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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 31
S/C/G: 135/127/110
Height: 5' 1''
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i'm new! this is my story!
Hey everyone! This is going to be kind of long, it's more of a bare-all than a quick introduction, so thanks in advance for the patience!
My name is Randi. I'm 19, 5' 1'', and somewhere between 130-135. 137 is the most I've ever weighed. I used to weigh 110 and felt and looked great, and that's my long term goal weight.
I struggle with body image and my weight, especially since I've put on the extra 25 lbs. I've self-diagnosed myself with almost every eating disorder you can think of. I've been a boredom/stress/emotional eater for as long as I can remember. This summer, at my very worst, not only did I eat my feelings but I also had symptoms of binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, night eating, garnished with a pinch of bulimia. Everything except anorexia really. Though it would be a lie to say I've never fantasized about having that kind of control, everything I know about nutrition and the body tells me not eating for days is the most unhealthy kind of skinny you can be.
I came very close to going to a doctor to get help while I was at my worst, but a health insurance problem prevented me from doing so, and since then I've tried to improve my attitude and put it out of my mind. I don't feel as though I really need to see a professional at this point. Saying you think you have an eating disorder and want help is something people expect from only underweight/morbidly obese people, so between not being taken seriously by the people I've opened up to and my own desire for privacy and control, I don't think I'll ever feel that I need to seek help.
I'm conflicted though, because I know I need to figure out what's causing me to have these habits so I can stick to a weight loss plan, change my lifestyle habits, and keep it all off. I really need to get to the root of my boredom/emotional eating and change the habit, because that's the main thing that screws me over time and time again. I have no health insurance and won't for a while, so to all of you who may think I need to seek help - sadly, it's impossible at the moment.
Like I said, my long term goal is 110. While I'm fortunate that I have 25 lbs to lose instead of 200, it's still a huge challenge for me. About three weeks ago I sat down and told myself I was going to change my lifestyle and stick to it, and I lost about 8 lbs in a little less than a month, but I've regained them all and I'm back at square one. This happens to me all of the time. I can never stick to cutting back and exercising often, but I don't understand why. I'll be doing very well and all of a sudden I'll stop caring and whatever I'm craving will be more important than my long term goals. It's like I absolutely cannot control my impulses, no matter how much I try to tell myself that I'm not hungry and having something to eat isn't worth it, I give in anyways.
I want to go on a cleanse and start anew with a healthy diet: fresh fruits and veggies, no processed, fried, or greasy foods; extremely healthy snacks; minimal meat; and enough control to have one treat every couple days. I'm considering going vegetarian, or at least pseudo-vegetarian because fish and lean chicken are so healthy and full of protein. I want to make not only low calorie choices but healthy ones as well. Anyone who's ever cleansed and eaten fresh and healthy food knows that kind of light, clean, clarified, energized feeling I'm talking about. I crave that.
I want to cleanse, stick to personal eating guidelines, take vitamins, develop a workout routine, and set some fitness goals as well as weight goals.
At the beginning of the summer I had to buy a pair of shorts a size up from my normal pants size, and they are literally the only pants I own that fit me right anymore. I want them to be too baggy to even wear. I want to be able to pack away my size sevens and fives and have to go shopping for ones and threes. (Please keep in mind that this isn't unrealistic for me! I'm short and petite, so 1's and 3's are completely healthy and safe for me to aspire to fit into.) I want the pair of jeans I could barely squeeze into when I was 120 to start to fit right, and eventually be too loose. I want to be able to catch my reflection and feel healthy and attractive. Right now when I catch my reflection all I can see is the extra pounds, and all I can think about is how attractive I used to look before I gained them. I want to be proud of my body. I want to like the way I look. I want to feel sexy. Right now I'm even avoiding getting physical with guys because I'm too self conscious about my extra pounds. I don't want to show my body anywhere to anyone.
I know how to eat healthy. I know the best way to lose weight is to eat healthy and exercise. My main problems is commitment and sticking to my plans. This is what's screwed me over countless times. I can only stick to a diet/exercise plan, no matter how realistic it is, for a month at best before I give up and go back to my old ways. And when I do finally lose a few pounds and start to like how I look, I ignore my long term goals and "settle", which eventually leads to me going back to my old habits. This needs to stop. I need to have the control and commitment necessary to not only lose it ALL but keep it off as well. I want to be able to look back and see this as a phase where I lost control for a year but regained it...I don't want this to be a lifelong issue. I need something to push me to go the extra mile. For some reason I just can't keep myself motivated!
Discuss! Help me! Share stories! Inspire me! I just need someone to talk to. How can I keep myself motivated and inspired? I'm already planning on taking pictures to track my progress. I go back to college on the 28th and I want to make the most of the fitness classes and gym there. I want to start over and get ahold of myself. I want to be able to come home for christmas break and be at my goal weight and have new, healthy habits. I really want to go shopping for new, smaller clothes haha! I need to make a detailed plan for myself and vow to stick to it, and talking with someone and hearing what others have to say will really help me. Thanks for reading all of this!
Oh, and I CANNOT count calories. I've tried and all I do is obsess over numbers and it drives me crazy. No matter how healthy I try to be, I almost always end up trying to skip meals and starve myself to keep my calories low. Just something to keep in mind if you have any advice. (:
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Dhani 
