[iluvtori]

Okay! Here goes nothing. I'm an emotional eater who has struggled with bulimia and binge eating for about 20 years. I am 32 years old. I started eating as a way of dealing with a troubled childhood. I was about 240 lbs. in highschool, though I never weighed myself.

My weight has fluctuated from upwards toward 300 lbs., although I've been as low as 180 back in 2001. Now I'm a horrible 279 and feel awful! I have tried everything from prescription speed, medifast, & personal trainers. I'm miserable right now. I suffer from lower back pain and am lethargic. I'm in a great place right now professionaly and academically, but I'm failing miserable in my weight loss struggle.

I hate being obese. It's the most uncomforable feeling in the world. Nothing would make me happier than to be healthy. I have felt that before. To have energy and not feel so sloppy and gross. I am dying inside. I binge eat to deal with my feelings of disgust about my body and purge only when nobody is home to hear me do it. I will have one good week, than do miserably the next.

How do I get back on track? I just devoured a half an individual sized pizza and one breadstick and a diet coke from Pizza Hut (shared w/ my Mom) than hid in the kitchen and finished a package of roast beef, than made a chicken breast sandwhich w/ mayo & cheese and a giant handful of potato chips. Sick!!!!! What do I do??? How do I stop eating as a sport? It's turned into something I can't control, only when I puke it up than it feels so much better. I have terrible shame over this! To imagine, people and especially children who haven't even the luxury of 3 square meals, to squander food so selfishly the way I do.

Anyway, I'm sorry for spilling my guts on here, but I happened across this website about a year ago and google it to read Alli reviews and thought perhaps I could take a chance and really be honest for once about something that brings me the most grief and strife in my life (hey that rhymed).

[honeybjones]

Hi there. You have courage beyond measure to face up to and admit your issues. Since you are a student, I URGE you to go see your on-campus counseling center for some professional help. I work with delinquent student loans borrowers who occasionally get their loan forgiven for medical reasons. A few months ago we forgave a debt after the borrower died...from complications of anorexia. It is that serious. Start by liking who you are on the inside because that person will still be there regardless of your weight.

[winning the war]

I have to agree with honeybjones. You are incredibly brave for sharing that on this site. Please seek professional help with the eating disorders. You can have, and deserve to have, a better life. This site is a good first step, but there are many more to be taken. You are obviously very strong inside, so draw on that strength to help yourself out of the rut you're in. You'll find lots of people on this site that can share info and won't judge you. Good luck to you!

Jenny

[LouisaH]

Hurray for you! You just took the first step (and the hardest, I hope) in making a real change in your life. You decided it's time, so that means you're ready. Everyone on this site is spilling their stories out for all to see, and yet we can all be anonymous if we choose. It's totally safe and nobody is going to judge you here.

I agree with the others that you should go see a counselor who can help you on a regular basis to stick with a program. Also, you may want to start a blog and just vent it all out. Another thing you can try is tracking your calories on My Fit Day, My Fitness Pal, or any other online calorie counter. These are all ways of making yourself be accountable for your actions, which I find helps keep me from sneaking food, or over eating. But truly, a counselor can help you with the deep-seated reasons that you use food as a crutch and continue to abuse it and yourself. You are worth it and you can change it. Good luck and keep us posted on your progess!

[leeway]

Hi ilovetori!
Apologies are not needed for being honest and brave - also don't worry about anyone here not being open-minded, there are so many here that understand exactly how you feel, they have been (or are) where you are now and know the struggle too well - today you are one huge step closer to the healthier life you desire - the support you need is here.

Glad to have you join us! There are lots & lots of different groups and forums. Check out the Chicks in Control - there're wonderful people battling emotional and binge eating too and can offer support and advice from their first hand experiences. Maybe try the 30 somethings and the weight loss support forums, they're active and very helpful - also the Success stories are a definite must for motivation.

There are bunches of people here with more to lose and some with less - the bottom line is that we all have to do it a day at a time. The good thing is that we'll have lots of company along the way.

I've only been here since last fall, having NEVER been part of an online forum. What has been so eye-opening is how much it has helped me. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or defeated, I just log on and read some of the success stories, complete with their before & after photos - or read about others still dealing day to day with their challenges - and before I know it, the time has flown by and so have all the thoughts of going off track or giving up. It has made all the difference in my success so far.

So welcome - you've found the right place - join in by inspiring us and being inspired!

All the best - good luck with your goals,
Lee

[iluvtori]

I feel a little better after reading your kind responses. I will definitely check out the Chicks in control forum. I have a conselor, I meet with her once a month. It's hard for me even then to stay accountable to myself. Last night was terrible. I felt so full and awful, and ended up dumping all those calories. Everytime I tell myself I'm not going to overeat in the first place, I tend to fall off that wagon after about a week of successful dieting and exercise. So, it's time to jump back on the wagon and try to get my tummy back down. I saw myself on video camera and I think that may have been what triggered my latest binging episodes.

[randomcards]

When I made my first introductory post on here about 2 months ago I listed my motivations for losing weight.

Right near the top was "Every cell in my body feels dead". Which sounds similar to what you can describe.

I can honestly say that in less than 2 weeks on the personal plan I developed for myself, I almost completely reversed this. It was in my opinion astonishing, and I saw results here way before seeing similar results on the scale or in looks.

And to be honest if I had to trade any slimmer looks or smaller clothes for how much more "alive" I feel I wouldn't do it in a million years.

So all that to provide some encouragement that if you take the right steps one of the biggest things you mention won't take forever to reverse!

[iluvtori]

Me 2! I can literally feel the fat molecules clinging on and wearing me down. When I was in my 20s I had all this energy but last year I started to feel it draining me when the pressure at work was at it's peak for me. This was followed by the worst depression I've ever experienced. Physically & emotionally I was at my weakest than got on anti-depressants & improved some what enough to get going in the right direction.

Spiritually, I feel more motivated for this than ever and I feel so happy I've found the interactions on this forum that I can relate to.

Just need a little reality check every once in a while, but luckily they are needed far fewer than usual these days.

Now how do I get energy to go walking outside in 30 something degree weather when I haven't been in over a week? LOL

[cathydoe]

Hi everybody, have an openmind

Why did you feel like we needed to keep an openmind? What I have found here on 3FC is people embrace each other with open arms...with no shaming or pointing fingers or telling each other what to do or not to do (unless asked ) This has been a very safe and loving place for me. I hope you find the same! Keep coming back. You are a very brave young lady!

[jigglefree]

Welcome. This is the first website I've been on where the support was not overrated. I have to say most of the success I have is because I come on this site. Everyone has been so wonderful. There's always someone that can relate and help you get over the hump. Stick around and you will see.

Glad you have someone to speak with to help you through the process. Congratulations on moving forward and welcome to the best weight loss support group online. We are all on an individual journey but traveling together.

[hloehr73]

FIRST off I would meet with your doctor about your anti depressant meds. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and some of the meds that I have been on made me GAIN weight. Maybe there is another med that you could try that won't if that is part of it.

Also I am a HUGE (no pun intended) emotional eater as well. And I have noticed recently that I have now become obsessed with calorie counting. I feel horribly guilty if I eat anything that has over 100 calories in it. (i can compine 2 or 3 things to make my 400 cals a meal)

Maybe meeting with your counselor more often will help as well.

There has been MANY times where I have opened the fridge and noone was looking and was tempted to eat something that would throw me way off my diet but who would I be lying to? MYSELF!! And I have come to realize that I am WAYYY more important than that. I write down everything that goes into my mouth. Including just nibbles or handfuls.

As for the energy to get up and walk when it's freezing outside...I know the feeling. I live in South Dakota and we have 2 seasons. Winter and construction. LOL! But I park farther from doors at stores, I walk Walmart, go to the mall, take stairs.

This is the longest I have ever eaten healthy. I don't like the word diet cuz this is a life long change and battle. And diet seems like such a naughty word.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. This site is amazing. When I am having a rough day I can sit on here for hours just reading and it does help.

Sorry got so long winded. But please know that we are all here for you every step of the way.