Hi, today I am feeling a wonderful sense of peace at having finally stepped on a scale after many years of avoiding it. I was terrified... yet I knew that I needed something concrete, since I often cannot trust what I see in the mirror and my emotions have often played tricks on me, making me feel bigger or smaller depending on my mood. So....no matter what number I saw this morning, the worst is over and now I no longer need to fear the scale, it's just a tool! I know everyone says not to get crazy over the numbers, and I have in the past, but without any scale, I really have had no accountability or concrete measurement, just the depression that comes with getting to big for my pants...
To introduce myself, I am 28, just moved to Montreal from California, and am in the midst of a pretty big life transition. Since the age of 6 I was a competitive gymnast, after which I joined the circus and became a professional acrobat and toured the world as a performing artist for many years. After a really long and hard period in my relationship with my partner where we separated for some time, I fell into all sorts of emotional, social, and behavioral patterns I am not at all proud of. I was dishonest with myself and others, did not take care of my body, and hurt many people in the process. So now, I am in the process of a grand "clean up" or my life, my body, my relationship, and behavior.
Weight has always been very closely linked to everything in my mind and life. I have struggled with anorexia a number of times throughout my gymnastics and circus career. Whenever I got a bad grade in school or someone broke up with me, I was convinced I was fat. I went to a lot of counseling, but things never really felt "fixed" in my head. Instead, it was like I gradually changed from being super strict into a laziness, and as I gained weight and people said I looked healthier, I just felt confused. Now, however, things seem to have reversed themselves, instead of being too controlling with food, I am too lax.
I am currently in the process of getting my Canadian residency since my partner is Canadian and we've decided to settle here in Montreal permanently. I am American, and therefore must wait months and months to be able to work legally. My whole self worth has taken a dive, as I have gone from being an Ivy-league educated, high-achieving professional to being a housewife and working part-time as a nanny. I used to be in magazines and onstage in front of thousands, and I am now taking care of other people's babies and just getting fatter by the day.
I know that in the past, I was too thin to get pregnant and had lost my period, but despite the weight gain I have had over the past years, it doesn't feel healthy. I don't want to be ultra-thin to the point of sickness, but I do not feel fit or like I have a balanced way of eating, which is where I want to be as I contemplate having a child in the upcoming couple of years.
Because I feared my own obsessive mind, I stopped weighing myself about three years ago. At the time, I had just met my partner, was on top of the world in love, seemed to live on romance alone and not even think about food. I was light on my feet and in my spirit, and had never felt prettier. However, as the years have gone on and stresses have appeared, I have gained about fifteen to twenty pounds. It may not sound enormous, but I am having the following problems that make me absolutely hate myself and my current body:
1. I can no longer fit into the majority of my pants. I've split inseam after inseam and cannot stand the feeling of the tightness of the material around my thighs. No matter what I wear, my legs rub together and chafe, and I have developed significant cellulite. Whereas I used to run around in leotards, I cannot bring myself to even wear a short skirt anymore, though I own many.
2. My partner is not as attracted to me, and while he doesn't say it, I know and can feel it, and do not feel as confident or at all sexy any more.
3. I am about to return for a temporary performance job, about 10 pounds heavier than when I was last on stage. I am dreading the costume fitting.
4. I am out of control with certain foods. I binge on bread and carbohydrate rich things. It is especially hard to avoid them as I have to prepare them for my partner and his young son. It feels excruciating to be making them slices of toast, cereal, bagels, etc. when I know that I am not in control around them, and if I have one piece it will turn into many. Since I do all the cooking and lunch-packing, I am always around the kitchen and keep sneaking in more food throughout my time in there. I have started allowing things into my mouth that I never touched before, and my portions of everything keep getting larger. I am ashamed of how much I really want to eat, so always clear the dishes and go get more in the kitchen without others seeing.
5. I recently modeled for a yoga clothing boutique and barely recognize myself. My face is a different shape even.
And so, to conclude this long introduction, at least I have finally weighed myself, and actually, I couldn't have done it and faced the scale without joining this community first. I signed up last night in bed, knowing that when I weighed myself this morning, I wouldn't be alone in my struggle.
Thanks everyone for listening. Now I'm going to go find some more specific forums to check out. Any suggestions?
Finally stepped on the scale and joined 3fatchicks!
