Star, I LOOOOOOOOOVE that last joke. One of my all time favorites. :lol3:

Fiona

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Not "funny", but thought you'd appreciate this list!
 

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See
what you think:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.


So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis
too. That's love."


Rebecca- age 8

----------------------------------------------------------------------


"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."


Billy - age 4

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
they go out and smell each other."


Karl - age 5

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs."


Chrissy - age 6

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."


Terri - age 4


------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."


Danny - age 7

------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you
still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"


Emily - age 8


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen."


Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you
hate,"


Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)



-----------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."


Noelle - age 7



-------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."


Tommy - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all
the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.


He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."


Cindy - age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"My mommy loves me more than anybody .


You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."


Clare - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."


Elaine-age 5



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer
than Robert Redford."


Chris - age 7



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day."


Mary Ann - age 4



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and
has to go out and buy new ones."


Lauren - age 4



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you." (what an image)


Karen - age 7



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."


Mark - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget."


Jessica - age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest
he was asked to judge.


The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.


The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost his wife.


Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed
onto his lap, and just sat there.


When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,


"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

What did the German winemakers say at the end of their workday?

"Our feet are stained!" :rofl:

Okay, this one I didn't get.

Oh, NOW I get it. . .

well-then help me out-I'm clueless.

Auf Weidersehen? (spelling - my high school german is well, 25 years old)

Ah-got it! Thanks. Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning yet . . . .

Yeah, that one doesn't work unless you say it out loud. I didn't get it either, but now I do! :dizzy:

Fiona

There was an Asian lady married to an English
gentleman and they lived in London.The poor lady was
not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy
pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her
request,and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt
to showed her highs. The butcher got the message and
the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she
unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she
wanted.The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some
sausages.
So she took her husband to the store..............

what did she do?
(please scroll down).

.......

.......

.......

.......

.......

......

......
What were you thinking? ?
HellOOOOOOOOOOOO........................!!!!,
Her husband speaks English...
Now get back work......



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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[QUOTE=Star]
What were you thinking? ?
HellOOOOOOOOOOOO........................!!!!,
Her husband speaks English...
Now get back work......

hilarious...thanks i needed that

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..

and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

.............................

NEED AN ANSWER?

.............................

You know darned well where it went!



That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The Best Poultry Ever

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan
with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping
sounds.


When the chicken's *** blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done







LIFE IS LIKE A DOUGHNUT: YOU'RE EITHER IN THE DOUGH OR IN THE HOLE

You are gonna love this!
 

The Rope
>

>Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
>one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
>decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were going to
>fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made
>a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
>the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
>her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting
>anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.