[Scondy]

My entire life has been a struggle with weight loss and weight gain - the gaining winning overall. I'm sure there are many women on this website who have had the same experience. Being in the fashion industry has truly taken its toil on me. Although I am interested in being a size 0 and eating a carrot a day, I would like my jovial youthful spirit back, as well as a body that would blend in with the fashion crowd. I am behind the lens bravely snapping pictures, yes I fear stepping in front of the truth teller. The last thing I want to do is go to fashion events and feel the judgmental eyes landing on me yet again. It's an exhausting business to be in. One might ask why I am a part of it and I can only say that it's what I feel I am led to do, regardless of the challenges I face every day with my physical self.

The Break Down:
I have participated in many diet fads. Some have worked, for a short time, and some were a complete failure. I have had a personal trainer, spent thousands of dollars on her to yield only "tone up" results. I have had my thyroid checked, only to be told it's working and I have maintained an excellent diet, only to fail because bad foods are so freakin' good. This usually happens when I have gotten upset and decided I was worthy of looking beautiful anyway.

Why I Need to Do This:
I need energy. I'm working on my Master degree while working for modeling agencies in town. I'm tired all the time, rarely want to get up, and I feel so lazy and without purpose.

I want to fit in chairs comfortably. I can't even describe how miserable I am sitting, yet sitting is all I do. I hate that my booty hangs over the side of chairs while others rest comfortably. I hate that when I take a flight somewhere I have to make the seatbelt go as far as possibly just to be comfortable.

I want to be hit on. Of course we can pin it on men to be shallow when they don't want to date a "bigger girl," but in all fairness they want to be with someone they are attracted to. I am a fat girl, so I am overlooked, undesirable. I'm in my 20s and I should be going out and enjoying life, but I sit at home, miserable telling myself I don't go out because I am "over that stage" when in all honesty I know I don't belong to that stage and will be miserable if I am apart of it.

For my business. It's hard to be in a body conscious business when you're the exact opposite of what it expects.

In all, I am just tired - so tired of trying. I need to be around positivity. I was grocery shopping yesterday, trying to make healthy choices when some jerk walked up to me in the store and asked "Excuse me, ma'am. But do you know of anyone who wants to make money while losing weight." Of course he was suggesting that I say "how do I sign up." Bottom line I left the grocery store without buying much of anything and sitting in my car crying for an hour before I was in any condition to drive.

I know this is a lot to read and I apologize, but I truly needed to vent. I need help. I need encouragement. I need a reminder to fight for me.

Stats:
Age: 26
Weight: 230+ (I fear owning a scale. I really can't imagine buying one.)
Height 5'3"

[Lakilaulea]

Welcome, Scondy! I wholeheartedly empathize with what you're going through right now. I've long been in the same boat. I'm still finding this journey to be tough (this month has been the toughest), but this is also the longest I've stuck to it, so that's gotta count for something. I've also tried all sorts of diets---homemade remedies, doctor monitored, meal replacement, liquid only, pills, lipo, starvation---and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired all the time, of feeling sluggish and bloated, of not feeling pretty anymore, of not caring enough about my appearance..... Like I said, I totally empathize with you. This site has given me so much support and motivation. The people here are great. They've got advice, experience, and strong shoulders to lean on. Please participate in as much topics here as you can; I think it's my constant joining threads and challenges that's helped to keep me on target. You can do it!! Goodluck and I look forward to seeing you in the threads!!

[Mountain Mamma]

Scondy, If it's encouragement you're looking for, you'll find it here!
And more advice than you can ever use.
You seem discouraged but it seems if you are able to do the the two things you mention - working in the fashion industry (with those size 0’s) AND working on a Master's Degree (with all the stress that entails), you can do this, too! Have you any ideas yet on how you want to approach the weight loss this time? Like Lakilaulea said, we'll be excited to hear more from you.

Good luck!

[Mozzy]

Hugs and good luck!

[avalonmoon]

It's nice to meet you Scondy. This group is a great way to get closer to your goals.

[trabo2009]

Welcome Scondy! Pretty new here too and I'm finding it helpful just to read the threads already on here. Tons of information! Good Luck

[Megan33]

Welcome! You've made it to step one: Being so fed up with the way you look/feel that you do something about it!! Hooray!!!!! I didn't hit that point until I reached 330+ pounds. YOU CAN DO IT!! WOOT WOOT!!!!

-Megan

[Scondy]

Thank you all for the wonderful greetings. I appreciate coming back here after a week of soul searching and planning out how I can make this a success.

Step 1: I got my family's support. My mother, God bless her, has been trying to nudge me in the right direction for years. I use to snap at her when she would invite me to go to the gym or do activity. She's a little size 4 and runs triathlons! I know I have this in my gene pool! She's 100% on board here to help me to be a better tomorrow. I also have the support of her husband. I'm actually nervous to tell my friends what I am doing for fear of what they think. Truly I should say to heck with them, but I FEAR negativity ruining my day! Hah.

Step 2: I have concluded my weight is an emotional shield. It's easy to get fat. It's easy to feel comfortable being unhealthy. It's easy not to put myself out there to get hurt, but I have realized I have hurt myself beyond all reasoning. Wow, wake up call. I cried. Thought. Meditated. Asked myself a series of questions. I need accountability. I NEED a team. I need HELP getting past my emotional issues so I can drop this weight. Every time I would hit that 200lb mark when I would try losing weight in the past I would claim up and tell myself I'd never be skinny anyway. So, I have taken responsibility for my emotional eating habits.

Step 3: I did my research and combined it with how I know I will react to dieting/exercise. As mentioned, I need to be held accountable! I decided on Medi-Weightloss because of the weekly support and Physician care. The Physician also gave me a list of support groups to seek out as well.

Step 4: The analysis. Wow, I went today and got the hard facts of how truly awful I allowed myself to get! It was horrifying to come to terms with the fact I am morbidly obese. ME! Morbidly obese! I weighed in at 245lbs - much more than I thought I was. These hard facts made it sink in even more how imperative it truly is to change my lifestyle habits.

Step 5: Coming to terms with myself emotionally. Acceptance. Of course I cried. Yes, I bawled my eyes out when I realized how much I had let myself go. I have realized how selfish I had been not to take care of myself. Selfish, meaning I indulge myself and do not deny myself for the betterment of my body. However, I am acknowledging how selfish I had been and how much I needed to take control of me and my life.


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Side note about the fashion industry: Ladies, please remember these women that you do see in fashion magazines are more than likely 15-20 years old. They are girls representing women. It's very difficult to be around these 5'10" ethereal beings, but I do not envy them of their bodies. What's difficult is being in the industry and every person expecting women to be perfection even when they are not in front of the camera. It's definitely a VERY VISUAL business. The fashion industry is obsessed with youth and the next up and coming until they cross the line. When I scout a model and she's up and coming here's my advice:

Hot Yoga. Yep, it makes them sweat and the muscles are a lot leaner. Plus, it can help with posture.

Cut out the milk. Get your diary in other ways, but milk makes people break out just like soda.

You'd think I'd know how to take my own advice. :P

[Misti in Seattle]

Hello and

So glad you are here and that you are facing the reality and making a plan.
Good on you!!!

It is fine to cry and get it out of your system as you are facing facts. However, then it is also important to "toughen up." Most of us face negative comments and rude people, etc. Their words sometimes sting. And sometimes we cry over them. But then we have to just let it go and move right ahead with our plan, not letting it set us back.

There is a lot of support and encouragement here, and how wonderful that you have your family's support. Your mother sounds like a gem!!

You can do this!!