I have come to the realization that almost my entire self worth has been wrapped up in my weight and how I look. I grew up feeling like how I looked was all I had to offer, my only strength. Recently I have been feeling really good about myself and realizing that I actually do a lot every day, that I am not useless and inept and that I do offer more than how I look. I know that can be easy to misread and interpret as I think I am some gorgeous creature, but that isn't it at all. I guess I was just raised that how I looked was VERY important and even made me more loveable.
Anyway, I have made a real effort these past weeks to disconnect my eating from thoughts about my body or my weight. I also realize I totally can't exercise right now because its too closely linked to feeling bad about how I look and trying to change it. Im hoping eventually I can get over that since I know exercise is very important for health.
Anyway I got triggered this evening watching an old show and someone said something about how ladies watched their figure and the character only had tea instead of biscuits or something. I immediately felt all heavy and slovenly and like I needed to skip a few meals ASAP. Its very hard to remain true to myself and my bodys needs with messages like that out in the world. I just remind myself over and over again that *I* can't diet. Maybe other people can, but I have an eating disordered past and it will only lead to out of control binges and misery. I need to stay on my path and go eat a donut if I want it. Or an entire box. Its more important that I listen to myself and satisfy my desires than that I even try to restrict a teeny bit or it will hurt me in the long run.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
