I came across this website while I was Googling weight loss support. I was going through different threads and was so inspired by the before and after pictures. If I were to write about why I got to this place, this weight, and this level of depression then everyone would be reading for hours!
Long story short, I reached 217 pounds about 3 1/2 months ago. I had already quit Jenny Craig several times in the past, but this time I truly reached rock bottom. I have mental illnesses including severe panic disorder and PTSD, and leaving my house is hard enough as it is. As I was in Walmart I saw an old (not so much) friend from high school. I immediately without thinking jumped into a clothes rack. I didn't want that person to see me. I get so scared to leave the house, but what makes it almost impossible is that I don't want to run into people and them see that this pretty 145 pound girl who they put through **** every single day, turned in to an almost 220 pound damaged soul. I feel horrible complaining about my weight when there are many more
inspirational people on here who are fighting to lose more than I have to.
That 145 pound girl was so beautiful, slender, in shape and could light up a room. I talk about her in third person because it doesn't seem like she was me. I look back at old pictures or have these memories and they don't seem real. It doesn't seem like it was ever me and I get jealous of her. It seems like a completely different person in a completely different life. At the time I hated myself. I thought I was fat, I thought that I was uglier and I thought that I wasn't good enough. People who lived around me were all under 130 pounds and I was always the outcast in school. I would do anything to be that girl again. I wish there was a rewind button and I wish that I could take it all back. But then I start to look at my arms, my legs, my stomach, my back and ask why I ever did this to myself. Why didn't I ever stop? I am 193 now, but I still don't feel like I lost anything. The only time that I see it is when I can fit back in my old clothes. That is what has kept my motivated. But then I stop and think that I will never be that 145 pound girl again. I honestly could care less about stretch marks because I have dealt with them since elementary school. It only bothers me that they're on my arms and the back of my knees. I am so worried about still having a tummy pooch when this is all over. I am going to try doing things that my friends have said really helped them, but who knows. I am completely covered in stretch marks on my mid stomach, all over my back, my arms, my bikini area and the back of my legs. At the end of losing all of this weight I want to rock a bikini and know that those stretch marks only represent how much will power and strength that I had to get in shape again. Like I said, I am only scared about not losing the skin or the amount of cellulite I have. I did have to take a break from Jenny which made my weight loss slow down, because I was taking care of my dog after her amputation. Unfortunately, cancer won the battle with my dog and now I am contributing to her very expensive vet bills. I ONLY get breakfast from Jenny but everything else I do on my own. I am having a hard time exercising right now because I really overdid it. I hurt the muscles in my ribs and shoulders for the most part.
ANYWAYS, I haven't been seen unclothed (even by myself) in over two years. I refuse to let anyone see me like this. I wanted to join here and make a huge step in getting a weight lifted off of me by posting a picture of my stomach as of today. I wanted to look back on it and be proud of myself. I wanted to post it here where I can fight through a fear in a place where I won't be judged. I am too self conscious to show how horribly my back and sides look, but I feel like this is a first step in the right direction. The only problem was that when I took these pictures I truly saw what I can't see in the mirror. I was so disgusted. I put sweatpants and a sweatshirt on to cover myself up because I felt so ugly. I felt so empty, so sad, and I don't have anyone here that truly understands me. I have food addiction and I am constantly fighting that day in and day out. Someone told me that if I wanted to lose weight all I would have to do is put down a cheeseburger and exercise. I think everyone would be nice and skinny if were that easy.
End of long rant! I'm sorry - I just needed to vent.
I'm 21, 5'7" and 193 pounds.
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I'm joining this because I have nowhere else to turn..
