[mxgirl737]

Hey everyone! I'm finally getting around to introducing myself, and to warn you it might be long! My name is Shari, I'm 23 years old and am from Minnesota. It's weird. I've always been chubby. It started when I was a kid...I had childhood epilepsy. Not an excuse, I know...but the medicine that I was on (I like to blame the prednisone) made me blow up. I just never really lost the weight. I wouldn't say I was super overweight, in fact, I never really knew anything was wrong with me...UNTIL my parents started taking food away from me, telling me I had to watch my weight. I had so much criticism from my immediate family...I guess I just sort of accepted that I was fat. I saw a nutritionist when I was a kid, tons of specialists... nothing really worked. It was almost like when they'd tell me I couldn't have something...I wanted it. And I'd make sure I'd get it...so I was sneaking around a lot eating complete junk.

I think I have pretty high self esteem...and a lot of confidence, except in the weight category. It's sorta weird, I just ignore it...and honestly I didn't know I was as fat as I am. When I stepped on the scale recently and it said 248, I didn't know what the heck was happening. Where is all this weight...I think I look fairly normal. I've seen tons of doctors in my "adult" years for many different things...and not a single one of them had ever brought up the fact that I was way overweight. That is almost unbelievable to me. I'm very active and have fabulous health otherwise. Looking back I know that I really got out of control during my last three years of college. I was living with someone who was a definite enabler... in fact, I never had to buy food. I could have all the pizza and mcdonalds...all the shots of alcohol (I didn't even THINK about the calories!!!) and beer I wanted. Even when I tried really hard to diet, they'd make sure there were m&ms or other junk foods around to distract me. I know I gained a vast majority of the weight at this time. I was also stressed about school.

...This is getting long...and it's late here , my thoughts are sort of scattered...so I'll try and wrap it up real quick. After college I delayed applying to medical school (I have 2 degrees---psychology and cell biology)...not because I don't think I'll get in, but because I'm fat. I'm so scared that I'll make a bad impression at the interview. I know this sounds ridiculous...but it's one of my deepest fears. I don't want to get passed over because I give off the assumption that I am not healthy. ...So in the mean time I'm working at Mayo Clinic doing pharmacy and surgical research and volunteering in the free clinic. I've also joined the gym and the wellness program they offer. I've been finding some success so far...but we'll see how it all goes. I think I just need someone to talk to that understands, you know?

Is this a normal fear? ...has anyone else felt like they were going to be judged and passed over for something because they are overweight?


...I'm also going to try and attach some photos of me before I started losing weight and now (about 25lbs lighter)... I guess I have to wait until I post a little more though.

[srmb60]

I see that you are making your way around 3FC already. That's great!

I just wanted you to know that you are welcome and that if there's anything we can help with ... all you have to do is ask.

[ellis]

Originally Posted by mxgirl737

Is this a normal fear? ...has anyone else felt like they were going to be judged and passed over for something because they are overweight?

I think it's "normal" for a lot of us, unfortunately.
Like you, I'm busting out with self-esteem and confidence, but I'm always afraid others are looking at me and thinking, "She must be a failure because she can't control her eating."
What I don't get is that that feeling isn't enough to push me to do something about it. If I care so much, why am still sitting at the computer right now instead of running on the treadmill? An activity that makes me feel so good.

Last week I learned something new about myself when I was seeing my psychiatrist. He questioned some of the things I do/don't do, and asked if I might be acting out of rebellion. !! That really nailed it. Many of my actions are a result of my thinking, "I don't have to do that if I don't want to!"
How pathetic is that? Imagine... some of the things I've been attributing to my depression are actually the result of... gasp... my own personal choices!

Sorry... I'm rambling, but you really started me thinking again, Shari. Thank you for that.
I hope you'll continue to post in the forum, and I wish you the very best. Whatever your thoughts may be, I hope they lead you to a healthy lifestyle.