[VeggieGirl1]

Good afternoon all...
I have posted sporadically here and on the exercise forum and have always gotten sensible, gracious answers. I need some real help today, so I hope you will indulge me for a few minutes while I give you my sob story.
For more than two years I have been at a good weight for me and I've exercised regularly. I have also fought a binge monster off and on during this period. Portions has never been a problem for me...its the lure of certain things...ice cream, chocolate and cookies being the three big problems. I've tried different ways to cope; abstinence, moderation, journalling, etc... Recently, I started working with a personal trainer to up my endurance and upper body strength (I have really strong legs apparently).
I am totally excited about the trainer, I eat great, and yet I still have days like today when I totally binge..ON PURPOSE...CONSCIOUSLY...
I guess I thought maintenance would mean the end of these days, and now I just want to cry because I realize that the struggle will never stop....
I won't give up, but I just feel so bad...any thoughts? Thanks in advance...

[Meg]

VeggieGirl -- I think your post is important and relevant enough to rate it's own thread. I hope you don't mind me moving it, but I won't want it to be overlooked in the weekly chat.

Veggie, you're describing me. Oh yeah, I used to think that when I got to goal I would intuitively crave broccoli and tofu and be repulsed by chocolate chip cookies ... I'd be naturally thin and never, ever binge again.

Wrong-o! I still fight the Binge Monster and honestly, I think I always will. Whether it's hardwired into me or learned behavior or whatever, I've done it forever and it still happens. Just like you say -- consciously and on purpose. I know exactly what I'm doing and I don't care.

My personal belief is that we're never cured of our eating issues, even with weight loss. We simply learn to manage them. You obviously have the tools and skills that it took to get the weight off, despite binging, and you're still maintaining, despite binging. That's success!

I'm sure this sounds depressing and defeatist to you, but maintenance is only a continuation of weight management. Unfortunately, nothing magic happens to change our brains once we reach goal.

However, there may be a little light at the end of the tunnel. My binges are far smaller than they used to be and primarily are healthy foods (but not always!!) Instead of 3000 calories of sugar devoured in 15 minutes, today I might eat an extra bowl of Fiber One with skim milk. An extra SF pudding. Half a bagel. Stuff like that. Probably because my body's become so intolerant of eating a lot of sugar and fat that it makes me sick. Maybe that will happen to you too?

Please don't lose heart! Look at how wonderfully you've done so far! Instead of thinking of it as a lifelong struggle, think of it as lifetime management. My DS has diabetes and will need to manage his condition for the rest of his life. OK, I have obesity and will need to manage it for the rest of my life. I don't need to tell you that it's totally worth it.

[ennay]

Veggie - Oh yeah...my binges are always deliberate acts of self-loathing. I really dont accidentally inhale a can of reddi- whip. BUT I MUST be making headway because I have never weighed this before.

I had posted in the support thread once about weight being more like a college education. I think we all expect to eventually collect A's across the board. But some classes are just harder than others and some come with pop quizzes. (pop quiz in cookies coming next week)

Look at what you HAVE mastered. A in exercise! A

I am trying REALLY hard now to look at each falter as an opportunity to learn. I tackle binges food by food and emotion by emotion. BUT I MUST be making headway because I have never weighed this before.

Some binges need one strategy, some another. It is trial and error for me and not one glove fits all. Parties are still a major issue for me. I have tried numerous things and have still struggled. BUT I MUST be making headway because I have never weighed this before.

Why do I keep repeating that last part? Because I think of all the things I have learned is to pick myself up, brush myself off, FORGIVE myself and move on. To forgive is not to forget. I do have a mental list of what happened, what went wrong, can I figure out WHY. But I am not beating myself up about this because...I MUST be making headway because I have never weighed this before. I am succeeding despite imperfections. I have learned above all else I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO SUCCEED

My binges are shorter, and most importantly they end in me getting back to my NEW life, not my old life.

And being here helps....I was reading the REBT thread and it occurred to me late last night that the foods that my successful strategy is selective integration (pizza, ice cream and chocolate) differ from my foods who's only current strategy is avoidance or inhale (whipped cream, homemade cookies, chocolate chip cookies) may be tied to at what point in my life those foods had emotional baggage. The first group were NEVER a problem as a child, I had them only on occasion and never stressed about them. THEY didnt become an issue until I started dieting and they became BAD FOODS. The others were an issue as far back as I can remember. I remember sneaking the reddiwhip can out for a squirt on a spoon...and another ...and another. And eating a sleeve of chips ahoy.

This last may have no application to you...I dont really expect it to, my purpose was to say that I would not have figured that out if not for participating in the discussions here about binging/cravings which led me to question why those foods were in different categories. (now what I DO with this info I dont know yet!)

Its not an on/off switch unfortunately, but I think it is a sliding scale. It's like your credit score! My binge score used to be around 400 and now its around 700. Not too shabby!

And while we are talking....I DIDNT binge today and I really really wanted to because my feelings were hurt deeply. SEE....I just bumped to a 701.

[VeggieGirl1]

Wow...Meg and Ennay thank you so much for your thoughtful and resonating replies...
Here I am this morning, after yesterday's debacle, trying to sort out what happened, and so much of what you said has helped me see a few things.

I was really tired yesterday having done one physical thing after another for a variety of people...I had eaten well, and then went to rest for a few minutes in my room after my daughter went off to swim practice and left me alone in the house...I was happy...then hungry, so I went to get my afternoon snack of a nectarine...it wasn't very good, but I ate it anyway, cause I hate to waste food (of course all the stuff I throw out after a binge I justify as necessary waste)...and then it began...some ice cream I had bought because I was lulled into the feeling that I could keep it in the house since I've been doing so well...then some cookies (the 100 pack demons that I now know are just an invitation to eat alot of cookies, only slowed down by having to tear open alot of packages rather than just a box)...and then it was off to the races...about two hours later it was over....

The funny thing is when I thought about it, I realized that that just doesn't feel like me anymore...I used to like doing it on some weird level (hah I'll show you what I can't eat)...and yesterday I got nothing out of it...will I remember that the next time...maybe...will I beat myself up...probably not...at first I thought that was a bad thing, but now I think maybe its a good thing...part of this process for me has been learning to like myself (we've got a ways to go there) and to be kind to myself. I am really proud of my accomplishments in the exercise arena, feel great when I'm eating well, and working out hard. This foible that I have re food issues doesn't make me a bad person...it's just one part of me, not good or bad, just a part...

Okay, I fear I have gone on too long...thanks again for your thoughts...they are most appreciated

[clvquilts]

VeggieGirl - Although I don't think I'm an emotional eater, I have trigger foods that I binge on. Peanuts are one of them. And wouldn't you know, I talked myself into buying a can of peanuts this week and ended up buying two because they had a 2 for X sale. And I've already polished off a can of nuts. I'm going to take the 2nd can to my MIL to replace all the peanuts I've eaten at her house.

Hard cheese is another trigger for me. It's one of the few dairy products I can still eat if I take my lactose pills.

Lately, I've been on a kick of eating chocolate coated frozen bananas - the only think I can buy that I can eat at our local homemade ice cream stand. It's a mimimal amount of chocolate and I justify it by getting in one of my fruit servings per day.

We all struggle with some food(s) that tempt us individually. You're not alone. Post as often as you need to.

[cym]

VeggieGirl, your initial post resonated with me cause although I've had a problem with binge eating for years....I too had this idea that, once I hit my weight goal and began to maintain it, with all my nifty newly learned tools and stratagies in place, the desire to binge eat would become a "non issue" for me. Instead I realized that it was not only still an issue, but an issue with bigger consequences. I mean, if I gave in to the desire (as I did practically daily) when I was already obese, it was just "life as usual"...if I gave in to the desire when I was losing weight...well since I was eating a deficit anyway, it would mean, at worst, I wouldn't lose any weight that week...but, if I gave in to it now the potential consequences would likely be the start of rebound weight gain - and that thought secretly terrifies me.

I guess we all have both trigger foods and, as I'm learning, trigger situations....and sometimes they collide! But it's valuable when you can look back (as I'm glad you were able to) and identify the source(s) so you know what to avoid in the future.

[evilwomaniamshe]

Hey Veggiegirl,
Glad to see a BINGE post, it's nice to know I am not alone! Today I am confessing my 2 day binge-athon I just had! Arghhh,,,,,,, I could kick my own @ss for doing it, I knew what I was putting in my mouth, yet I continued to feed my face to numb some of my stress! I almost ate myself into a coma the past 2 days with dairy queens, chocolate, cookies, brownies, candy bars etc. etc. I was beyond bad and I figured I may as well finish eating more crap again today, so I done did! Well NO MORE, tomorrow is a new day and strict calorie consumption for me all next week. Will I ever learn????? it is so easy to gain some excess pounds by cheating all day or two days, but it takes about a week or more to get it back off!!!! The vicious cycle continues.... I thought I licked this yoyo routine, but the only thing I truly licked was the icecream spoons literally!!!!! Bless me peeps, for I have so SINNED! I promise to get back on track tomorrow.....and this I pledge! AMEN....

[Kery]

I'm nearing my weight goal and not completely maintaining yet, but yes, I can say that the threat of bingeing isn't gone for good for me either. I can go steady for one month, then I'll get that urge of eating tons of crap. To be honest, right now, I've been having it for, oh, last Friday? And I don't know why. I hope it will pass, because the only other outcome would be me cracking up.

The real difference, though, is that now, I can't do that on a steady basis. It used to be that I could eat 5 croissants (two words: 'France' and 'bakeries'--huge and delicious!) in 15 minutes, then do that again later on the same day! But now, if I do that, it's like I'm 'settled' for some time afterward. Or, to be more precise, feeling half-sick after it makes it easier to jump back on the wagon right after I'm done.^_^;

Nevertheless, it sucks.

[evilwomaniamshe]

It has been 6 days now and I am happy to report I am back on track and the weight I gained is almost all gone! Whew, I am so relieved now and I am bound and determined to stay on track as I hate when I de-rail.....

[ennay]

and I am back in binge land....so goes the way of the world

[Meg]

What's going on, Ennay?

[Kery]

Aw, Ennay. We must have boarded the same steamer on the same day, huh. Time to get our return tickets together as well, whatcha think?

(Biggest. binge. EVER. There's no way I'm doing that again. Uh. So now it's time to finally do something with all those mini-goals and mini-rewards I hear about, because I need another incentive than just "I shouldn't do it" to get me through the stress these days.)

[bargoo]

It happens, don't beat yourself uo over it. Get back on plan and move forward.

[Tina30]

Hello ladies! I just happened to come across this thread and the title caught me eye. I have really been struggling lately with whether or not I'm a binger? I think I am really scared to have this disorder. I know deep down that what I have is binging, but it is really hard to admit! I don't even know if this is the right place because I am not yet in maintanence. I just don't know what to do. Now this is worst right before TOM. I can't seem to control my eating at all. I go from salty to sweet and so the cycle continues until I feel ill. I do not purge, but the thought has crossed my mind. Afterwards the feeling of shame is so strong. I feel like a complete failure and often hide the evidence from my husband. He is no fool though. I have talked about it with him, and he just doesn't get it. I don't think though to be fair that people who don't suffer from it do. I mean they think well just don't eat it then if it makes you feel so bad and they don't understand that it is like some unknown force moving you towards the food. I can't relax until I eat whatever is tempting me. I have lost over 60 lbs and have kept it off for over two years now. I am at the point though that I sabotage myself and I don't know if I'll ever get to my goal weight. I don't know what the answer is...seeking professional help, talking about it here, just trying to fix this myself. I can tell you the thought of talking to someone about this face to face scares the heck out of me. I mean the embarresment I would feel. I just get so frustrated because when it really comes down to it, it's my body my choice. Nobody can fix this for me but me, I make the choice to binge or not! I just know I can't continue doing this to myself. It is driving me mad. It is such a vicious cycle for me...binge=depression=binge=depression...you get the idea! Now I have to say most of the time it's manageable...but the week before TOM there is no taming it. The rest of the time I have a lot more control over it. So anyway I just thought I would put my story out here and let you all know your not alone!

[NightengaleShane]

I'm prone to binges, but thinking of how I will feel if I binge is enough to keep me away. Like Meg, large amounts of fat and sugar really do make me sick.

However, I definitely have mini binges, where I will just eat more of something than I planned to.

I try to completely avoid things like chips, nuts, and ice cream. Anything salty and crunchy is guaranteed to make me devour the entire bag, so I don't even buy it. If I DO buy it, it is in a very small quantity so I can't even be TEMPTED to binge! I also frequently throw away food so I won't eat it. If it's sitting in a trash bag with other nasty old food, it looks pretty unappetizing.

Tina, you described I feel about binging perfectly. And I'm also TERRIBLE before my TOM. I make PMS an excuse and continue binging sometimes... even though I know I shouldn't.