So I am new to 3fatchicks, and i looked and looked for a forum or thread that i could join about my issue. MY MOTHER. So i have never been a skinny kid, but i have always been taller than most people around me (back in my country, everyone is short, in US about average size) but my mom has always been obsessed about my weight, even more than I have ever been. I have three sisters and no brothers; when my mom talks about her kids the first thing she says is "i have two fat ones and two skinny ones!"
Well, I had escaped her obsession when I eloped and ran away with my african husband (racism, a whole other issue) and moved the Northern California. I just had a baby in Sept. and wanted to work from home so we moved back to SoCal and are renting from my parents. Now we are next door neighbors, and not only is she recording every morsel of food i put in my mouth, she is looking in my refrigerator and calling me every morning to see what I am going to cook for dinner. I had an eating disorder I attribute to the pressure she put on me during high school (called the french fries and ranch dressing once a day only diet/anorexia). I feel she is pushing me over the edge again, but now I eat for comfort even though I feel I am ready to blow from eating! I don't know how to deal with her, and she is doing exactly the same thing to the other fat daughter. How can people deal with that kind of pressure????!!!!!!!
Wow, that is really a difficult situation!!! I think your Mom just must be worried sick about you and as a result she goes way too far with it. But that's not to excuse what she does.
Given what it's like to be that close to your Mom--living-wise--do you HAVE to live there and rent from them? It sounds like a pretty bad situation because you can't get away from her (or her from you). Maybe you ought to consider moving farther away and renting someplace else.
Or do you like the baby sitter next door?
Anyway, that would be one thing to do. Otherwise you'd probably have to set some rules with her about what you don't want to discuss on a daily basis, namely your food, cooking, fridge, etc.
Hi sorry about your situation. Have you tried talking to her? Sometimes they actually listen. Maybe talk to Dr. Phil. Sorry if you didn't find that funny.
Stick with it for your health no matter how bad it gets.
Maybe if she sees the weight coming off she'll back off a little.
Good luck.
I SO understand, it sounds like we have the same mother!! I live 3 1/2 hours away from mine and she still calls every day to see how my diet is doing -- if it's going well, she tells me too bad that won't last and if it isn't she has a commentary on that too. I know she is putting all the pressure on, because I was always overweight as a child, but as soon as I left her house (and her control) at 18 I lost weight without even trying. Unfortunately, two kids and 10 years later it's back and then some.
I'm sure you probably are living next to her for a lot of reasons. It is VERY important that you stop this now! I know I felt guilty when I broached the issue with my mom, but for your own sanity you need to. Let her know how much you appreciate the help she is providing in other areas, but that monitoring what you eat is detrimental to you, not helping. Just curious, is your mom thin or overweight? My mom is overweight and I think since she can't control herself, she finds some comfort in controlling her girls (There are three of us -- two overweight and one thin). But even my thin sister gets comments if she puts on five pounds. Also, keep in mind, if she's doing this to you and your sister, she will probably do it to your children. That really helped me confront my mom -- the whole "protect my child" thing!! It is very important to me to lose weight -- but I think more important that my children do not grow up with the issues I'm dealing with now.
Can you leave? That is the first thing I would suggest - one can deal with these hard situations but for the damage caused by them, sometimes it may be better to just remove ourselves from these people. Raising a child and having a family is stressful as it is - despite it being wonderful - It sounds like you would seriously benefit from being away from your mother, and if this is how much stress she is contributing to your life, then your baby and husband will probably benefit from the move too.
If you are unable to move, then perhaps setting boundaries with your mother might be a next step? Like if she asks you about what you are eating, you have a right to not answer you know? It is truly none of her business. You mentioned that you share a culture outside of the American one.. so I don't know if this is or isn't something you would be comfortable doing culturally. But whatever you decide... please keep in mind that she really has no right to discriminate against you because of your weight. No one has that right.
I feel for ya, girl! I have a very controlling mother who has contributed her two cents on more than one occasion regarding MY weight, too!
Do you feel that it is a control issue for your mom, or do you think it is just a HABIT that she continues to pidgeonhole you and your siblings into "I have two fat ones and two skinny ones"? Do you feel that she really CARES about you, or does she really care more about how YOUR WEIGHT reflects upon her? (The reason I ask this is that I always have felt that I never quite measured up to my mother's expectation of me. She's skinny, and she sees me as less than what I COULD be. I don't think that she really ever loved me unconditionally. She often has that look on her face that tells me that she's displeased with me for some reason. The displeasure isn't just about weight. It was about everything including the guy I married, clothes that I wear, opinions that I have...the list goes ON and ON!)
I'd say to first try to figure out if your mom is really trying to be helpful to you OR if she's just pidgeonholing you as one of her two "fat" children as a convenient sorting process. I'd try to find out if it is part of a control issue. If is IS a control issue rather than her genuine CARING, then I would say to try to lay it on the line with her or find another place to live. You are an adult and should not be treated this way!
Good Luck from one who KNOWS!
(We purposely moved a state away from our controlling moms!)
But I really can't move away from here just yet. We dropped everything in Berkeley to move down here so that I could get help with my daughter, but after we moved, my mom dropped a bomb on me; she said that she was going back to school so she couldn't take care of my baby while I worked, so I stopped looking for work. AND, Shelby, how did you know! She was really getting on my case about my baby's weight, so I had to talk to her several times and finally yell at her and threaten to never bring the baby to her house again for her to stop. By the way, she is a little over five feet tall and thin, and so is my skinny sister, I on the other hand came out like my dad, who is taller than six feet and weighs around 230 lbs (he isnt really fat, just a large man) Lately I have just been staying quiet when she makes her nasty comments, I think I'll have to talk to her, but who knows how it will go, she is a firm believer in "fat people are fat because they want to be"
eddykita -- good luck -- you can do it. My husband believes the same -- your fat because you choose to be lazy -- try pointing out to your mom what a struggle it is for you and maybe some ways she could help instead of hurt your efforts. This really has to stop. She can either be positive and help or you don't want to hear another word about it. I know with me I don't even like to tell my mom what I'm doing diet wise, I find her sabatoging behavior sets me up to fail!! No matter what she does for you -- babysit, give you a place to live, it doesn't give her the right to put you down! You just take care of you and that beautiful baby!!
Can't really blame anyone for my problem...
- It sounds like you would seriously benefit from being away from your mother, and if this is how much stress she is contributing to your life, then your baby and husband will probably benefit from the move too.
I have a very controlling mother who has contributed her two cents on more than one occasion regarding MY weight, too!