Greetings all...

I've been a lurker here at 3fc for about six months. It's taken me awhile to get up the nerve to post. Posting here actually means I have to admit things are out of hand for me, and to a point of depression. My weight is keeping me from living a happier life. It's coming between me and so many things I want to do. But I can't seem to stick with any program, plan, gym, etc. I know it's time to really get serious. The diets I have tried in the past: Slim fast, WW, TOPS,OA,Jenny Craig, Nutri system, and my own plans... starvation/diet pills.

I tasted the success of weight loss years ago when I had a gallbladder problem. I had to go on a complete low fat diet for a year, dropped 100lbs, and began walking up to 3 miles a day. I remember how good I felt, how I could run down the street, and fit into movie theater seats. I experienced the fun of going clothes shopping, and walking out with cute clothes that fit.

Now, I can't even get down the street 1/2 a block without breathing. I can't go shopping sometimes because I can't bear looking at all of the skinny people wearing their cute clothes. The 4x clothes I'm in now is starting to feel tight. I went to buy a new top and had to get it in a 5x.

I have two beautiful girls and a supportive husband, who tells me I'm beautiful the way I am. But I can see my weight even coming between me and my husband, as for the past year since the birth of my baby, I don't want to have sex. I'm too ashamed of how I look. I don't want to be touched. I don't want him to feel the fat on my body. I have pushed him so far away from me.

Every week since the birth of my baby I have said "this next week starting monday, that's it! no more junk, no more over eating, no more...etc." I can go about a week and it's all thrown out the window. DH tries supporting me, but he will see me give in, then he will bring junk food home at my request.

Many things, have brought me back to my decision to try and get back on a plan again. The first thing that happened was 3 weeks ago. I got pictures in the mail my MIL took during their visit. I saw a photo of me and broke down into tears. I saw a woman looking back at me that I didn't know anymore. She looked sad, sick, tired.....lost.
The second thing that happened was, my husband and I went on a recent trip to the mall to get the kids some things. He wasn't looking at other women, but he kept looking at all of the displays in different windows of clothing stores that had jeans, baby T's, sexy blouses, underwear..... all the things *I* can't even wear. I would see his eyes drift over and look, every time. I felt so ashamed. He wanted me to go into Victorias Secret with him, he wanted to pick out underwear for me. I couldn't... For one they sure don't carry my size. I don't think he really understood... he just wanted to make me feel sexy and I felt horrible. We then walked by a group of girls, one who was wearing a cut off t and jeans. She was gorgeous, and I thought I saw him looking at her. He wasn't but somehow I saw it in my mind that he was because he just happened to glance. I got angry and as we left I accused him of staring at someone else. We got into such a bad fight that day. After he went to work, I drove to the grocery store, bought a box of chocolate truffles and ate them all, in two days.
My husband told me the other night that he loves me, only wants me, and wishes I'd just come back to him. He wishes we were close again. he doesn't care what my size is.
Third reason I'm here, which really should be the number one reason, is my girls. I can't even get on the floor to play with them. can't run with them. Can't hardly do much because I get too tired quickly. They beg me to take them to the park but I get there and have to sit. I walk a bit but after that I can barely stand up.
My eating of junk foods is out of control. My soda addiction is anywhere from 2 - 2 1/2 liters of dr pepper in a day. I have so much water retention from not drinking water. Every few days I try downing some water because I literally feel dried out. My mouth, skin...eyes. Its almost as if I'm abusing myself knowingly. I care, yet I don't. I swing back and forth.

So here I am, with a plan to stick to a low fat diet and walking again. I got walk away the pounds book, and dvd. I tried out the dvd yesterday and only made it 10 min. But I made it.

I need to do this for me... my girls, and my marriage. Everything is slipping away. I just need to hear I'm not alone here. No one in my family understands. They think I'm just fat and lazy. They basically are not there for me.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far!

Ash

Hello Ash - I really don't have any advice or a solution for you, because I am in the same boat. I am struggling with myself, because I know I could succeed at weight loss if I would only stick to a plan. So know that you are not alone. If you browse the forums here you are sure to find one that suits you. There are literally thousands of great members who can give you support and advice. Best of luck to you in your own struggle - Ruby

Ash, You can totally do it this time. Just remember to take things SLOWLY. If you start changing everything all at once you're going to burn out quick. Try including your girls and husband in your exercise by going for a walk as a family after dinner or having them help prepare healthier meals. They know you are beautiful inside and out but you've got to get healthy to be there for them. It is soo hard to do so just admitting that you have a problem and need to do something about it is a huge step. Forget what other people say about you being lazy and what you should do instead. They aren't *you* and they can't tell you how it feels to live your life. Good luck with everything and I know you'll reach your goals.

Ash-

You are not alone. If you have been lurking, then I am betting you have read some very similar posts that practically mirror your own life. I know I did!!!

The fact that you have written down the reasons you need to lose and what has been hindering you shows you are finally at the point where success will come. Dieting is a hard thing. Its a lifetime commitment! And, as with most things, it is a struggle. If it was easy, then none of us would be here!! This is a great site with a lot of great women and men that know what you are going through and are willing to listen, offer advice, comfort, and even a swift kick in the behind when the need arises!

Take it one day at a time, one little victory at a time. Just don't give up and try hard to be kind and loving of yourself!

Ash....
Hugs and Welcome!! Im a newbie here too...and know how you feel...We are sooo glad you decided to post and share...this is a wonderful place with some wonderful people!! I too have the WATP DVD...and I love it...It was difficult at first for me...and now Im doing the 2mile walk and doing Curves.......Hang in there...it will get easier...
I wish you luck...........and agree...TAKE IT ONE DAY at a TIME!! Dont' give up!!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Selena

This is seriously the most supportive forum I have ever seen. The people are wonderful, and even though we all have varying backgrounds, we have a common goal. Since you've been on here for 6 months, I'm sure you've read what people are trying and what is working for them so it can give you a good starting point. The most important thing is that you are ready to make a change, and you have good reasons to do it. You are so lucky to have a husband who adores you, and trust me, when you start losing weight, even when it isn't visible to anyone else, you'll get some of your confidence back.

Dear Ash,
I am a newbie and I know exactly where you are coming from! Keep talking and stay positive, know that you are loved and we really care!
Jackie

Dear Ash, everyone is right, you are not alone! I know exactly where you are coming from because I've been there, we all have. One of the most important things I've learned about this process is that this is all about choices. You have the choice not to let the cravings and the junk food win. Believe me, I know it's hard, but it really is up to you. It sounds like you've got a wonderfully supportive husband which should help tremendously. You've got to learn to make yourself and your health a priority. You've got to take care of your childrens' mommy if you hope to be able to take care of them. Try breaking your weight loss up into smaller goals along the way. I'm sure you've read that saying here before, "I may not be able to lose 100 lbs. but I can lose 10 lbs. 10 times." You know what needs to be done. You know that any exercise is better than none at all. If you slip up don't let it throw your whole day or week off. Get right back OP at the very next opportunity and just keep going. You can do this if you are willing to commit to a whole new way of life, and by the way it sounds, I think you're ready for that. You've done it before, we all know you can do it again. Just never, ever give up!!

Good luck, we're here for you!
Beverly

Dear Ash, You are not here alone. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because I could really sympathize with you. I have felt EVERYTHING you speak of. My entire family suffers because of how I feel about myself. And sometimes I do feel very alone like no one knows what I'm going through inside.

But people here know. Its funny, I read everyones posts and I know they have or are going through what I am. It is comforting to know others know where I'm coming from.

I am here for you anytime. You can email me PM me or just keep posting and I will look for you.

You sound so determined. You are going to lose this weight. You are going to reach all of your goals. You can do it.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. You are what makes these boards helpful to me.

Take Care.

Ash,
I just read your post, and I'm in tears. Like you, I'm suffering from extremely low self esteem, and depression. Listen to me, repeat it, and believe it...YOU ARE NOT LAZY! People who steriotype larger people into categories, is my pet peeve. I know larger girls who are 10 times more active than thier thinner freinds, and yet they still get seen as lazy just because they're big. It bull. Don't pay attention to it. It's not true. You are beautiful. You husband sees it, your children see it. I'm praying that you'll be able to see it.

Blessings to you,
Jennifer

Hello Ash,

Nice to meet you. I just joined the board and found your post first. We have so much in common. Don't fret and don't sweat the small stuff. I know, easy for me to say...and not so easy for me to do myself. I, too, seem to fail at every diet, exercise plan...I have done so well at failing that I don't even spend the money or try new things anymore. Do you do this too? Maybe we can commit to something together. I am also embarassed for my husband and kids. Maybe making a commitment with someone who has a equally hard time might make things easier. What do you think? Let me know, okay? I am considering joining weight watchers tomorrow...but are afraid of failure and the waste of money. I will let you know what I have decided.

Take care,
Smile,
BlessedOne

Hi Ash,

I was all set to start writing my own "this is me" post when I read yours. Like so many others here, you could have written that sitting in my chair. I never had a weight problem until I was in my mid-20's and a few years after I could have claimed it was baby fat from my daughter.

I have my own self-esteem problems. I've actually made it a virture to only go out to eat when I can sit in the car and scarf down fast food while reading a book. I have not been on a date in more than 10 years because I am so ashamed of how I look. I've stayed hidden behind the monitor because of the weight. I want to get away from that and actually go out and enjoy the world this spring and beyond. I want to be able to speak normally while walking up 5 flights of stairs, not wheeze and pant. I want to wear my size 8 again and not the size 14 that I am squeezing into now.

I never tried a diet per se, only videos like The Firm, Tae-Bo, etc. I've had moderate successs...if only I can stay motivated and not whimp out after a week.I'm hoping that actually having a diet buddy here will change that and give me something to look forward to.

I hope anyone that reads this can relate and will give me a shout.

Mauri

Hi there,

Dear I dont know what to say but have you been to see a doctor? Being overweight can make you depressed, I know this I spent a year never leaving the house, actually probably about two years. Try to see a specialist, weight loss is hard work and will take alot of commitment but dear something that will make your life better is worth the hard work