Didn't Know I had Never Been Fat Before...
I realize now that I never have really been overweight before. I've usually stayed at about 140 lbs. give or take 5. I've always been a size 8 sometimes going up to a 10 or occasionally down to a 6. In my head I was always 10 lbs overweight no matter what the scale said. I'm not one of those people who could eat whatever and not worry about it. I always had to watch what I ate. I made sure that I exercised everyday....eventually that was more for mental health than physical. I didn't feel good without it. I've had to lose post-baby weight three times. It was never easy but I got it off eventually, slowly, sometimes it took a couple of years.
But now I find myself having just turned 40 and at almost 200 lbs. I have gained 40 of those pounds since last June. Before that it took me a few short months to put on 20 lbs. I don't know how it got so out of control. Two years ago around thanksgiving I got sick nothing major but just a bad cold that wiped me out for weeks. I couldn't exercise and by Christmas I didn't have the energy to get one decoration out. It just spiraled from there. I was never able to get back to exercising regularly and by fall I couldn't even get out of bed. Having been treated for depression twice before I did realize it was time to get help but doing it was hard. I didn't have a doctor at the time. I remember getting the kids off to school one day and crawling back into bed. Eventually I called this doctors office that I had never been to and asked for an appointment. When I started crying uncontrollably while trying to explain the problem they got me in asap. That helped a lot, getting on anti-depressants. I thought for sure that would be the end of the weight gain and I was only 20lbs overweight at that point. I did stop gaining but never got back up to my old exercise routine and never got serious about dieting to lose those 20lbs
When summer 2006 rolled around my oldest son was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder (RSD- Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy aka CRPS - Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome), my husband didn't step up like I needed him to, and I spent every waking moment obsessing and worrying about my son not mention multiple trips to the doctor and/or physical therapy each week. We made trips out for ice cream several times a week all summer. It made everyone feel better. For the first time ever I stopped obessing about the last 10lbs and didn't worry about my weight at all. By the end of the summer I had put on more weight of course and I realized that I had some major issues in my marriage that I needed to work out with my husband. But I had also discovered how good a pint of chocolate chip ice cream with bittersweet topping could make me feel. The ice cream made me feel good several times a week. I think I had 5 pints just last week. In fact sometimes it was hard to think about anything else. I know in hindsight that I was using it avoid dealing with my emotions and marital issues and the problems with my son. But at the time it just tasted so good and I thought I just had no willpower. Now my son is better, my marriage is getting better and I find that the ice cream is just a bad habit that is hard to break but I need to do it. I'm ready to do it. My meals are and always have been healthy. That much ice cream is not.
At this weight I am a completely different person. I don't want to go out so I avoid it as much as possible. I'm embarrassed to run into people that haven't seen me in awhile. I hate going shopping for new clothes and usually just order stuff online. I only have one pair of jeans that fit me in a closet stuffed with clothes. I'm avoiding going to the doctor and dentist for checkups which is something that I never worried about. My youngest son wants to go swimming at one of the very fun indoor pools near us but I actually told him I couldn't take him until I lost weight. My feet and knees hurt. I'm sure my blood pressue and cholesterol are not good. I lose my breath if I walk up the stairs too quickly. I used to jump out of bed in the morning and head straight down my basement to workout. Now instead I drag myself out of bed and head to the couch. I definitely avoid the mirror...dressed or not.
The good news is as of last Saturday I am exercising everyday again. I have some good equipment in my basement that I used to use everyday and I'm back down there again. I joined a gym with my friends to take a Zumba class a few days a week. I'm following the Best Life rules for eating healthy. The last 24hours are the first that I have gone without the ice cream in awhile. I love dark chocolate so I'll let myself have a little of that each day but I'm hopeful that I'm done with the ice cream habit. I'm excited to wear my clothes again and to get back to loving to shop. I'm excited to get back to being a healthy active person and to start setting a good example for my 3 sons. I'm excited to feel good about myself and to be able to believe the compliments my husband gives me (yes, he has never stopped telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and has never mentioned the weight.) I'm excited to get to a point where I can deal with problems like those above (because life happens everyday and sometimes there are problems) without diving into a pint of ice cream or whatever. Having been through it before I know that I won't make the same mistake twice.
The hardest thing was getting started. Now I'm just taking it day by day. Wish me luck!
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