and make it very clear to him that this is important to you.

Best of luck!
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Old 04-29-2008, 09:42 PM   #5  
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I think we're probably all challenged by some saboteurs in our lives that want to make us question why we're doing all this work to look good and be healthy. Sadly, sometimes those people are the ones who are closest to us and who we care the most about. I think probably what's going on, as others have mentioned, is some insecurity. I know my husband makes comments from time to time that really tick me off--like that I'm obcessed with exercise. I guess maybe what he says has a bit of truth in it. However, I also think if being into exercise makes me feel better about me and be happier, then it's the way to go. I hope by talking with your husband he realizes how important your weight loss is to you. In the end, if he's not going to support you, you need to seek your support through other friends so you don't start backsliding (which it can be very tempting to do some days).
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:37 PM   #6  
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It sounds like he has self esteem issues. I agree with Glory, it may be time for some couples counseling. If your hubby won't go, then go without him. Any type of major change in life (including weight loss) could benefit from a little bit of counseling. At least in my opinion.
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Old 04-30-2008, 09:43 AM   #7  
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Thanks for your responses gals! I have suspected for sometime he was worried that my weight loss would lead to my leaving him. When we met 12 years ago he was 28, had not had any real relationships and was still living at home. I think he is scared that I am going to leave and he will never find anyone again. Despite my best efforts I can't seem to make him understand that I am here for the long haul.

I have come to the conclusion I can't let him drag me down, I have worked to hard to get where I am. If he choses to be unhappy with it, then so be it. This is my life and my body and I kinda like it!
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Old 04-30-2008, 11:21 AM   #8  
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Hi pacergal,

I read an article some years ago about "fat pacts", where each partner overlooks the others shortcomings, which in the case of one of them is obesity. According to this idea you would have "broken" the unspoken agreement by losing weight and now your husband is feeling insecure that you will no longer overlook his shortcomings. If that is the case, maybe he needs reassurance about something rather than just a promise that you are in it for the long haul.

Congrats on the weightloss, and I hope you can figure out what is going wrong with your husband.
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Old 04-30-2008, 11:30 AM   #9  
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Isn't it weird how when your confidence goes up, your mates goes down? I have the same problem going on right now. My husband tells me that he feels like his lack of motivation to get himself where he would like to be(muscle building) is making him jealous and insecure when it comes to me actually almost hitting my goal. He is jealous of my new confidence, where as before he was frustrated with my non stop complaining over my weight. You cannot help but wanting to be confident in your new success, it feels great!!!Maybe try incouraging him to do something for himself, being confident together can keep eachother on the same page.
"Once your find yourself, within yourself, you can start to love yourself"
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Old 05-02-2008, 03:07 PM   #10  
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I have come to the conclusion I can't let him drag me down, I have worked to hard to get where I am. If he choses to be unhappy with it, then so be it. This is my life and my body and I kinda like it!
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Stephanie, I agree with your statement and I wonder what your husband would do if you told him just that? Would he just go for a walk with you if you asked? I would tell him that my weight has NOTHING to do with our marriage. I think he is worried you may leave and is insecure. Would he go to counseling with you? I wish you the best here....but keep your head held high, you've done nothing wrong! Congrats!!!
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