Hello,
I joined 3FC a month or so ago but this is my first posting. I am completely frustrated with myself. Maybe writing something will help me get some of my frustration out.
My name is Jessi, I am 29 years old. I will be 30 in 2 months...
... I have an 12 year old daughter. I have been over weight all of my life, except for 1 year in high school. I got pregnant when I was 17 and I have been busy raising my daughter since. So I went from 142 pounds when I was 17 to 208 at the end of my pregnancy. I wasn’t really friends with a scale at that point so I am going to assume from the size clothes I was wearing I dropped down to 185ish. I then gained a bunch of weight and the next thing I knew I was 22 and 216 pounds. I did not know much about nutrition or exercises so I was trying unsuccessfully to lose the weight. It was a couple of more years and I finally got on a scale again. 254! I new I was big but I did not feel that big. I was so upset yet, I still did nothing about it. I was very disappointed in myself. I didn't want to talk to any of my friends. I didn’t want them to see me that way. I started a new job in the June of 2006. In August, I woke up one day and just declared this is not how I wanted to be anymore. It took me longer than I had hoped but by February of 2007 I had lost 54 pounds. I was so proud of myself. I loved the way I felt, I was running everyday. I was running in 5k’s. I was lifting weights, doing Weight Watchers and working out everyday. I accomplished all of this with 3 herniated disks and a very bad case of Arthritis in my hip and lower back. I was so happy with myself...
In 2007, My marriage of 4 years was quickly ending, it was an abusive relationship and I was happy to end it. I loved being out with my friends again. I got back in touch with a friend of mien from high school and we hit it off right away. Bad thing was, I loved going out with him. We would go to restaurants and go have a drink or 2. I started to go to his family gatherings ever weekend. He is Italian, they have a feast every weekend and you can’t say no to an Italian Mom telling you to eat! Especially when you are entering into an Italian Catholic family as the new Irish girl that has been married and divorced and had a daughter out of wedlock. There was some pressure there to be liked since they did not like my past. Anyway, in 1.5 years I gained back 20 pounds. I lost my best friend and gained back 10 more. I married my Italian husband, a lot of stress there with his family I gained back some more. In December of 2009, I had a miscarriage. I have now gained back every pound I had lost and I feel worse than I ever have in my life, physically and mentally. I promised myself after I lost the baby that I would lose 20 pounds before we tried again. I was 3 month along at the time of the MC and weighed 242. I gained 12 pounds which put me back at 254. That was in June. I have since lost 10 pounds, gained 2, gained 1 more, lost 1, gained 2, lost 2. It is now 8 months after I lost the baby and I am up a couple of pounds from what I was at in December. I wake up and say, today is the day, that lasts for a week or 2 at most. For some reason I just don't stick to it.
I am an emotional eater. Every time I get mad at myself I eat. Every time, something happens I eat. What makes me do this? I don’t know where to begin to look for that answer.
I got a call last weekend that my nephew was hurt at war overseas. His injuries are very serious, that has been worrying me all week. My husband had surgery last week so this week it leaves me to take care of my daughter, my dog, the house, my husband, my school work, my full time job and worry about my nephew. My parents are not doing well and I am the only child that cares. I am always the one people depend on. I am the one that throws the baby showers, there to help pick up the pieces in everyone elses life and answers the phone when people need me. I know I need to say no, it is very hard for me. I am really overwhelmed and exhausted.
I want to join a fit kickboxing class, but I am to embarrassed. What the **** is wrong with me!!!! I need to change myself, I have so much frustration and anger in me and I want to be happy with myself again. I want to love me. I am to embarrassed to walk in there with these skinny people and try to do what they do because I will look like an idiot. I know I can do it. It will take time to get back up to the fitness level I want to be at, but I need to do it. Its sad that I probably will not. I am letting fear take over my life. Shouldn’t fear of dying be more important!!!! I want to be strong again, not just physically but mentally. I want to over come all of this. I want to live a happy healthy life with my daughter and my husband and have more babies and stay healthy while doing it.
I have looked at all of the success stories on here and it gives me motivation. Everyone looks great. I am just not sure why I can’t seem to stick with it this time. I want it so badly.
I will take any advice anyone wants to give. Thank you all for listening. Sorry it is such a long post. I never even thought I would post anything at all. I guess I am trying to make this my first step of being brave and getting what I want. I need to own my actions and really change my life.
Hello, I am new to 3FC... I am open to all advice!!!!
Dhani 
