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Junior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2
Height: 5'4"
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New girl checking in!
Hey everyone! I just thought I'd start with the introduction. It seems like the best thing to do to jump in to the community here, and given that I've been back and forth to this site for over 4 years it's about time. I'll make it detailed, so apologies for its length, but I figure the best way to start is to be honest, right?
Okay. So I've always been fat. Always. I joke to friends and family and sometimes strangers that I've been "fat since I was a fetus". A defence mechanism, of course, but still. I remember feeling "different" when I was about 7. And I've pretty much felt "different" ever since. I'm 27 now, and a student with no children (though I do have the most amazingly supportive boyfriend).
One thing that irks me, and has irked me to the point that I sit here writing this, ready to start my weight loss journey, is the memory of myself standing outside work when I was 19, talking about how I was going to lose all this weight and "I'll be an active, slim, healthy 21 year old." And here I am 8 years later and still thinking the same. It will not happen again!
My weight has gone up and down. I don't ever remember weighing before I was in my late teens, but I remember the lowest number I've seen on the scales being around 210. At the moment, I *think* it's around 230, though I wouldn't be surprised if it's a bit lower. I'll find out when the new scales I've ordered arrive, I guess!
I always enjoyed food. I mean, really enjoyed it. Or at least, I thought I did. What I realise now, is that I have never really enjoyed food. I have always enjoyed the thought of food. The thought of having something that tastes good in my mouth. The thought of eating. I have obsessed over food. I have fixated on food. I have eaten an extra meal in secret, parked in a dark alley to hide my shameful bingeing. I'm a smoker (though I plan to give up in the very near future), so I know what physical cravings feel like, and sometimes I have had that very same feeling about food. But when I have food? Forget savouring it. I cram it in as quickly as I can. So quickly that I don't taste or enjoy it, and I don't stop until I feel I cannot physically fit in any more.
Over the last few years, my eating habits have changed somewhat. In 2006 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It was something that came on gradually, but in true textbook form, I didn't realise it was happening. By the time I was diagnosed, it was pretty bad. I had to give up work because I couldn't leave my house. I was agoraphobic for 2-2.5 years and didn't leave my house at all. My computer and the internet became my only form of communication, really, with the outside world. Over the period of my illness, a few things happened. Firstly, my physical activity plummeted. I became pretty much sedentary. Secondly, I forgot to eat a lot of the time, so my food intake dropped dramatically, too. Thirdly, due to having no job and a very minimal income, the things I did eat were incredibly low in nutrients. We're talking instant noodles and packets of microwave rice. Things I didn't enjoy nor crave.
Fast forward to 2009, and I met my current partner who has been absolutely, ridiculously supportive and helpful. It's important for me to stress here that my happiness is not entirely based on my relationship with him, but rather that he has a genuine desire to see me be independently happy, and supports me in ways that make that happen. I left the house alone for the first time to enroll in university (after much prompting and nagging from him) in September, to get that degree I always wanted, and recently finished the first year at the top of my class. Things are looking up. And now it's time to battle "that weight thing".
I eat nowhere near the amount that I did before I was ill, but I am not in active work, so I don't burn anywhere near the amount I did before. I am roughly the same size, though in recent months I have made more of an effort to watch what I eat and it's led to me losing somewhere in the region of 14 lbs. but that's according to 2 different scales, so I'm reluctant to celebrate! I am also still pretty much sedentary. Something that will change! Right now I tend to eat one huge portion per day, sometimes leaving it 30-40 hours between eating. This, too, is about to change.
I have made commitments before. But they have been commitments to be thin. This is not a commitment to be thin. This is a commitment to be healthy and happy. This is a commitment to run headlong into that last barrier to contentment with determination, and not to fall at the first 'hiccup' as I have so many times in the past. This is a commitment to be the me I know I can be.
These are my initial commitments:
-I will eat three times a day.
-I will eat slowly and learn to recognise when my body is "satisfied".
-I will eat things that will help my body to be healthy and catch up with my mind.
-I will exercise in SOME form at least once per day, for at least ten minutes, EVEN WHEN I REALLY, REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. No. ESPECIALLY when I really, really don't feel like it.
-I will sleep regularly during the night to aid the above.
-I will truly appreciate and enjoy the small achievements, without thinking about how far away the end goal is.
-I will utilise and feed from every shred of support I can get from anyone!
-I will allow myself to lose a battle, and still keep focused on the war.
-I will never, ever, ever be on a "diet".
I think that's it. Wish me luck!
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Dhani 
