I just set up my account and tried to dream a little about who the ideal me would be. (Which is why I chose Ariel the mermaid who wished she could be someone .) For myself, I can't even imagine even imagine an ideal me yet, frankly that's a little scary, but hopefully the vision will emerge if I start working on it.
Here are the facts I am a short, chubby middle-aged single mom who lives with one of her kids and her sister and three dogs (my sister's children). I work helping other people meet their goals in an organization that values the balance of spirit, mind and body. Like the 3 fat chicks, my sisters and I are also 3 fat chicks who have struggled with weight all our adult lives. As the oldest chick, I hope to set a healthier example for the younger ones than I have in the past.
I live in the midwest, I have high blood sugar, take hormone replacements (don't lecture me--my mom has taken them for 40 years and actually participated in the national study that revealed the risks, but she is a healthy 72 with no health problems) and meds for under active thyroid. I am morbidly obese and I believe the only reason I don't have diabetes and more health problems is because I have been doing fairly regular early morning cardio workouts for the last ten years. (Not enough to lose weight, but enough to help me face each day and get dressed and go to work.)
Most days I promise myself I can go back to bed and call in sick if I just get up and do 30 minutes of exercise. Luckily for my bottom, and my financial bottom line, after I exercise I feel good enough about my self to get in the shower, give myself a pep talk about "faking a positive attitude until I really have a postive attiitude--" then I get dressed for work and leave the house making sure I avoid all mirrors all day except the rear view mirror in my car.
Does anyone else perform these complicated rituals to avoid their lives day in and day out?
I am a Health Seeker, a term we use at the YMCA where I work to describe people who would like to be healthier but either don't know, or are too afraid, too busy, have too many commitments, (or in my case too many excuses) to a stay committed to a healthy lifestyle.
I suddenly realized today that I overcommit to everyone else in my life inorder to have the excuse of not taking care of myself. Today on a long drive home, I suddenly felt a panic on what was I going to do after my son graduates from school and moves away. He's my biggest excuse. With his graduation, most of my excuses will be gone, the excuses of why I can't get in a relationship --I say I don't want to bring a significant other into my life when my kids need to be a top priority what I am not saying is I am too fat to have someone love me. I say I can't get a new job, because this I'm in the ideal job which allows me to be a full-time worker, full-time mom and part-time parental caretaker--yes I work wierd, long hours, but I have flexibility. What I am not saying is, I have no clothes to give a good first impression to a new employer. There are actually a hundred more excuses I have for not doing things like taking a dance class, going swimming, allowing myself to be photographed but they all whittle down to this I hate to do anything that will remind me of how fat I am. Which is why I spend most of spare my time in front of the tv overeating.
The only thing diet trick I haven't tried is expose my own lies and find out why I am avoiding of my own life. Is it fear, depression, laziness, lack of direction--I hope journaling about my eating on this site will keep me honest and journaling on my feelings will help me dig a little deeper into why I overeat.
So here is my true confession for today. I ate a sleeve of thin mints and 1/2 a box of dove ice cream bites---other than the extra 2000 cr so calories in sweets I ate a balanced lunch and dinner. I wasn't prepared to journal my food today, but I am promising myself that I will do that tomorrow. I plan to have a breakfast or oatmeal, skim milk and take and apple and cheese slice for a snack. Don't know about lunch and dinner yet, although I do have sensible choices in my home ready to heat or take.
My goal for this first week is to journal food eaten and exercise and to journal my feelings about emotional eating and what is and and is not working.
In reviewing other posts, I see a lot of honest revealing confessions, emotion, strength and support. I need a lot of all those for myself and I think I'll be happy in this new roost! Thanks for listening and good night for now
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Dove ANYTHING is my chocolate of choice! I think it is great that you are analyzing your habits and writing it down. I know that for me, to SEE THE ACTUAL WORDS printed out is a real eyeopener! I have been in denial for a long time, too!
